This is something that an IF friend posted that I thought would be fun for this first day back at work after a long weekend.
8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:
-Going to Salem to see my sister this weekend
-Starting our 1st & Only IVF cycle
-Getting & staying pregnant
-My family coming to visit in June
-Game night
-Paid time off from work in July (that I don’t have to use vaca for!)
-B’s wedding- Vegas Baby!
-Being a stay-at-home mama
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
- Slept in
-Made breakfast
-Cleaned the kitchen
-Finished laundry/put clothes away
-Visited with the neighbors
-Played Lego Indiana Jones w/DH
-Ate a yummy grilled chicken taco dinner
-Watched the season opener of Jon & Kate plus 8- cried through the whole thing
8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
- Stand up for myself more (ie- tell people "no" sometimes)
-Be more consistent in my scripture studying habits
-Lose weight!
-Quit my job
-Tell off my old boss
-Move my family to WA
-Take a 2 or 3 week vacation with DH – all expenses paid
-Finish all my half-finished craft projects
8 Shows I Watch:
- Jon & Kate + 8
-Charmed (reruns daily on TNT!)
-Deadliest Catch
-Mythbusters
-Food Network Challenge
-The Office
-30 Rock
-My Name is Earl
8 Favorite Fruits:
-Pomegranate
-Watermelon
-Cherries
-Mango
-Pineapple
-Grapes
-Pears
-Strawberries
8 Places I’d Like to Travel:
- Ireland
-France
-England
-Scotland
-Thailand
-Hungary
-Scandinavia
-Singapore
8 Places I’ve Lived (only 5 places!):
- Sammamish, WA
-Redmond, WA
-Holladay, UT
-Murray, UT
-Sandy, UT
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Guilt
Guilt. I’m feeling it big time right now in regard to my employers. They are very attached to me (both the parents and kids) and while I’m grateful for my job and most days have fun and find it fulfilling, I have very deliberately not become attached to them. You see, I knew the day would come where I would be undergoing IVF and probably have to leave my job. This morning mom boss was talking to me and telling me about some very personal stuff going on with her sister. It might have been a good time to bring up our IF and upcoming IVF… but I’m a chicken. I really want to wait until I have some sort of a plan with Dr. Opie and then bring the process to my employers. I have a feeling they will be pretty unhappy with me. Yikes. So, so, guilty. They’ve had such a rough go with nannies that I feel even worse. I feel like I’ve misled them this whole time. But, on the other hand, if they knew I don’t know if they would keep me on or would start looking for a new nanny right away. Uncertainty. At least the final IVF consult has been moved up a couple of days. It’s now on Wednesday, June 3rd. I’m still planning to email them that Friday and go from there.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Emotional Craziness
These past couple of days I’ve been an emotional loose cannon. It started Thursday night as I was trying to finish up a baby quilt for my friends K & J’s baby shower on Sunday. I kept hitting snags in the project and then I would figure it out the current problem only to run into another.
Friday was a beautiful, sunny day. However, I was under a cloud. I’m not sure why, but I kept obsessing about the quilt and how I’m never going to be making a baby quilt for us, but always for other people’s babies. To date I’ve made 5 baby quilts… all for other people. During this time period that I’ve made the 5 quilts we were ttc. The first quilt was at the beginning of our saga way back in 2000. I also found out about a distant girlfriend’s pg on Friday before work. I was also concerned that I would not be able to handle (emotionally) the baby shower on Sunday and all the baby paraphernalia and talk. I was moping and sad. After work DH had planned a date night for us. He worked from home, so I picked him up and we headed over to the craft store where I helped my friend B with her wedding invitations. I think we’ve got them all figured out now, which is great. DH wandered over to another store and then for a coffee during this time that I was in the craft store. I called him to let him know I was done and we met back at the car. He then tells me he got me a present. He handed me a small white box. I opened it up and inside was a freshwater pearl pendant. He tells me that at the new age bookstore he was at he asked them what stones would help with infertility and that they recommended a freshwater pearl, especially if you’ve been ttc for a while. I was speechless and then close to weeping. He is so thoughtful. It cheered me up immensely. We then went to see the new Star Trek movie in IMAX. It was so much fun! DH isn’t a Star Trek fan, but I am so it was especially nice that he took me to see it. We then went to dinner, and he proposed a toast to us and our good fortune and fertility. What an amazing husband I have! We returned home after dinner, and I then struggled yet again with finishing the quilt. DH was patient and encouraging through the whole night.
Saturday was another beautiful, sunny day. It started out ok. DH made us breakfast and then cleaned up the kitchen, made a menu for the upcoming week and made the grocery list while I finished the hand-sewing portion of the quilt. I finished the quilt and threw it in the washing machine, and we got cleaned up and went shopping and to lunch. We got home and I moved the quilt to the dryer, and we lounged around a bit and watched some TV. The dryer stopped and I checked the quilt- it was a mess. The fabric on the back and shed all over the quilt and there was a tear. I was in tears. DH tried to suggest ways to fix it, but I didn’t think it could be fixed. As a last-ditch effort I tried to hand sew it and washed it and dried it again. While it was in the dryer DH and I headed to Babies R Us to pick up an alternate gift in case the quilt was beyond repair. Babies R Us was like heading into hell for me in my current state of mind. PG bellies everywhere… including the checkout clerk. We found a gift and got in line. The woman in front of us is buying out the whole store (or so it seems) and telling the clerk about how she’s getting all this preemie stuff for her daughter’s baby. The clerk then spouts off some insensitive stuff which makes me even more pissed off. We finally get our chance to buy and head out of the store. We make it home and the quilt seems to be ok. I stressed all night if I should give it to the mama’s but decided to give it to them and hope that they like it.
Sunday. Today. I woke up in a pretty good mood and was hopeful that the baby shower would be manageable. The last time I was at a baby shower was for a good friend at church and it was very difficult. It was during the time period when we were doing IUI’s at VM. I wrapped the gift and left for the shower. I arrived right on time and was so happy to see my friends. Luckily, I was able to keep busy and help set up the food. Then there was some down time, and I caught up with some people there that I hadn’t seen since my friends’ wedding. I think I did pretty good. I didn’t burst into tears and only had a couple of moments of difficulty. My girlfriends loved the quilt, so that is a relief. I left the party in a good mood. I’m so happy for my friends and they are so deserving of this baby. I know that they will be good mama’s, and I hope that I can continue being in their lives and be a support to them. I’m glad I was able to get through the shower and not be an emotional wreck. I hope that this next week is much better emotionally for me.
Friday was a beautiful, sunny day. However, I was under a cloud. I’m not sure why, but I kept obsessing about the quilt and how I’m never going to be making a baby quilt for us, but always for other people’s babies. To date I’ve made 5 baby quilts… all for other people. During this time period that I’ve made the 5 quilts we were ttc. The first quilt was at the beginning of our saga way back in 2000. I also found out about a distant girlfriend’s pg on Friday before work. I was also concerned that I would not be able to handle (emotionally) the baby shower on Sunday and all the baby paraphernalia and talk. I was moping and sad. After work DH had planned a date night for us. He worked from home, so I picked him up and we headed over to the craft store where I helped my friend B with her wedding invitations. I think we’ve got them all figured out now, which is great. DH wandered over to another store and then for a coffee during this time that I was in the craft store. I called him to let him know I was done and we met back at the car. He then tells me he got me a present. He handed me a small white box. I opened it up and inside was a freshwater pearl pendant. He tells me that at the new age bookstore he was at he asked them what stones would help with infertility and that they recommended a freshwater pearl, especially if you’ve been ttc for a while. I was speechless and then close to weeping. He is so thoughtful. It cheered me up immensely. We then went to see the new Star Trek movie in IMAX. It was so much fun! DH isn’t a Star Trek fan, but I am so it was especially nice that he took me to see it. We then went to dinner, and he proposed a toast to us and our good fortune and fertility. What an amazing husband I have! We returned home after dinner, and I then struggled yet again with finishing the quilt. DH was patient and encouraging through the whole night.
Saturday was another beautiful, sunny day. It started out ok. DH made us breakfast and then cleaned up the kitchen, made a menu for the upcoming week and made the grocery list while I finished the hand-sewing portion of the quilt. I finished the quilt and threw it in the washing machine, and we got cleaned up and went shopping and to lunch. We got home and I moved the quilt to the dryer, and we lounged around a bit and watched some TV. The dryer stopped and I checked the quilt- it was a mess. The fabric on the back and shed all over the quilt and there was a tear. I was in tears. DH tried to suggest ways to fix it, but I didn’t think it could be fixed. As a last-ditch effort I tried to hand sew it and washed it and dried it again. While it was in the dryer DH and I headed to Babies R Us to pick up an alternate gift in case the quilt was beyond repair. Babies R Us was like heading into hell for me in my current state of mind. PG bellies everywhere… including the checkout clerk. We found a gift and got in line. The woman in front of us is buying out the whole store (or so it seems) and telling the clerk about how she’s getting all this preemie stuff for her daughter’s baby. The clerk then spouts off some insensitive stuff which makes me even more pissed off. We finally get our chance to buy and head out of the store. We make it home and the quilt seems to be ok. I stressed all night if I should give it to the mama’s but decided to give it to them and hope that they like it.
Sunday. Today. I woke up in a pretty good mood and was hopeful that the baby shower would be manageable. The last time I was at a baby shower was for a good friend at church and it was very difficult. It was during the time period when we were doing IUI’s at VM. I wrapped the gift and left for the shower. I arrived right on time and was so happy to see my friends. Luckily, I was able to keep busy and help set up the food. Then there was some down time, and I caught up with some people there that I hadn’t seen since my friends’ wedding. I think I did pretty good. I didn’t burst into tears and only had a couple of moments of difficulty. My girlfriends loved the quilt, so that is a relief. I left the party in a good mood. I’m so happy for my friends and they are so deserving of this baby. I know that they will be good mama’s, and I hope that I can continue being in their lives and be a support to them. I’m glad I was able to get through the shower and not be an emotional wreck. I hope that this next week is much better emotionally for me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
I’m going to focus on two wonderful moms that are in my life for this Mother’s Day. First is my mom.
She is a fantastic woman. She is a wonderful mom. Growing up she tried to make every day special for us. I was spoiled. Every day after school she would have a baked goodie ready for me for a snack before starting homework or piano practice. She shuttled me to lessons and always let me know she supported me. She pushed me to stick with piano when I wanted to quit many, many times. She helped me study for tests, quizzed me with flashcards and helped me with difficult homework assignments. She did silly things like have green food for St. Patrick’s Day or have “cultural heritage” dinners where she would cook food from our ancestor’s homelands. She made holidays special for us. She helped us to have family traditions. She led our 4-H group and taught me many handicrafts including sewing, cake decorating, cooking, crocheting and knitting. She prayed with us and for us. She loves the Lord and his restored gospel. She helped me with my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. I leaned on her testimony of the gospel until I was strong enough to learn for myself and develop my own testimony of God’s love for me and his plan of happiness. She raised 4 kids and stayed at home with us to be there for us. She sacrificed much to be a stay-at-home mom, but she never let us know that it was a sacrifice. She loves me and I know she still worries about me and does all she can for me. She is a great mom and I love her.
Second is my paternal grandma.
She is a wonderful woman. I’ve always been close to her, and I feel we share a special bond. Of all my grandparents I’m closest to her. She is the mother of two boys, my Uncle Greg who they adopted after many years of trying to have a child, and my dad- their miracle baby. She is the grandmother of 12 grandchildren and the great-grandmother of 11 great-grandchildren. She has had an amazing life including getting a BS degree in Home Economics in a time when women didn’t attend Universities. She has fantastic stories of being the only woman in many of her science, math and general education classes. She chose Home Economics as her major as it was one of the few open to her. She helped my grandfather start his dental business. She has a love of the Lord and a testimony of the gospel. For many years she hosted a monthly extended family night that we (all the grandkids and kids) attended. At these nights she or my grandfather would prepare a spiritual lesson, and she would cook an amazing spread of food. She hosted many holiday celebrations as well and made them special for us. She was my favorite grandparent to have baby-sit us when my folks went away for a weekend trip. I have so many special memories of her creating special time for just the two of us to go to lunch, or out for the day. She bought me my pet turtle (Flashie) when she was babysitting us when my folks were out-of-town. She fostered my love of shoes. She loves me and is a continuing inspiration. She has never discussed her infertility with me or the process she and my grandfather went through to adopt, but she in an unspoken way has lent her support to me. She doesn’t know all the details of our struggles, but I know she prays for us. She just celebrated her 90th birthday and is going strong. She is active with a nursing home she volunteers at, still lives at home on her own, and is an active member in her church. She helps out with all the great-grandkids and is involved in all of our lives. She is a great grandma and I love her.
She is a fantastic woman. She is a wonderful mom. Growing up she tried to make every day special for us. I was spoiled. Every day after school she would have a baked goodie ready for me for a snack before starting homework or piano practice. She shuttled me to lessons and always let me know she supported me. She pushed me to stick with piano when I wanted to quit many, many times. She helped me study for tests, quizzed me with flashcards and helped me with difficult homework assignments. She did silly things like have green food for St. Patrick’s Day or have “cultural heritage” dinners where she would cook food from our ancestor’s homelands. She made holidays special for us. She helped us to have family traditions. She led our 4-H group and taught me many handicrafts including sewing, cake decorating, cooking, crocheting and knitting. She prayed with us and for us. She loves the Lord and his restored gospel. She helped me with my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. I leaned on her testimony of the gospel until I was strong enough to learn for myself and develop my own testimony of God’s love for me and his plan of happiness. She raised 4 kids and stayed at home with us to be there for us. She sacrificed much to be a stay-at-home mom, but she never let us know that it was a sacrifice. She loves me and I know she still worries about me and does all she can for me. She is a great mom and I love her.
Second is my paternal grandma.
She is a wonderful woman. I’ve always been close to her, and I feel we share a special bond. Of all my grandparents I’m closest to her. She is the mother of two boys, my Uncle Greg who they adopted after many years of trying to have a child, and my dad- their miracle baby. She is the grandmother of 12 grandchildren and the great-grandmother of 11 great-grandchildren. She has had an amazing life including getting a BS degree in Home Economics in a time when women didn’t attend Universities. She has fantastic stories of being the only woman in many of her science, math and general education classes. She chose Home Economics as her major as it was one of the few open to her. She helped my grandfather start his dental business. She has a love of the Lord and a testimony of the gospel. For many years she hosted a monthly extended family night that we (all the grandkids and kids) attended. At these nights she or my grandfather would prepare a spiritual lesson, and she would cook an amazing spread of food. She hosted many holiday celebrations as well and made them special for us. She was my favorite grandparent to have baby-sit us when my folks went away for a weekend trip. I have so many special memories of her creating special time for just the two of us to go to lunch, or out for the day. She bought me my pet turtle (Flashie) when she was babysitting us when my folks were out-of-town. She fostered my love of shoes. She loves me and is a continuing inspiration. She has never discussed her infertility with me or the process she and my grandfather went through to adopt, but she in an unspoken way has lent her support to me. She doesn’t know all the details of our struggles, but I know she prays for us. She just celebrated her 90th birthday and is going strong. She is active with a nursing home she volunteers at, still lives at home on her own, and is an active member in her church. She helps out with all the great-grandkids and is involved in all of our lives. She is a great grandma and I love her.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Stress!!!
This week has started out very stressful. On Monday and Tuesday DH and I were stressed that he would be a part of the layoffs at his company. Thankfully, he wasn't.
My other main stressor is Mother's Day. This is always a tough holiday for me and it's hard on DH too with his mom being gone. I mailed the Mother's Day gifts/cards to mom and grandma today so that part is over. However, for the first time in over 7 years I will have to attend Mother's Day service at church. Why? Well, because with my new calling I am in charge of the little darlings singing their Mother's Day songs in the Sacrament meeting. ARGH! If that wasn't bad enough, I will also have to hang around 2nd and 3rd hour but not actually teach. They are having the men in the Elders quorum teach (including music) so that we can go to Relief Society. Ick! I'm really stressed about this. I don't know how to handle it. I am fine with the focus on Mother's... I have a great mom and have a great grandma and other wonderful women in my life that are fantastic mom's. The part that is hard for me to stomach is the going on, and on, and on, and on about how nothing is as rewarding as motherhood, how it is the highest calling any woman could want, how you never know your worth until you are a mother. THAT is the part that is hard to handle as woman struggling with IF. Plus, they always have a gift that the ward gives the mothers at the end of sacrament meeting. They announce, "we have a gift for all the women in the ward, because you are all mothers." Bull sh*t. When I use to attend Mother's Day service I would try to sneak out before that announcement, and inevitably, someone would see me sneak out and bring me a gift and then try to make me feel ok about it. STRESS! Plus, the kids don't really know all the words to the songs. The older ones do, but they rarely sing out loud during performances (you remember the age- awkward) and the little ones only know one of the songs really well.
As a consequence of this stress this week I have had a grand total of 9 hours of sleep over the past two nights. I am bone tired, but unable to fall asleep, or stay asleep. I hope that tonight is different (after my 1st class of yoga for fertility) and I'm able to sleep. I need it!
My other main stressor is Mother's Day. This is always a tough holiday for me and it's hard on DH too with his mom being gone. I mailed the Mother's Day gifts/cards to mom and grandma today so that part is over. However, for the first time in over 7 years I will have to attend Mother's Day service at church. Why? Well, because with my new calling I am in charge of the little darlings singing their Mother's Day songs in the Sacrament meeting. ARGH! If that wasn't bad enough, I will also have to hang around 2nd and 3rd hour but not actually teach. They are having the men in the Elders quorum teach (including music) so that we can go to Relief Society. Ick! I'm really stressed about this. I don't know how to handle it. I am fine with the focus on Mother's... I have a great mom and have a great grandma and other wonderful women in my life that are fantastic mom's. The part that is hard for me to stomach is the going on, and on, and on, and on about how nothing is as rewarding as motherhood, how it is the highest calling any woman could want, how you never know your worth until you are a mother. THAT is the part that is hard to handle as woman struggling with IF. Plus, they always have a gift that the ward gives the mothers at the end of sacrament meeting. They announce, "we have a gift for all the women in the ward, because you are all mothers." Bull sh*t. When I use to attend Mother's Day service I would try to sneak out before that announcement, and inevitably, someone would see me sneak out and bring me a gift and then try to make me feel ok about it. STRESS! Plus, the kids don't really know all the words to the songs. The older ones do, but they rarely sing out loud during performances (you remember the age- awkward) and the little ones only know one of the songs really well.
As a consequence of this stress this week I have had a grand total of 9 hours of sleep over the past two nights. I am bone tired, but unable to fall asleep, or stay asleep. I hope that tonight is different (after my 1st class of yoga for fertility) and I'm able to sleep. I need it!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Gardening
I've been meaning to get my vegetable garden planted for the past month! DH and I finally purchased the final items needed for a new compost/vermiculite/peat moss mix to fill the garden box. We took the old dirt and put it in our front flower bed for some new hydrangeas. (I'm so excited about them and hope they grow!! I love hydrangeas!!) We mixed the new soil, put it in the box and then I planted some rainbow chard, carrots and radishes. I have the squash, cucumbers, and a variety of tomato plants started in the garage under a grow light. I decided to do heirloom this year, and I can't wait to see how these turn out! I'm super sore and have several splinters, but I hope it will be worth it.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Yoga
I had my individual yoga class on Sunday. I thought it went really well. I learned a lot and came away with a great book that has all the poses and some suggested workouts. My teacher also created a workout for me to do now until the class starts on May 6th. I've tried to do it every night. I missed one night but have done it the rest. I really like it and it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help the whole baby process along. The teacher agreed with the nutritionist and my acupuncturist (boy I'm seeing a lot of people ending in -ist!!) that I need to slow down my workouts. She recommended yoga every day and then walking only- no jogging or anything jostling. I've taken her advice and have only walked on the treadmill this week and done yoga. Tomorrow is weigh in day, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I have now completed 2 weeks of gluten free and cow dairy free eating. It's been hard, but I'm hoping it will be worth it in the long term. I am getting some wheat flour alternatives tomorrow so hopefully that will expand my cooking horizons. DH is VERY tired of the gluten free and can't wait for it to be over. I'm 1/2 way through the prescribed diet. Woo-hoo!
I have now completed 2 weeks of gluten free and cow dairy free eating. It's been hard, but I'm hoping it will be worth it in the long term. I am getting some wheat flour alternatives tomorrow so hopefully that will expand my cooking horizons. DH is VERY tired of the gluten free and can't wait for it to be over. I'm 1/2 way through the prescribed diet. Woo-hoo!
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