This week has been another stressful one. Things have slightly calmed down on the work front. It is calmer, in my opinion, because the girls Auntie went back home. The mom is still in the hospital and hopefully will be home next Sunday.
We had a couples counseling session on Wednesday which was good. We were able to figure out what we are thinking of doing for future cycles. For right now we are taking a break. I am planning on talking with my acupuncturist this week about a timeline for trying IVF again. We are thinking that we will move to this more aggressive IVF in a few cycles. This will hopefully give my body time to recover a bit and grow strong again to support a pregnancy.
I had decided to take this Sunday off from my music responsibilities at church. I started calling and emailing women in my church to be a sub for me on Thursday. I didn't hear back from many until Friday. I only found someone for 1 of the hours. I then ended up calling more women on Saturday to find someone for the 2nd hour. It was such a hassle and more stressful than I had hoped. I had to contact 10 women to find coverage. STRESS!!
Emotionally I have had ups and downs this week. Yesterday and today have been a down day. I'm missing my baby. I keep thinking of what might have been and it's sad. DH has been sad too. He said in our therapy session how much harder it was for him to deal with our miscarriage now that we know she was a girl and have named her. He said it seems more real now. For me, it has helped to name her. It DOES seem more real. We had a daughter and she has passed away. Now we can begin grieving her before we move on to try again.
The name we chose for our daughter is: Rowan Emma. I'm so pleased that we found such a beautiful name for our little one. I ordered both of the memorial necklaces, and they should arrive next week. I can't wait to have something to wear and to physically touch to daily remind myself of our little girl.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
LEAP
Luteal Estrace/Antagonist Protocol. This is the new protocol being recommended by our RE for a future cycle. It seems (from what I've read) that it is an estrogen priming protocol. Basically, I call when I see ovulation based on OPK's and then start oral estrace. The next day I add an atagonist for 2 days. AF arrives after 2 days and then it's a baseline U/S. If all looks well then I start stims. 5 days into the stims I start the antagonist again (once follicles are 12-14mm) and continue until the trigger.
It's a lot to consider. DH and I know we aren't moving forward on the next cycle, February, as our RE suggested. We aren't ready that quickly. For now, we are thinking about it but trying not to obsess.
I am planning on getting into my acupuncturist to find out what she thinks. I want to have a good chance of this working if we move forward, so I want to do all I can TCM-wise to make that happen.
I'd also like to shed some of the weight I've gained through the past 6 months of IVF craziness.
On another note.... we've picked our daughter's name. Once we've told our family I'll post it here.
It's a lot to consider. DH and I know we aren't moving forward on the next cycle, February, as our RE suggested. We aren't ready that quickly. For now, we are thinking about it but trying not to obsess.
I am planning on getting into my acupuncturist to find out what she thinks. I want to have a good chance of this working if we move forward, so I want to do all I can TCM-wise to make that happen.
I'd also like to shed some of the weight I've gained through the past 6 months of IVF craziness.
On another note.... we've picked our daughter's name. Once we've told our family I'll post it here.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
IVF cycle review
We had our cycle review meeting with Dr. Opie yesterday. It was a bit overwhelming, and I kept getting hung up on a few things he said. Here are some of the highlights/low lights of the meeting:
Our baby was a chromosomally normal girl
Even though the genetic test came back normal he still believes there was something abnormal with the pregnancy
He doesn't want to do a recurrent miscarriage panel for me as he believes the tests won't show anything anyway and we are OOP
There isn't anything we could do in the future to prevent other miscarriages
This miscarriage doesn't decrease our chances of conceiving again
He thinks we should go forward with IVF again- in his words "All hope is not lost. Given enough time you could become pregnant and deliver a baby"
Also, his words "You are not the best reproductively" Gee thanks.
If we move forward, I would be on what he termed the "LEAP" protocol. It's not MDL or long lupron. I tried googling it but haven't found anything. He briefly described it but didn't go into details. I would start hormones (he didn't specify which ones, and I didn't ask believing I could find more info online) after I ovulate. So, it would be similar to a long lupron in that it is over a 1 1/2-to-2-month time period.
He wants us to try again soon. I brought up lab closures (wanting to find out when it was so we don't run into it again) and he said that we shouldn't wait 4-6 months. (The next closure is in the summer- July/Aug time frame) He thinks that when the next AF arrives would be a good time to start. The reason to move forward now is my past history of low AFC and poor response. Time is not my friend or on my side.
He believes our chances of conceiving again are the same as last time- 40%. He said possibly higher but definitely not lower.
Overall, he told us we had a bad streak of luck with our last pregnancy but that we should be cautiously optimistic and hopeful.
*************************************************************
I'm disappointed that we don't have more information for why this happened. We both figured we would have some answers, but not all of them. But this is my 2nd to worst case scenario for the meeting.
I am glad we know that our baby was a girl. We are now picking her names. I love my daughter and want her to have a name. We are running into problems picking her names as we are hesitant to use names we would use for a living child. That sounds awful, but that's how I'm feeling right now. DH and I hope to come to a decision soon about her name. I hope that I'll be able to grieve her more fully now that I know a bit more about her.
DH and I have discussed what to do moving forward. We haven't come to any decisions yet. I need to find out more information about the protocol before I can make a decision, I think. It's hard for me to make any decisions right now because of my exhaustion level (emotionally and physically) due to my current work situation.
On my psychiatrist's advice I'm taking it as easy as possible this weekend. I've found a substitute music teacher for church. DH and I are doing dinner tonight with our dear friends and goddaughter, but that's about all the social stuff I can handle. I'm hoping that I won't be needed at work this weekend, but the situation is still so tenuous and things could change quickly.
I have a lot to think about and process and I'm hoping that I can do it quickly so that we can make a decision soon.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Awake
I can't seem to sleep. My mind is full and my thoughts keep swirling around. I hope that by writing them out I will get some peace and that eventually the sleeping pill I took will kick in...
- I'm missing my little one intensely today. AF arrived today and is a physical reminder that my little one is no longer being carried with me. All day I missed you little one.
-I'm worried about my employer. I'm glad she's finally in a hospital that can help her. However, I know she is scared and feels alone. I know that this is the right decision for her family, but my heart goes out to her.
-I'm concerned that I may be unemployed at the end of this. My employer owns her own business and is a contract employee to another larger company. She was in the middle of negotiating a contract for next year when this all happened. If she is unable to have an income, then they will be unable to afford a nanny.
-I'm physically exhausted by all of this stress over the past week. I am not sleeping well or eating well. I know this is adding to the exhaustion I'm feeling, yet I have a hard time breaking out of this cycle right now.
-I'm anxious about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I am worried about the answers we will receive if any and anxious that Dr O won't have any good news for us if we were to move forward again with IVF.
-IVF... can I do it again? Emotionally it was so difficult. Physically it was really rough on my body. Financially... I may not have a job which is all that could enable us to try again. Our chances last go was 40%. Yet, to have our child I know all of the pain, hurt, discomfort and challenges would be so worth it. For those few weeks when I was carrying our baby it was bliss... I was constantly worried, but it was bliss... a miracle. But if I did conceive again would the baby grow to term? So many, many questions and no answers for now.
- I'm missing my little one intensely today. AF arrived today and is a physical reminder that my little one is no longer being carried with me. All day I missed you little one.
-I'm worried about my employer. I'm glad she's finally in a hospital that can help her. However, I know she is scared and feels alone. I know that this is the right decision for her family, but my heart goes out to her.
-I'm concerned that I may be unemployed at the end of this. My employer owns her own business and is a contract employee to another larger company. She was in the middle of negotiating a contract for next year when this all happened. If she is unable to have an income, then they will be unable to afford a nanny.
-I'm physically exhausted by all of this stress over the past week. I am not sleeping well or eating well. I know this is adding to the exhaustion I'm feeling, yet I have a hard time breaking out of this cycle right now.
-I'm anxious about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I am worried about the answers we will receive if any and anxious that Dr O won't have any good news for us if we were to move forward again with IVF.
-IVF... can I do it again? Emotionally it was so difficult. Physically it was really rough on my body. Financially... I may not have a job which is all that could enable us to try again. Our chances last go was 40%. Yet, to have our child I know all of the pain, hurt, discomfort and challenges would be so worth it. For those few weeks when I was carrying our baby it was bliss... I was constantly worried, but it was bliss... a miracle. But if I did conceive again would the baby grow to term? So many, many questions and no answers for now.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Draining Day
Today started out ok. I slept in again (I can't seem to get enough sleep this weekend) and then puttered around getting things together for church. DH took off to do some photography, and I got dressed for church.
Ten minutes before church was to start my cell phone rang. I instantly was concerned that it was my employer. It was. He stated that he needed to take his wife to the ER and asked if I could come take care of the girls. I immediately told him I could and that I had to call some people at church and then I'd come over. Of course, I couldn't get a hold of anyone from church since they were AT church. I drove to the chapel and found a friend who agreed to do the children's music for me.
I headed home and changed out of church clothes and into nanny clothes and headed to work. I was shocked by my employer's appearance. This is not the woman I know. She has deteriorated fast. She was restless, confused and looked very, very tired. The girls were happy to see me. My employer eventually was able to get his wife ready to leave and then he took her to the hospital.
I took charge on the home front and got the girls lunch and then ready for naps. They both took good naps. During nap time my employer called and filled me in. He told me that his wife would be staying at the hospital and he wanted to try and stay until a Dr. was assigned to her. He asked if I could stay a few more hours and get the girls their dinner. I readily agreed.
The girls woke up and we watched part of a Disney movie and then I fed them dinner. Their dad came home and we had a quick talk about how to handle the absence of their mother. Originally, he wanted to tell them that she had flown to be with her ill father (who passed away last week), but he brought up the idea of telling them the truth. I pounced on that and he decided to go that way and asked me to stay as he told them.
After the girls were cleaned up from dinner, he held one and I held the other and he told them that 'mama is sick and needs to stay at the hospital with the Dr's and nurses until she gets better.' The oldest asked 'how did mama got sick?' He told her that he didn't know but hopefully the Dr's would find out and help her get better. Then the kids asked if they could finish the movie. I turned the movie on for them and spoke some more with their father. He is so distraught and at his wits end. He told me that his mother and probably his sister-in-law (the mom's sister) would be coming to town to help.
I came home and filled in DH. I can't imagine if this was happening to me and I had to make these kinds of decisions regarding my spouse. I hope that the girls' mom is able to have a quick diagnosis and recovery and that their dad is able to handle the stress of caring for his wife and the girls. I'm emotionally drained and I'm assuming this will be a difficult and stressful week for all involved.
Ten minutes before church was to start my cell phone rang. I instantly was concerned that it was my employer. It was. He stated that he needed to take his wife to the ER and asked if I could come take care of the girls. I immediately told him I could and that I had to call some people at church and then I'd come over. Of course, I couldn't get a hold of anyone from church since they were AT church. I drove to the chapel and found a friend who agreed to do the children's music for me.
I headed home and changed out of church clothes and into nanny clothes and headed to work. I was shocked by my employer's appearance. This is not the woman I know. She has deteriorated fast. She was restless, confused and looked very, very tired. The girls were happy to see me. My employer eventually was able to get his wife ready to leave and then he took her to the hospital.
I took charge on the home front and got the girls lunch and then ready for naps. They both took good naps. During nap time my employer called and filled me in. He told me that his wife would be staying at the hospital and he wanted to try and stay until a Dr. was assigned to her. He asked if I could stay a few more hours and get the girls their dinner. I readily agreed.
The girls woke up and we watched part of a Disney movie and then I fed them dinner. Their dad came home and we had a quick talk about how to handle the absence of their mother. Originally, he wanted to tell them that she had flown to be with her ill father (who passed away last week), but he brought up the idea of telling them the truth. I pounced on that and he decided to go that way and asked me to stay as he told them.
After the girls were cleaned up from dinner, he held one and I held the other and he told them that 'mama is sick and needs to stay at the hospital with the Dr's and nurses until she gets better.' The oldest asked 'how did mama got sick?' He told her that he didn't know but hopefully the Dr's would find out and help her get better. Then the kids asked if they could finish the movie. I turned the movie on for them and spoke some more with their father. He is so distraught and at his wits end. He told me that his mother and probably his sister-in-law (the mom's sister) would be coming to town to help.
I came home and filled in DH. I can't imagine if this was happening to me and I had to make these kinds of decisions regarding my spouse. I hope that the girls' mom is able to have a quick diagnosis and recovery and that their dad is able to handle the stress of caring for his wife and the girls. I'm emotionally drained and I'm assuming this will be a difficult and stressful week for all involved.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Hearts Knitted Together
I successfully told the two women in my church about our loss. It was easier to spit the words out than I thought. They were so kind and loving. One woman had 7 babies lost to heaven before her 1st born. The other woman has had two daughters have miscarriages in the past year as well. It was a huge relief to let someone of my faith in my congregation know about our recent struggle. They both also validated my feelings that my baby had a soul and is in heaven. Even though our faith doesn't have specific doctrine on this topic (just about once the "quickening" occurs) they both feel that there was a soul there.
They just left my home after an hour and a half visit and I feel a calmness and peace that I haven't had in a while. I hope it lasts.
They just left my home after an hour and a half visit and I feel a calmness and peace that I haven't had in a while. I hope it lasts.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Stressful Week
This week I've been so busy at work that I haven't had much time to process my emotions and feelings. My employer has gone downhill since hearing about her dad's passing. The kiddos have felt the underlying tension/grief and don't know why. (They have decided not to tell the girls until mom is feeling more stable) I've been working extra hours and it's taking a toll.
I had another therapy session yesterday. It was really good. She is great at helping me re-frame what I am thinking. It has really helped me with blame. I am really doing the blame game right now. I blame myself for our loss. I have been around and around in my head about it and that is all I can figure.
I am nervous about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I'm afraid that yet again there won't be answers. I hope that there will be something in the pathology report that can shed light on what happened. I think it will be a difficult appointment.
With my therapists help, I've decided to tell a few more people about our recent loss. I'm hoping that this won't come back to haunt me. I have a hard time trusting those not in my inner circle with any personal information. Specifically, I'm thinking of telling a few women in my ward and possibly a friend that wasn't aware of what we've been going through the past months. My fear in telling others is that they will say thoughtless things or they will talk to others about our personal story. I'm planning on specifying that we don't want others to know and want them to keep it to themselves.
Another suggestion from my therapist (can you tell I went yesterday and it's all fresh in my mind?) is that I try to reach out to women on FF that are in a similar situation. I've found myself lurking on the "ttc after loss" board but haven't been able to really connect with most of them women as they are in a different place. So many of the posts are about ttc again as soon as they get the green light from the ob/gyn's. Whereas if/when we move forward it will be another long haul not an intimate moment between DH and I. So, I started a thread and we'll see what happens.
I'm starting to feel like socializing again. We are going out to a friend's birthday lunch on Saturday. I think it will be good to see everyone again. I think I'm ready to be out in the world in small doses. DH and I had a date night last Saturday and while I didn't enjoy they movie we went to it was nice to have some time to reconnect and have fun together.
I had another therapy session yesterday. It was really good. She is great at helping me re-frame what I am thinking. It has really helped me with blame. I am really doing the blame game right now. I blame myself for our loss. I have been around and around in my head about it and that is all I can figure.
I am nervous about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I'm afraid that yet again there won't be answers. I hope that there will be something in the pathology report that can shed light on what happened. I think it will be a difficult appointment.
With my therapists help, I've decided to tell a few more people about our recent loss. I'm hoping that this won't come back to haunt me. I have a hard time trusting those not in my inner circle with any personal information. Specifically, I'm thinking of telling a few women in my ward and possibly a friend that wasn't aware of what we've been going through the past months. My fear in telling others is that they will say thoughtless things or they will talk to others about our personal story. I'm planning on specifying that we don't want others to know and want them to keep it to themselves.
Another suggestion from my therapist (can you tell I went yesterday and it's all fresh in my mind?) is that I try to reach out to women on FF that are in a similar situation. I've found myself lurking on the "ttc after loss" board but haven't been able to really connect with most of them women as they are in a different place. So many of the posts are about ttc again as soon as they get the green light from the ob/gyn's. Whereas if/when we move forward it will be another long haul not an intimate moment between DH and I. So, I started a thread and we'll see what happens.
I'm starting to feel like socializing again. We are going out to a friend's birthday lunch on Saturday. I think it will be good to see everyone again. I think I'm ready to be out in the world in small doses. DH and I had a date night last Saturday and while I didn't enjoy they movie we went to it was nice to have some time to reconnect and have fun together.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Anniversaries
DH and I met with the psychiatrist yesterday. I told her how I have a hard time with two particular days of the week. Thursday and Saturday. We discussed how these are anniversaries to me and even if I don't consciously remember that they are anniversaries (which I TOTALLY do right now) that my body recognizes them as such. With that said....
It's been 1 month since I started bleeding. It's been 4 weeks since we saw our little one's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine because we had to be seen by the RE because I was bleeding. It's been 28 days since this nightmare started. It's been a hard month.
Today was an emotionally charged and difficult day at work. Yesterday my employer's father passed away. She wasn't incredibly close to him, but still her dad is dead. She's home from work the rest of the week and maybe home next week too. She didn't have the energy to tell the girls last night. I feel sad for the family and their loss. Being in a home that is grieving (as I was today) has amplified my feelings of grief over the loss of our child. I tried to be out of the house as much as possible today with the girls to give their mom some time to do what she needs to do. I'm not sure how the girls will react. They are both so young and don't know this grandfather well at all.
I saw a movie with the kids today. The new Disney one- "The Princess and the Frog." It was cute. I enjoyed the overall message of the movie and the animation and music was nice. I did well emotionally and held it together for the movie. There was a preview before the movie that was difficult to watch. It's for a new movie coming out "Babies" that follows 4 infants in 4 areas of the world over their first year of life. I was quietly sobbing through the whole preview and the following preview. Luckily, the girls didn't notice as they were absorbed in eating their popcorn. I had prepared myself to be around kids/pregnant moms/babies today but didn't anticipate this particular preview. We were at a play area inside the mall prior to the movie and I counted no less than 9 enormous pregnant bellies. Who knows how many more were in the early stages of pregnancy.
This Saturday will be another anniversary. I would have been 10 weeks pregnant, and it will be 1 month since the D & C. I wonder when I'll stop obsessing over these weekly anniversaries.
It's been 1 month since I started bleeding. It's been 4 weeks since we saw our little one's heartbeat on the ultrasound machine because we had to be seen by the RE because I was bleeding. It's been 28 days since this nightmare started. It's been a hard month.
Today was an emotionally charged and difficult day at work. Yesterday my employer's father passed away. She wasn't incredibly close to him, but still her dad is dead. She's home from work the rest of the week and maybe home next week too. She didn't have the energy to tell the girls last night. I feel sad for the family and their loss. Being in a home that is grieving (as I was today) has amplified my feelings of grief over the loss of our child. I tried to be out of the house as much as possible today with the girls to give their mom some time to do what she needs to do. I'm not sure how the girls will react. They are both so young and don't know this grandfather well at all.
I saw a movie with the kids today. The new Disney one- "The Princess and the Frog." It was cute. I enjoyed the overall message of the movie and the animation and music was nice. I did well emotionally and held it together for the movie. There was a preview before the movie that was difficult to watch. It's for a new movie coming out "Babies" that follows 4 infants in 4 areas of the world over their first year of life. I was quietly sobbing through the whole preview and the following preview. Luckily, the girls didn't notice as they were absorbed in eating their popcorn. I had prepared myself to be around kids/pregnant moms/babies today but didn't anticipate this particular preview. We were at a play area inside the mall prior to the movie and I counted no less than 9 enormous pregnant bellies. Who knows how many more were in the early stages of pregnancy.
This Saturday will be another anniversary. I would have been 10 weeks pregnant, and it will be 1 month since the D & C. I wonder when I'll stop obsessing over these weekly anniversaries.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Back to Negative
I had a blood draw yesterday with the RE. My hCG number is back in the negative at 2.7. It is so hard to wrap my mind around everything still. I can't seem to process any of this. I'm hoping that our IVF cycle review meeting with Dr. O will shed light on what happened and options for the future so that I can get some closure.
I'm choosing not to deal with my emotions right now. Healthy, right? I just can't. I'm so drained with daily life right now that when my mind wanders and I do think about our little one I lose it. I'm tired of being a depressed, weeping mess. I'm tired of having no hope. I'm tired of being so exhausted. I'm tired of feeling numb.
Physically I am doing much better. My bleeding has completely stopped. I have occasional random pains, but don't require the prescription meds anymore. I am disgusted with what I've become physically. I need to start eating properly and exercising again. I've gained approximately 35 lbs. since we started all of this back in July. It's hard to be motivated to take care of myself though, since I have such self-loathing right now.
Spiritually I'm not doing well. I have a lot of anger and frustration with God. I know that bad things happen to good people, but it seems like I can't catch a break. My DH and I are trying to fulfill God's plan for us, but it seems like our plan is not matching up with God's. Our plan is to have a family. God doesn't want us to have that for some unknown reason. Yet, my cousin who has had 2 children removed from her custody by the state is still popping out babies and God is ok with that. I've decided for now to continue going to church. I think that in the long term it will be the best for me. Right now, it is difficult. I am going to continue working with the children doing music. I know that if I didn't have that position at church, I wouldn't go at all right now. I figure I need to give God the opportunity to at least try to reach me, and what better place than church even if I'm just going through the motions. I've not had this kind of crisis of faith before. It's strange. When DH was diagnosed with azoospermia, I had faith that it would all work out and turned to God. When our 18 IUI's didn't work, I had faith that somehow everything would work out. When we took an extended break from IF, I had faith and turned to God. Through this whole IVF process, I've had faith and turned to God. In my despair, when I started to miscarry, I turned to God having faith that he would save our child. And yet, my child is dead and my faith is wavering and flickering like a candle about to go out.
I went to the grocery store for the first time in almost a month. It was very strange. I still am having a hard time being around crowds. This week at work was difficult as I had to take the girls out every morning (since there were 4 adults at home that had things to do at home) which meant a lot of children's venues. It's hard to be at those places with all of the pregnant bellies, babies and kids. I hope that at some point it will become easier to be around others. I have random anger at these women that are pregnant. For all I know they too have struggled and are so happy and grateful to be pregnant and I should be happy for them.... but I'm not. Not now.
DH has been so kind, patient and loving with me. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. My employers have been so wonderful as well. My family and friends have done all they can for me. And yet, I still struggle. Will it ever get easier?
I'm choosing not to deal with my emotions right now. Healthy, right? I just can't. I'm so drained with daily life right now that when my mind wanders and I do think about our little one I lose it. I'm tired of being a depressed, weeping mess. I'm tired of having no hope. I'm tired of being so exhausted. I'm tired of feeling numb.
Physically I am doing much better. My bleeding has completely stopped. I have occasional random pains, but don't require the prescription meds anymore. I am disgusted with what I've become physically. I need to start eating properly and exercising again. I've gained approximately 35 lbs. since we started all of this back in July. It's hard to be motivated to take care of myself though, since I have such self-loathing right now.
Spiritually I'm not doing well. I have a lot of anger and frustration with God. I know that bad things happen to good people, but it seems like I can't catch a break. My DH and I are trying to fulfill God's plan for us, but it seems like our plan is not matching up with God's. Our plan is to have a family. God doesn't want us to have that for some unknown reason. Yet, my cousin who has had 2 children removed from her custody by the state is still popping out babies and God is ok with that. I've decided for now to continue going to church. I think that in the long term it will be the best for me. Right now, it is difficult. I am going to continue working with the children doing music. I know that if I didn't have that position at church, I wouldn't go at all right now. I figure I need to give God the opportunity to at least try to reach me, and what better place than church even if I'm just going through the motions. I've not had this kind of crisis of faith before. It's strange. When DH was diagnosed with azoospermia, I had faith that it would all work out and turned to God. When our 18 IUI's didn't work, I had faith that somehow everything would work out. When we took an extended break from IF, I had faith and turned to God. Through this whole IVF process, I've had faith and turned to God. In my despair, when I started to miscarry, I turned to God having faith that he would save our child. And yet, my child is dead and my faith is wavering and flickering like a candle about to go out.
I went to the grocery store for the first time in almost a month. It was very strange. I still am having a hard time being around crowds. This week at work was difficult as I had to take the girls out every morning (since there were 4 adults at home that had things to do at home) which meant a lot of children's venues. It's hard to be at those places with all of the pregnant bellies, babies and kids. I hope that at some point it will become easier to be around others. I have random anger at these women that are pregnant. For all I know they too have struggled and are so happy and grateful to be pregnant and I should be happy for them.... but I'm not. Not now.
DH has been so kind, patient and loving with me. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. My employers have been so wonderful as well. My family and friends have done all they can for me. And yet, I still struggle. Will it ever get easier?
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