Grow Follies Grow!

Today was the last day for my follicles and eggs to grow and mature.  It is 9:50 PM.  In a mere 12 hours I will be parted from my eggs, and they will be cultured and then introduced to our donor sperm.  It's exciting and anxiety producing at the same time.  I found out today that Sarah 2 will be my nurse during the retrieval.  I love, love, love her!  I love both of my Sarah's.  She was our nurse at the last retrieval and made us both feel at ease.  I'm still hoping for 9 eggs.  My estrodial went up again a bit today, which is good.  I did take a HPT to make sure the hcg was in my system since my RE doesn't test specifically for that, but rather for progesterone and estrodial.  The HPT was a blaring ++.  So, we are good to go.  Thank you for all of the kind thoughts and prayers.  I really appreciate it.

Stim Day 12

I had my final u/s for this IVF today.  Dr Opie was pleased and believes there will be 9 mature eggs at retrieval.  I hope so!  I got the go ahead to do the trigger tonight at 9:30. I am scheduled for retrieval Saturday AM at 9:30.  I am going back tomorrow for more blood work.

The rest of my day was interesting.  My car died at the library.  I came out with the little one after story time and the car wouldn't start.  It sounded like a dead battery.  I phoned DH and we planned for him to pick me up from work and then try to deal with the car after that.  I called my boss and she came and picked us up from the library.  I used the family van the rest of the day with the girls.

After work DH and I got the car started.  (It was the battery) I came home to try to nap, but I couldn't due to my constant cough.  The rest of the afternoon/night I had to lay down but also be propped up.  I can't sit comfortably now due to the bloating of my abdomen, and I can't lay down because I cough.  Joy.  I hope my car will start in the morning....

Stim Day 11

I had my appointment this morning and Dr Opie decided after the ultrasound that I should stim for one more day.  I had 1 follicle over 20 mm, 6 between 15-20 mm and 6 under 15 mm.  He's hoping that with one extra day the 15-20 mm ones will grow big enough to be mature at ER.  I hope so too.  My estrodial finally had a decent rise.  It was 1404 today.  This number is still lower than my successful MDL cycle, but I'm glad it is rising.  My lovely Sarah 1 called to give me my medication directions today.  I love her so much.  She always makes me feel better and calm.  She told me that all looked "fabulous" and for me to stop stressing.  I am doing the same meds tonight and tomorrow morning.  I head back in the morning for another ultrasound and blood draw.  Hopefully, if all looks well, I'll trigger tomorrow night.  I did have to get more meds from the RE today, though since I'm out of cetrotide and down to 225 units of gonal-f.  They didn't have the 450 gonal-f pen I needed so I had to take 2 of the 300 unit pens.  Grrr.  I hate paying for meds I won't use.  Maybe I'll just use it all tomorrow anyway....

Stim Day 10

Almost there.  I'm anxious more than excited about the upcoming ER.  I'm trying to prepare myself for the bad news that I'm sure will be delivered upon waking.  I have my last u/s & b/w appointment tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, there are more follicles and my E2 falls in line with what is being seen on the u/s.  My stomach has been hurting all of last night and today.  I'm sure it's a combination of stress and drinking lots of acidic juices (pineapple & oj) in the attempt to get better.

Stim Day 9

I am home sick again.  I'm hoping to return to work tomorrow. 

I had my RE appointment this morning and I was very nervous.  The first thing RE said to me (after pleasantries) was "have you and your husband discussed how many follicles you want to have before deciding if you cancel this cycle?"  WHAT?  I had no clue we should be considering canceling.  I told him we hadn't and he told me he'd do the u/s and then give me his opinion.  The u/s revealed that I have 3 follicles on the right that are measurable and 7 on the left that are measurable with 3 or 4 smaller ones.  Good news, right?  Well, it would be if my estrodial matched those numbers.  RE suspects that the egg quality is low and that is why the estrodial numbers are low.  What does this mean for this cycle?  RE wants us to move ahead.  He stated that if I was older, he would suggest canceling.  But because of my age he is hopeful that the eggs will be able to produce embryos that will make it to a 3dt.  He also stated that this is the end of the road.  There aren't any other protocols he would suggest.  If my ovaries don't respond to this, then they aren't going to respond.  So, that leaves us with this less than great cycle.  We are moving forward.  I am stimming for 2 more days and return on Wednesday for another u/s and b/w.  Trigger will be Wednesday with a Friday ER.  I'm praying for a miracle at this point.  And now I'm heading to bed to rest.

Stim Day 8

Not much new to report.  I'm still feeling ill.  Fever is officially gone, but headache/cough/sore throat are worse.  I most likely will be staying home from work tomorrow to rest and try to get better before ER. 

I did a side-by-side comparison of estrodial numbers and follicle scans for my past IVF's and this current one.  It doesn't look good.  My RE and nurse assure me it's fine.  I've decided I'm not going to stress about it.  I'm doing all that I can do to make this cycle a success and worrying about estrodial numbers won't make them change.  I hope, hope, hope we have a good ER this week.  I go back tomorrow for b/w and u/s.

Stim Day 7

Coughing was better last night, but for some reason I woke up and was AWAKE at 4:30 this morning.  I headed back to bed around 6:30 and slept until the alarm went off at 7:00.  The u/s this morning went well.  There were 9 follicles again, and more were measurable with the largest at 14mm.  The blood work was disappointing.  My estrodial is rising, but slowly.  It was only 283 today.  I questioned my nurse when she called with meds instructions and she stated "yes, it is low, but it correlates pretty well with your u/s results."  When I asked if we would be cancelled, she told me she didn't think so.  Blerg.  So, the new meds are to continue 450 units of gonal-f in the AM, add cetrotide in the AM and up the PM gonal-f to 225 units.  I head back to the RE on Monday.  I'm hoping and praying that all will go well and my estrodial will rise.

I had acupuncture today and she did a lot of points to help with my congestion and cold.  She also did cupping, which HURTS, but ultimately helps in the recovery process.  I've been a slug today and just rested on the couch.  DH has been a great help and has been taking wonderful care of me.  I know I'm a difficult (read impossible) sick person and then add hormones into the mix and he is a saint.  Last night (as one example) I was watching Raising Arizona.  He came in and sat down to watch it with me.  When they returned Nathan Jr and were looking at him before they left, I LOST it.  I started crying and wheezing and DH looked at me like I was crazy and said, "why did you turn this on if it was going to make you cry?"  To which I lost it even more and couldn't breathe as I wheezed out how mean he was.  He took my snotty, crying mess of a head into his arms and gave me a big hug until I calmed down and stopped my wheezing/crying.  Now that's true love.

Stim Day 6

I am sick.  I've had a fever hovering around 101-102 for the day.  I've been controlling the fever with Tylenol.  It has gotten so bad that I'm wheezing and have to sit/lay in a certain position to breathe.  My ovaries are feeling very "full" and it's beginning to be difficult to sit straight up.  I am hoping that this means a lot of growth will be seen at the u/s.

Late Stim Day 5 Post

Sorry I didn't post on stim day 5.  I was feeling awful and took it easy the whole night.  The u/s was ok.  I'm not impressed by this new protocol so far.  When I have the energy I'll post a side-by-side comparison of results on each protocol I've been on.  Estrodial was 147 yesterday.  Meh.  There were 6 follies on the left (3 measurable) and 3 on the right (2 measurable).  They kept my gonal-f in the AM the same, dropped menopur at night and added gonal-f 150 units at night.  I go back Saturday.
I'm still feeling really sick.  The Dr has ok'd me to take Tylenol.  So that's what I'll be doing.

Stim Day 4 & Cooking!

I'm feeling much better.  I think I am almost done with my kiddo illness.  The only things bothering me now are most likely side effects.  I'm on the same dosage as yesterday for both meds.  I am starting to feel twinges in my ovaries.  I'm hopeful that there will be some great activity going on and that Dr. Opie will be able to see it on the ultrasound tomorrow.  I have to remember to bring my cetrotide with me to work (nurse Sarah suggested this) just on the off chance that my follicles have grown large enough (I think 12 or 14mm) to necessitate taking the cetrotide.
Tonight I picked up the knitting needles I need to start on my faith project for this cycle.  I'm going to cast on this weekend and knit and knit and knit.  I'm also thinking of doing another knitting project for myself after I finish the one for baby.  I also grated up some root veggies for a fertility promoting salad for tomorrow's dinner.  It smells yummy and I can't wait to try it.  The recipe is one created by my acupuncturist.  I also grated up some cabbage, carrots and ginger for a new batch of cultured veggies.  I love cultured vegetables and haven't made them in months.  If you've never tried them, you should check it out.  I can't wait to try them in a few weeks.

Stim Day 3

I had my b/w done today.  With this cycle they will be monitoring my estrodial (as usual), but they have also added LH, FSH and progesterone.  They are tracking everything very closely this time around.  I'm not sure if it is the protocol (most likely) or to get a better feel for where I'm at.  The estrodial dropped from Saturday, but that is probably due to my stopping the estrace.  We will see what is actually going on with a u/s on Thursday and more b/w.  My dosage stays the same.  450 units Gonal-F in the AM and 150 units Menopur in the PM.  The Menopur is still painful and burning.  But I only have 2 more injections of it and then I'm done. 
I'm still feeling ill.  I now think that some of the aches and dizziness (headache too) are from the stims.  I took off from work early today and I am grateful that tomorrow is an early day for me as well.  The little one was sick over the weekend and consequently a bear today.  Hopefully she and I will both feel better tomorrow.

Stim Day 2

I'm on stim day 2.  AFC was on Saturday and it was so-so.  There were 5 on the right and 3 on the left.  Dr K did the u/s though, and she has never found many follicles when she does the u/s.  I'm hoping that at the stim day 5 u/s there are more follies growing.
Stims are going ok.  I've been sick the past 2 days with aches, headaches, sore throat and sore ears.  I also have had a mild fever.  I think it was just a bug I picked up from the nanny kiddos, but who knows.  The menopur shot still is stinging (as it has in the past for me).  I can't figure out how to make it NOT sting, so I'll just push through it.  I only have to do it for 3 more days.  I'm on 450 units of gonal-f and 150 units of menopur.  I'm guessing (based on the last couple of IVFs) that the dosage will stay the same until Thursday.  At that point my RE drops the menopur and doubles up on the gonal-f.  My poor old ovaries really need all the extra meds to get them going.
The only major side effect that I'm attributing to the meds and not the bug is major mood swings.  I was a wreck today.  I stayed home from work to rest and watched movies.  Every emotional thing I watched today (movies, commercials, tv shows) had me crying.  Fun.
I'm heading back to the RE tomorrow for b/w and then to work.  Hopefully the ER will be here before I know it...

Thus Far

I've taken estrace for 2 1/2 days.  I've had cetrotide for 2 days.  AF arrived in all her glory this afternoon.  After a panic-y call to the RE I was told to discontinue the estrace and take the last dose of cetrotide tomorrow AM.  I go in Saturday AM for a scan and blood work.  I'm concerned that because I'm not taking the last 3 estrace pills I won't have been "estrogen primed" properly.  I addressed it with my nurse, and she said it was fine.  I'll be bringing it up with the RE on Saturday.

Side effects.  I was hoping I could slide by and not have any on these meds since I'm on them for such a short time, but it wasn't meant to be.  I've had hot flashes for most of today.  I've had a KILLER headache since I woke today as well.  I've increased my water (in the hopes that it would get rid of the headache) but that hasn't helped.  Tylenol is not helping either.  I hope that once the meds are out of my system, I'll have time to have everything calm down before I start the stims and get the stim side effects.

I'm excited that this is all starting to be real.  It's exciting to start using the pile of meds on my table and the stack of them in the fridge.  I am really hopeful that this will be the one for us. 

Meltdown

I'm not particularly proud of myself today. I found out this morning (before leaving for work) via Facebook that our neighbors are expecting their 2nd child. I was ok, until I really started thinking about it. I don't begrudge them another child- they are fantastic parents. It is more that I feel cheated that they are having ANOTHER one and we don't have any. My first thought was "I hope her due date is not when Rowan was due." My crazy, meltdown mind ran around in these pointless circles of depression, grief, jealousy and self-loathing all morning. I was thinking about it and upset so much that I had to go hide in the bathroom for part of breakfast with the girls because I was crying and couldn't stop. When does the news of a friend/acquaintances pregnancy ever get easier? I was at peace with finding out about other pregnancies up until I lost our daughter. Now I feel like I'm back to the bitter, jealous woman I once was. I hope this will pass. I am happy for our neighbors. I'm just sad for us.

What If

There is a pretty cool project going on over at Stirrup Queens that I think everyone should check out.  We (as an IF community) are being asked to comment on the post our biggest IF "what if"?  I listed 3 of my "what ifs":

What if our angel daughter was our only chance to experience pregnancy and have a child?
What if I can never trust my body and instincts again?
What if all these hormones have a negative impact on my future health?

Updates

I realized I hadn't updated the blog in a bit.

It's official, I've ovulated. The RE thinks it was on Saturday. This means that I start the estrogen on the 13th and the antagonist on the 14th.

I saw my acupuncturist last week and today. Both times she told me that all of my pulses are the best they've been since she started seeing me 2 1/2 years ago. Woo-hoo! I'm glad that all of my hard work with the detox, eating right, meditations and exercise have been doing some measurable good.

Work is stressful as the mom is still not working. They've decided to have her return to work AFTER the IVF stuff for me. On one hand this is good, as I don't need to worry about scheduling monitoring appointments around their work. On the other hand, she is driving me crazy. I had a long talk with her today and pointed out the ways that she is making my job difficult. She was glad I told her, as she didn't have a clue. Hopefully she will be mindful of what we discussed moving forward. Only 3 more weeks and then I'll be off for the ER and ET.

Odd & Funny things my DH says...

My DH is a very funny guy. One of the reasons I was attracted to him the first place was his sarcastic, witty and silly sense of humor. As we are going through all of this IF crap he is always there to make me laugh. Today is no exception. Below is a transcript of an IM chat we just had:

Me: Ugh. Trying to determine if the pee stick lines are indicating surge.
DH: SURGE! GO GO GO! HORMONE ATTACK!
Me: LOL. You are silly. Yup- time limit is up. I'm surging. Gotta call the clinic.
DH: I need to have a Hormone Surge challenge in Modern Warfare**
Me: What would it consist of?
DH: Capture the Ovaries!
Block all Menstruation!
Hold those follicles!
instead of night vision goggles I could have an ultrasound wand on my helmet.
Me: LOL. You are too funny and know TOO much about this whole process.

He's a keeper for sure. :) All that to say, that I am surging and go in tomorrow for blood work and the culture. I'm glad that this appointment fell on the weekend so that I didn't need to take time off from work, but I'm a bit upset that I don't get to sleep in tomorrow.

Another funny DH quote "trans-vaginal ultrasound: trans-vaginal makes it sound like you have to take a train and wear a hat with a big feather on it and have hat boxes and luggage."


**XBOX game that DH has recently started playing.