Stressful Week

This week I've been so busy at work that I haven't had much time to process my emotions and feelings. My employer has gone downhill since hearing about her dad's passing. The kiddos have felt the underlying tension/grief and don't know why. (They have decided not to tell the girls until mom is feeling more stable) I've been working extra hours and it's taking a toll.

I had another therapy session yesterday. It was really good. She is great at helping me re-frame what I am thinking. It has really helped me with blame. I am really doing the blame game right now. I blame myself for our loss. I have been around and around in my head about it and that is all I can figure.

I am nervous about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I'm afraid that yet again there won't be answers. I hope that there will be something in the pathology report that can shed light on what happened. I think it will be a difficult appointment.

With my therapists help, I've decided to tell a few more people about our recent loss. I'm hoping that this won't come back to haunt me. I have a hard time trusting those not in my inner circle with any personal information. Specifically, I'm thinking of telling a few women in my ward and possibly a friend that wasn't aware of what we've been going through the past months. My fear in telling others is that they will say thoughtless things or they will talk to others about our personal story. I'm planning on specifying that we don't want others to know and want them to keep it to themselves.

Another suggestion from my therapist (can you tell I went yesterday and it's all fresh in my mind?) is that I try to reach out to women on FF that are in a similar situation. I've found myself lurking on the "ttc after loss" board but haven't been able to really connect with most of them women as they are in a different place. So many of the posts are about ttc again as soon as they get the green light from the ob/gyn's. Whereas if/when we move forward it will be another long haul not an intimate moment between DH and I. So, I started a thread and we'll see what happens.

I'm starting to feel like socializing again. We are going out to a friend's birthday lunch on Saturday. I think it will be good to see everyone again. I think I'm ready to be out in the world in small doses. DH and I had a date night last Saturday and while I didn't enjoy they movie we went to it was nice to have some time to reconnect and have fun together.