Just not feeling it....

We took down all the Christmas stuff today. Normally we leave it up until Jan 1st, but it was hard enough having it up this long. It's hard for me to be happy and celebrate when I'm so sad.

I had to go into the RE for a blood draw today since I'm still having pain and bleeding. It's hard going there too. 4 weeks ago, we went in for a blood draw and found out I was pregnant. Now we're going in and hoping that the hCG is back to normal. It's not. My number is still in the pregnancy range. I have to go back again next Saturday to have another blood draw. My RE wants to follow me with blood draws until my number is back to 0.

I would have been 8w0d pregnant today. Today sucks. I'm having a hard time not snapping at DH. I have very little patience with myself and anyone today.

Dark Times

These lyrics from Miss Saigon popped into my head today during a very difficult and lonely nap time. The context in the musical has nothing to do with my current situation, but these particular words seemed apropos to me today.

There are days

There are days when your life clouds over

And the world gets so dark

That all at once you can't tell night from day.

There are times

When your heart cries- this isn't happening

But the truth is cold and real

And I know the storm

Won't go away

Naming and Dedication of A

The service for the naming of our goddaughter was beautiful. It was very moving and I wanted to share some of it. (Hopefully her parents won't mind)

Welcoming of the child:
You have come with stardust in your hair,
with the rush of planets in your blood.
your heart beating out the seasons of eternity,
with a shining in your eyes like the sunlight.

Your parents have brought you to celebrate the joy they have that you are part of their family, and to count themselves blessed, as they bring you into this community.

Relatives pledge: (what we pledged as her godparents)
You have a special relationship with A and you will always be special in her memory. Will you accept the privilege of showing her the virtues of love and justice through the relationships you share? Will you nurture and care for her, tell her stories and listen to her thoughts, to encourage her curiosity, comfort her in tribulation, and share your wisdom as well as your sense of humor with her?

Congregational Dedication:
They say it takes a whole village to raise a child, to encourage the parents, and to provide a safe and loving place for every child's spiritual and moral development. We want to create that place for you here in our congregation.

May your life take shape for goodness and for the healing of the earth.
May you learn to walk in beauty, truth and integrity.
We pledge to guide and support you as you grow and discover your gifts.

Little A, and K & J, we welcome you into our lives and hearts- as individuals and as our cherished family. May you find opportunities for inspiration, service and lasting friendships. Your presence among us brings us joy this blessed season.

So may it be.

****************************
It was nice to celebrate her beautiful life. Parts of the service (not related to the naming) were difficult as they were about hope, light and faith. I'm struggling with that right now. I had a hard time at the end (after the service) and left in tears. Our dear friends were wonderful about it, but I still feel awful that I couldn't keep it together. My loving DH drove us home as I cried. We talked about it and I think that I was most sad because as the service progressed, I was comparing it to my own faith's service for babies, the giving of a name and a blessing. I'm sad that we won't have that. I'm sad that my little one that I was able to love and nurture and mother for such a short time won't have a name and a blessing. I miss our baby. DH said that he too was having a hard time with it. Luckily, we have each other to cling to and our family and friends that love and support us no matter what.

Another event down

I made it through the party. I love our friends, and it was good to see them, but it was still hard. There were a couple of tough moments like when a friend mentioned that just recently, he realized how much he hates kids. (Why am I friends with this person?!?) In reality, the party was less painful than I thought it would be. I was dreading the fun, truth be told. I was pretty numb throughout, but I did have a few fun moments. (Which of course makes me feel guilty, because why should I be having fun when my baby isn't with me anymore...) My physical pain has intensified again. I'm assuming its all of the walking I did today while running errands with DH. I took it easy when we got home, but still had some pain during the party.

We have another event to go to this weekend. My goddaughter's christening. I think I'll be able to use the same strategy I used tonight to get through the party-- not thinking about what has happened to us and focusing on others. I love our friends (the parents of our goddaughter) and we adore and love our goddaughter as well. We are so happy to be a part of their lives and honored that they chose us to be in their lives as well. I'm proud to stand up for them tomorrow. It will be bitter-sweet. I'm choosing to focus on the happiness their family has found and not focus on our sadness.

Hanging on...

We decided for various reasons to go ahead with our annual Christmas party. It's tonight in about 20 minutes. It's smaller than last year, which is good. However, only one couple attending knows about our situation. I'm hoping I can put on a smile for a few hours and get through it. Wish me luck.

Back to Work

I went back to work today. It was a good choice. It was good to see the little girls and spend time with them. The oldest is just getting over a cold and the little one was super sick, but very loving and happy to see me. Apparently, she threw a MASSIVE tantrum yesterday AM when the temp arrived and demanded that I show up. It's nice to know I'm wanted. I spent the morning doing Christmas crafts with the girls: coloring, shrinky dink necklaces and magic color change ornaments. Their mom then took the oldest with her to drop off the gifts for the family they adopted. They brought lunch back with them and then I put the kids down to sleep. I was able to talk with my boss after the kids were down for nap. It was nice to know how sorry they are for us and to know how much they love us.

The other good thing today was that I was able to see a psychologist. I had scheduled an appointment with her for tomorrow but found out that wouldn't work with my work scheduled. I called today to reschedule, and she told me she had a cancellation. I was able to go in and talk with her. It was good to have someone who is familiar with miscarriages/infertility/loss (her specialty- she was actually a midwife before going back to school for this) to talk with and sort through what I am feeling. I go back to see her in January (she's closed for the holidays) and I'm bringing DH with me.

DH was home when I got home and had picked up the mail. We had two nice cards: one from my acupuncturist one from our friends. My parents also left us a clean house (always nice) a note and a fruit basket. It was good to talk to the psychologist too about my reluctance to accept help from my family and friends. She was able to help me see that I'm not ruining the holidays for everyone and that it's ok to accept help from my family and friends right now.

D & C

Just blogging to try and process the whole D & C process.

Friday:
On Friday we were told the heart had stopped beating. The RE then called the hospital to schedule my surgery. The hospital called and left a message on my cell while I was at the RE to pre-register for surgery. On the way home from the RE that day, I called and spoke with a woman who pre-registered me. She told me to go to the registration desk at 3:15 on Saturday to register as they close at 3:30.

Saturday:
We arrive at the hospital/blue desk/registration at 3. There is a sign it is closed and to go to coral registration. We find coral registration; it has a sign that says to use blue. We go back to blue, find another sign that says to check-in at the in-patient surgery desk. We find this desk, no one is there. We then go find an information desk. The two boys working there have no idea where to send us and attempt to call their supervisor who they can't find. At this point it is 3:30. We find another info desk (unmanned) and DH calls the operator on the phone. They inform him to go to emergency and we can register there.

We walk to the complete other side of the hospital campus to the emergency room and sit in the "non-flu symptom" section. We then are told to go to a restricted door, and someone will open it to get us to register. This woman lets us in, and we sit down to register. She's all giggle and smiles. She keeps making mistakes and saying "oopsies." She can't find our paperwork. She finally gets me checked in and sends us up to the room I'm assigned. Although I am outpatient, on the weekends you are assigned a room for some reason.

We make it up to the floor my room is on and are shown to the room. The nurse then instructs me to change into a gown. I ask if I should leave my panties on as I'm still bleeding. She looks clueless. This is when it hits me that they have NO IDEA why I am here. She tells me that it would be ok. I am about to lose it at this point. I change and sit on the bed. Numb. DH is having a hard time as the last time he was in a hospital room was when his mom died 4 years ago. A nurse comes in to start my IV. She doesn't ask which arm/hand is better, just starts working on the left which is not a good one. I tell her that. She says, "I'm sure it'll be fine." It's not fine. She punctures the vein and it REALLY hurts. I tell her to leave it; I don't want her to do it again. She tells me that she can't leave it as she has ruined that vein. She takes it out and leaves and I start bawling. As this nurse is leaving, I say something about "why can't we have a nurse that isn't incompetent." (DH believes this comment is why we were held up on check-out later in the day) A different nurse comes in to tell me they are taking me to surgery and to take off my panties/pad. I ask her if I should just bleed on the bed, or is there a pad or something? She says, "I don't know, they just told me to tell you to get ready for surgery."

I change and sit on the bed. An orderly comes and I get on the gurney and I'm wheeled (DH accompanies me) to surgery. We then meet Suzanne, a godsend of a nurse. She is calm, patient, understanding, caring and KNOWS WHY WE ARE THERE! She asks if I have "party panties" (The hospitals disposable panties) or a pad on. I tell her no and explain the awfulness upstairs. She calms us down and explains everything. The anesthesiologist comes in and is amazing too. They both have been touched by d & c and loss before and are reassuring and kind. He is unable to get an IV started in my right hand but does get one started in my right forearm. He is super apologetic and nice the whole time.

Dr. K shows up and again expresses her compassion for us. I then gave DH a kiss, started crying and was wheeled to surgery. I remember moving over to the surgery table and that is it. I woke up in recovery. Suzanne was there. Dr. K came in to check on me and then filled DH in as I was out of it.

Dr. K told DH it was good I had the D & C. There were so much blood and clots that she estimated it could have taken 2-3 weeks to completely miscarry naturally, and it would have been painful the whole time (like it was Thur/Fri/Sat.) She said that the baby had already started to deteriorate, but that she had collected the tissue for genetic testing, and we would have the results in a month.

In recovery I cramped quite badly, as they had given me pitocin to have my uterus cramp and stop bleeding. While in recovery I asked my surgery nurse if I had to go back to that room/awful nurses. She called someone and took care of it. I went up to my old room, and we got my stuff and then I was taken to a new room with a fabulous, caring nurse and nurse aide. We had to wait around about 2 hours to be discharged as there was only 1 discharge nurse working on 2 floors.

I came home and took it easy the rest of that night and on Sunday.

I have times that I don't remember that I miscarried and for that brief moment I'm blissfully happy, like I was. Then reality, the nightmare, hits. It hurts so much. I have been given a list of therapists that specialize in miscarriage/grief/loss counseling and I'm trying to get in with one of them. My head is swimming. It's hard to process this loss with my parents visiting. I'm glad they are here, but I think it would be easier if they weren't. They leave tomorrow and I go back to work tomorrow. I hope that will help.

I woke up from my nap yesterday crying. It's just so hard, unfair and crappy. I miss my little baby. I feel empty. I am so grateful for my DH right now. He's been great, but I know he is hurting too.

We have so many holiday events we are hosting/attending this week. I feel like I should just carry on with them. I don't want to have to explain to people that don't know about this pg or miscarriage why they are cancelled. At the same time, I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for months.

Sad News

Thank you for your support and prayers. We saw the Dr a few hours ago and he performed an ultrasound that revealed our baby's heart has stopped beating and I am miscarrying. Due to my pain level and blood loss, they have scheduled me for a D & C at the earliest time they could, tomorrow at 5.
I have no words for now... just sadness at the loss of our baby.

Update

Still bleeding heavily and cramping. I had to take some Tylenol with codeine that I had left over from ER just to fall asleep last night because of the pain. I'm going to call and talk to the RE's office today to see if I can come in sooner to figure all of this out. In my heart I feel like the baby is gone and I need to know for sure so I can start grieving.

hCG Results

13,575.4 *sigh* The nurse called and said that we are still in a wait and see mode. They are using this hCG as a new baseline to compare with our next ultrasound and b/w in a few days. I don't know what to think. According to the b/w I'm pregnant. According to the u/s I'm not- abnormal gestational sac- no pregnancy, right?

I'm still bleeding and cramping. The bleeding has slowed down to only 1 pad every 1 1/2 to 2 hours versus every 1/2 hour. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. This limbo business is no fun...

In Limbo

I am at home resting. This AM I went to work and all was fine. I ran to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. I called the RE and they said for me to come in. I had to call the mom I work for and luckily, she came home quickly. DH came home and we went to the RE.

The whole way there I could feel myself cramping and bleeding more. The u/s revealed a large clot. There was something that could be a fetus but the RE said she could see something that could be a heartbeat. She measured it at 113 hb per minute. That is normal for this age. She said that the gestational sack didn't look "normal."
They did a blood draw to check hcg levels and sent me home.

I'm so scared that this is a miscarriage. I don't know how a fetus could survive this amount of blood and cramping. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm trying to stay hopeful but also prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

Scared

I'm trying to be strong, but I've had some bright red spotting the last two days (accompanied with cramps, of course.) I spoke with the RE's nurse, and she assured me it was ok and that there wasn't any point of me coming in this early as they couldn't tell either way this early. ARGH! I hope it stops. She suggested I take it very easy. Easier said than done when working with 2 active girls under the age of 5, but I'm going to try.

I called my midwife's office today and set up a tentative appointment at 8 weeks. I'm hoping we will be transferred from the RE at that point.

Work is going well, just exhausting. As stated above I'm trying to take it easy, but it's difficult to do at all times.

My folks are coming to town at the end of the week, so I'm excited about that. I'm bummed that we won't be able to do much sight-seeing/walking as I'm taking it really easy. But it will be great to spend time with them.

Back At Work

Yesterday I returned to work. It's good to be back. I've been taking it easy and enjoying my time with the kiddos. I was there all of 30 minutes when the oldest had to tell me all the "wrong" things the other two temp nannies did. :) Adorable. The little one kept patting my arm and kissing me. I think she was trying to make sure I was real. :)

After work (it was a short day) I took it easy. DH and I went to the bookstore as I wanted to look for a pregnancy journal. I found a cute one called the "Belly Book" which is nice, but not exactly what I wanted. I got it anyway, as it has a great week to week place to put belly pictures. The ones I saw were more about the medical aspect and I'm interested more in DH and I having a place to write down our feelings about the pregnancy/baby/becoming parents as well as put pictures and some medical stuff.

Work today was my first long day back. It went well. The biggest issue I'm having is that I am exhausted. I fell asleep with the oldest one this AM when she woke up early and I was putting her back to bed. I woke up when the little one did, so no harm done. AND my employers have specifically told me to nap and rest as needed. (They are the best!) At nap time I slept again for about 15-20 minutes, which was nice.

The other issue I'm having is with my pants. With 3 IVFs under my belt, my pants are not fitting. I lost a bunch of weight over the past 2 years and have gotten rid of all my bigger pants. I'm regretting that. I have two pairs of cords that fit ok, and then one pair of my bigger pants that I saved, and they are way too big on me. The only thing that is comfortable and fits is a pair of sweatpants, but I feel like a slob wearing that to work. I don't know what to do. I am still very bloated from the IVF (I don't think it's the pregnancy that is making stuff not fit- not this early anyway) and don't really want to get maternity stuff just yet. Any ideas?

The reality of our miracle is slowly settling in. It's still very difficult for me to accept congratulations from anyone about the pregnancy. I am starting to calm down a bit. The nightmares have stopped (I was having horrible dreams about miscarrying all weekend) and I don't have a panic attack every time I have to use the bathroom worrying about if there will be blood. I have good moments and bad. I'm hoping that once we see the little on the ultrasound, I'll feel a bit better. I'm so grateful that we've made it this far. The Lord has truly blessed my little family.

2nd BETA

I had the 2nd BETA done today and the number is: 755.6! I'm super excited and starting to feel like this might actually be happening. Here is a fun chart I've seen on other blogs that shows the hCG levels in early pregnancy for a singleton with my two tests on it in red:



As you can see it appears we have a nice strong, snuggled in baby. I can't wait for our ultrasound to see how the little one is doing.

I head back to work tomorrow and I'm excited to be back and have someone else to focus on instead of myself. It will be good to be back with the girls. As this is my last restful day, I'm taking it very easy.