Sorta Sad

Today was my 30th Birthday Party. It was fun, but I'm still sort-of sad. All of my friends, hubby and I went to a pumpkin farm. We got to fling baby pumpkins with water balloon launchers, do a corn maze and pick our own pumpkins out of the pumpkin patch. We then came back to my place, ate some yummy chili and gumbo and then carved our pumpkins. I love my friends; they are my family here. I love spending time with them, and I always have a great time. I also got some kick-ass, thoughtful, unexpected gifts. Plus, hubby did the cooking AND clean-up of the party.

However, I really thought I would be done with having my babies by the time I was 30. When we started trying for our family, I was 22. When we started our fertility treatments, I was 26. It feels like my life is very unfinished up to this point. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family and dogs and friends, but a huge part of what I want is missing.

Last night I had a very vivid dream. I woke up twice last night and both times I fell back asleep I was in this dream. In the dream we lived on a lake house (currently we do not). We were bringing baby twins home for the 1st time. We got settled in and I sat down to breast feed them. I was trying to do both at once and one of the babies was having a hard time latching on. Hubby then takes that baby. When I look at him holding the baby it's older- it has more hair and teeth. I get the one baby nursing fine, and he gives me back the other baby. I look down and this time the baby is a newborn. The twins are a boy and a girl. I could describe them in detail. The room is full of sunlight, and I just sat there nursing my babies and looking down at their sweet faces in the sunlight. The feeling of nursing felt so REAL! (At least how I think it would feel- I've never done it) The dream was so realistic. I woke up and immediately thought, where are the babies? I bet they need to be fed again.

I kept the emotions in check today. I am grateful that everyone came to the party and was so wonderful, so I didn't want to ruin it by crying. However, I know that my actual birthday will be tough. My girlfriend is coming to a spa with me for the day. Then that night some friends and hubby are going with me to one of my favorite sushi places for dinner. I hope that by keeping busy I'm able to keep the sadness, longing and emptiness at bay.