Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been a bit since I posted. I've been SUPER busy helping my friends pull together their surprise wedding. They had it on Thanksgiving. It was so great! The surprise was a success and all of the family members that were surprised seemed genuinely happy about it. They are now happily married. :)
The day after Thanksgiving we put up our new pre-lit tree. It's great! It has a multi-color set of lights and a clear set of lights on it. There seems to be a slight short in the middle section of the tree with the white lights, but we're hoping to replace it after the holiday season. We also went to see my favorite movie "It's a Wonderful Life" in the theater with our newly married friends. I loved seeing it on the big screen. It's such a different experience seeing it on the big screen. My girlfriend that went with us hadn't seen it all the way through before and she loved it too, which made me very happy. After the movie we grabbed dinner at a nearby pub which was fun.
Saturday, we finished putting the lights on the outside of the house. The house looks great and very festive. Hubby did a good job getting all of the lights up with little effort on my part. We also did some cleaning and shopping on Saturday.
Today I attended church. After church I came home and made some more cookie dough for the cookie baking this upcoming Saturday. Our friends (newly married ones) came over for dinner and a night of guitar hero 2. It was great.
I am so thankful for all of my family and friends. I'm truly blessed.

On the reproductive front: I was hoping to get into my midwife before the Utah trip, but they don't have any appointments available until January. :( So, I'm going in then. This means that there is no way we will be ready for an at home IVI until February. I'm hoping that after the midwife check I'll have a clean bill of health, and we can miraculously get pg with the home IVI and not have to move forward with IVF. Or I hope that I'll get an answer to my prayers and know for sure which way to go- home IVI, IVF or adoption.

The Weekend

I had a great weekend. It wasn't exactly as I envisioned it mid-week, but it was still great. Hubby and I got the yard cleaned up and some shopping done on Friday afternoon/night.

Saturday, we went out for breakfast and did some more shopping. I weighed myself and I've lost 30 lbs. since I started back on the metformin and doing the modified south beach diet. Hubby has lost 50 lbs. and so we each bought some new clothes. I got a dress I've been lusting after and discovered that I'm down a size! Hubby got new pants (he's lost 4 inches on his waist!) and some shirts. We then came home and I worked on our new Christmas tree skirt. That night I went to my girlfriend's bachelorette party. It was fun. After that I came home and hubby was out until 3 AM for the bachelor's party.

Sunday, I skipped church and spent time with hubby. We slept in and cuddled until 10 or so. I finished the tree skirt, and he did some Christmas cookie baking. I made some cookie dough for an upcoming cookie baking party (my signature cookie recipe) and we had dinner. My family phoned and I spoke to them for a bit. We then watched some TV. Overall, it was a great weekend. I'm really looking forward to this upcoming 4 day weekend.

Weekend thankfuls:
1. I'm thankful for my sewing machine. It is wonderful! I forget how great it is. I really should use it more.

2. I'm thankful for alone time with my husband. I love him so much and I love spending time with him and reconnecting.

3. I'm thankful for my Sunday evening phone calls with my family. I've lived away from them her in WA for 9 years now and I look forward to these weekly updates. I miss them terribly, but knowing about their week helps me to feel close to them.

Friday Thankful

1. I'm thankful for my good friend R. She was able to diffuse a difficult situation for me. God bless her!

2. I'm thankful for my good husband helping in the yard today. He hates yard work, and yet on his day off he helped me do some to prep the yard for winter.

3. I'm thankful for my garden. I was able to pull up the last of my veggies (carrots) and then put it to bed for the winter. We ate the carrots for dinner and they were delicious!

Almost Friday

Ok, so trying to stay positive. My afternoon sucked. Both parents were home... and still they had me stay with the kiddos. I tried to look at it this way: I'm making money to buy me the medical knowledge to have a baby.

1. I'm thankful for the gospel in my life. Reading the scriptures during naptime today brought me a lot of peace.

2. I'm thankful for the Alehouse. Dinner there always rocks! Even though I'll be sick all night and tomorrow due to the metformin/carb/fat interchange.

3. I'm thankful I'm married. I look at my good friend that is single and desperately wants to be married and see how hard it is to date out there and it makes me grateful I found my man when I did and that we have the relationship we have.

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day. The older one was back at preschool and the little one and I had a great morning at the park and then at a playdate. During naptime I checked out an acquaintance's blog to see her new baby pictures. She had her baby on Saturday. The infant is adorable and, in the pictures, and videos I can see the love she and her husband have for their new son. It made me cry a bit and it also motivated me. I want that. I want to have a child with my husband so much. I think that I fall off the path to having a child sometimes and while it is always in my mind, I feel like it will never happen. But today I reaffirmed that it will and that I can do my part to make it happen. So tonight I worked out. It's a small step, but it will bring me closer to my goal of losing weight to achieve a pregnancy.

1. I'm thankful for our treadmill. I never would work out at a gym, so this is my one way to get exercise.

2. I'm thankful for prayer. During my hardest times I know I can turn to the Lord with my problems, and He will always comfort me and remove my burdens.

3. I'm thankful for my husband. He is wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

Monday Thanks

1. I'm thankful for my ipod shuffle. I used it today to kill my boredom as the kids played in the playroom this morning. We were stuck inside ALL DAY LONG!

2. I'm thankful for my sister. She's wonderful. She is a responsible adult and I'm really proud of her.

3. I'm thankful for my cell phone. I don't know how I got by for so many years without one.

Card Extravaganza

Today I went to my friend's house for a Christmas card making party. The card I decided to make this year had a total of 13 steps involved. It took me 6 hours to make the 40 cards. They are wonderful cards, but I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon. It was fun spending time with my girlfriends. Afterwards, I came home and went out to dinner with my man. Super fun!

1. I'm thankful for Mexican food. It's always yummy!

2. I'm thankful for paper trimmers. I don't know how I could make all the paper crafts that I do without my trusty 12" paper trimmer.

3. I'm thankful for email. I'm able to do my church job much more efficiently because of email. It saves me from having to make phone calls.

Friday Thankfuls

1. I'm thankful for my husband. He attended a church dinner group with me last night and was a real trooper. He usually doesn't like these things, but I think we both had a great time.

2. I'm thankful for bleach. I deep cleaned my two bathrooms and kitchen in the afternoon, and I love that bleach kills all the yucky germs.

3. I'm thankful for my 1/2 days on Friday. Without them I would lose my sanity.

CD 1 SUCKS!

1. I am thankful for my online support group/chart site Fertility Friend. I've been a member since we started ttc back in 1999. I've learned so much from the other women on there and reading it is a huge help to me.

2. I am thankful for my little charge. He is 2 1/2 and wonderful. Today was great. I was feeling awful, CD 1, and he was sweet, cooperative and helpful. I love him.

3. I am thankful for Midol. I have horrible side effects from AF and the cramps are debilitating. I was in utter pain today and the Midol took the edge off so that I could function during my day.

Thankful day 2

1. I am thankful for online shopping. Without it I would not have the fantastic dress for my girlfriend's wedding. It is the 5th dress I've bought and thankfully, it is perfect! I can't wait to wear it.

2. I am thankful for recipe books. Without them I wouldn't know what to make for dinner. We tried yet another new recipe from the cookbook my folks sent me for my birthday, and it was delicious!

3. I am thankful for my car. I drove over 70 miles today. I live in my car most days driving the kids to school, on errands, play dates and then driving myself to and from work. I can't imagine not having my car.

+++ Thoughts

I've realized that lately I've been much more negative than positive in my life. I seem to always be complaining. I'm tired of that. I've decided to try and be a more positive person. With that in mind I've spent the past two nap times praying/meditating/reading scriptures and hoping for some inspiration concerning my future family. I've also decided that since it is November, Thanksgiving month, I will try to think of 3 things I am thankful for each day. Here goes my thankfulness for today:

1. I am thankful for 3-2-1 bounce. It is an inflatable indoor playground that my kiddos can bounce their brains out in and then come home and take fantastic 3-hour long naps.

2. I am thankful for my good friends. We went to dinner at our friend's house tonight and it was nice to socialize with them and realize that they really care about my wants and needs.

3. I am thankful for toilets. This may be a bit yucky, but seriously, I've had to go a ton today and I can't imagine having to haul myself outside to an outhouse or something. It's so much nicer to be in a warm house and quickly pop-in and pop-out to do my thing.

I hope I'm able to keep up this positive vibe and that it will help focus my energy on my goal of becoming and staying pregnant. I'm also chanting to my uterus/eggs at night this mantra:
"My uterus is healthy and my eggs are good."

LONG week

This week has been a challenging one. The boss is back at work (yeah!), but the kids have been crazy with Halloween. On Thursday the preschooler manipulated his preschool teacher and mom into changing how we do his lunches. I'm pretty pissed off about the whole situation. The mom agreed with me on how it should be handled and then after talking to the teacher COMPLETELY changed her mind and is going with her way. I'm so tired of offering them solid child-rearing advice only to have them choose the easy and laziest way instead. I can't keep doing this. I am going to stay with them through the end of the year and then if things haven't improved start job searching. I hope that by then we have our baby making plan in place and I won't have to job search, I'll be pregnant. But, if I'm not pregnant quickly then I will job search.

To top the week off it was the CK Convention which is the weekend-long scrapbook convention. I went to one class on Friday night with my girlfriend. However, my boss signed up for almost all of the classes I had so she was around. I don't want to socialize with her at all. She is driving me crazy. It was really hard to chit-chat with her on Saturday. But I did have some great classes that really energized me to try new things with my scrapbook and card designs.

Blighted Ovum

Well, over the weekend my boss had some pregnancy problems. She saw her doctor and the doctor recommended she have an ultrasound today. It wasn't good news. The baby never developed. She is having a rough time of it. I feel bad for her. I hope that she is able to come to terms with this loss. It was a hard day. The kids knew she was sad, but they don't know why. I was a bit sad too. However, I really think this is for the best. I just wish she didn't have to go through a loss like this though.

Edited to add: It turns out there was a baby. It stopped developing at 8 weeks or so. This has made everything harder. Today (Tuesday) the boss talked to me about it during nap time. I am glad I can be there for her (since I've been through similar things) but it is emotionally draining. It brings up all of my negative thoughts/feelings about my own infertility experience. Also, they are planning on trying again. Probably in January, which is when I want to try our home insemination. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. She will be home tomorrow and then having her D&C on Thursday afternoon.

Sorta Sad

Today was my 30th Birthday Party. It was fun, but I'm still sort-of sad. All of my friends, hubby and I went to a pumpkin farm. We got to fling baby pumpkins with water balloon launchers, do a corn maze and pick our own pumpkins out of the pumpkin patch. We then came back to my place, ate some yummy chili and gumbo and then carved our pumpkins. I love my friends; they are my family here. I love spending time with them, and I always have a great time. I also got some kick-ass, thoughtful, unexpected gifts. Plus, hubby did the cooking AND clean-up of the party.

However, I really thought I would be done with having my babies by the time I was 30. When we started trying for our family, I was 22. When we started our fertility treatments, I was 26. It feels like my life is very unfinished up to this point. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family and dogs and friends, but a huge part of what I want is missing.

Last night I had a very vivid dream. I woke up twice last night and both times I fell back asleep I was in this dream. In the dream we lived on a lake house (currently we do not). We were bringing baby twins home for the 1st time. We got settled in and I sat down to breast feed them. I was trying to do both at once and one of the babies was having a hard time latching on. Hubby then takes that baby. When I look at him holding the baby it's older- it has more hair and teeth. I get the one baby nursing fine, and he gives me back the other baby. I look down and this time the baby is a newborn. The twins are a boy and a girl. I could describe them in detail. The room is full of sunlight, and I just sat there nursing my babies and looking down at their sweet faces in the sunlight. The feeling of nursing felt so REAL! (At least how I think it would feel- I've never done it) The dream was so realistic. I woke up and immediately thought, where are the babies? I bet they need to be fed again.

I kept the emotions in check today. I am grateful that everyone came to the party and was so wonderful, so I didn't want to ruin it by crying. However, I know that my actual birthday will be tough. My girlfriend is coming to a spa with me for the day. Then that night some friends and hubby are going with me to one of my favorite sushi places for dinner. I hope that by keeping busy I'm able to keep the sadness, longing and emptiness at bay.

It's October

Wow! It's October 1st! I wore my Old Navy spider/Halloween t-shirt today and broke out the skeleton socks. I love this time of year. The weather gets colder, rainier and the leaves are bright colors. Pumpkins are everywhere too! Saturday, we saw several signs for pumpkin patches near our home and all the grocery stores had pumpkins. Woo-hoo!

Now that I have told 1 person about the secret pregnancy, I've decided to tell anyone who can support me through it and understand my point-of-view. So far, I've told a close nanny friend, close teacher friend and my mom. All three of them have been fabulous supports. I feel much better now that my poor hubby doesn't have to listen to ALL of my venting. My nanny friend brought up a good point. She thinks that they won't keep me on as nanny for the new one. As she pointed out the oldest will be in public school full day, the middle one will be in preschool at least 3 times a week and the baby could go with mom to work. (They are the owners of their own business) It would be WAY cheaper to put the middle one in a daycare/preschool and flex their time to drop off/pick up the older one. Hmmm... interesting. I don't know that I would be that sad if they let me go. I would miss the kids, but it would be nice to move onto something else guilt free. I haven't brought it up to the boss yet but hopefully will get the guts to do it soon.

I spilled my guts

Yesterday I felt like crap. The new metformin dose (1500 mg) is kicking my butt. I called in sick. It was nice to sleep most of the day. Last night my good friend called. She worked with me at the childcare center where I met the family I currently nanny for. She knows them well. I had emailed her earlier in the week and mentioned I was depressed, but that I couldn't tell her why. She responded and asked if she could do anything. So last night she called and said, "check your email." She had sent another email with a list of guesses as to why I was depressed. I finally told her. She is the best. She immediately understood why I was upset. She and her partner are also ttc and haven't had luck yet. She commiserated with me on the phone for over an hour. It felt so good to talk to her and not burden my poor hubby again with the same old stuff. Then this morning she called me on my way into work to tell me she loved me and that it would be o.k. I love her!

Today was good! My boss actually went to work. The oldest was at preschool and the toddler was dry all day! This is only his 3rd day in underwear. I was able to take it easy, and we stayed home the entire day except for the preschool run. All was well until the bosses were late getting home from work. They breeze in and don't even apologize. I grab my stuff and say goodbye to the boys. The moms said "oh, is it 6 o'clock already?" To which I reply, "nope, it's 5:50 I'm leaving because I got her at 7:30 today." Still... no apology. She comes back with. "Wow! I totally forgot. I guess is pregnancy brain." ARGH!!! She's going to use that excuse already? She's 6 WEEKS PG! Plus, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I'VE been late to work. And when I am I always call and then apologize profusely when I arrive.

AHA I caught it!

I had all but given up on this cycle. Then today when I got home from work I thought "what the heck" I'll do one more OPK test. And low and behold... it was + for an LH surge! Yippee! I detected the surge. Now I just need to watch the next few days to figure out if I actually ovulated via a sustained temperature rise. This really made my day. The rest of my day prior to this event was CRAP-TASTIC!

Today at work was really difficult. My boss had a rough weekend pregnancy-wise and wanted to tell me ALL about it. She asked me to make the sandwich for school today because she was too nauseous to do it. Well, I was feeling a bit green this morning as well, but sucked it up and did it. I said to her "wow, I was sick all weekend too." She replied "Oh really?" To which I said, "Yes, but not for the reason you were sick." And she says (CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SAID THIS) "Well you wouldn't want to be sick this way." I said "I would LOVE to be sick for your reason." She just laughed and brushed it off. It's so infuriating! My poor hubby got an earful this morning about it. He suggested I tell her how it is upsetting me, but based on the reaction I got this morning I really don't think she would care and/or understand my position. I think I'm going to spill her secret before too long.

Also, the little one started wearing his "big-boy underwear" today which meant we were running to the bathroom every 20 minutes. Ahhh... potty training... I wouldn't wish it on anyone. :) But the good news, is that he is doing a great job. I hope he continues to be excited about it and it will move along smoothly.

Here eggy, eggy, eggy....

To prepare for future donor IVI's at home I've been doing a few things.

1. Try to lose weight.
2. Save $$$
3. Chart my cycles

So, the 1st one I'm doing ok on. So far, I have lost 15 lbs. I would like to lose about 60, but I know that will take time. The 2nd one I'm not doing very well. I haven't saved anything yet! I need to work on cutting my expenses and saving the $$ I cut. The 3rd one I've been doing, but that is what is driving me crazy! I have been using Fertility Friend (an online charting board) to enter my temps & other symptoms. Last month I don't think I detected ovulation. This month I determined I would use and OPK 3 times a day to make sure I "caught" my LH surge. Well, I'm on CD 18 and I still am getting BFN on my OPK's! I'm starting to worry that I'm not ovulating on my own anymore. When we were ttc I could always predict my ovulation. But it's 3 years later and I'm 3 years older. I'm afraid I may not be ovulating. I'm currently taking metformin, prescribed by my midwife, to help lose weight. I wonder if that is messing with my cycles? Anyway, it's REALLY frustrating.