Meltdown

I'm not particularly proud of myself today. I found out this morning (before leaving for work) via Facebook that our neighbors are expecting their 2nd child. I was ok, until I really started thinking about it. I don't begrudge them another child- they are fantastic parents. It is more that I feel cheated that they are having ANOTHER one and we don't have any. My first thought was "I hope her due date is not when Rowan was due." My crazy, meltdown mind ran around in these pointless circles of depression, grief, jealousy and self-loathing all morning. I was thinking about it and upset so much that I had to go hide in the bathroom for part of breakfast with the girls because I was crying and couldn't stop. When does the news of a friend/acquaintances pregnancy ever get easier? I was at peace with finding out about other pregnancies up until I lost our daughter. Now I feel like I'm back to the bitter, jealous woman I once was. I hope this will pass. I am happy for our neighbors. I'm just sad for us.