I had a blood draw yesterday with the RE. My hCG number is back in the negative at 2.7. It is so hard to wrap my mind around everything still. I can't seem to process any of this. I'm hoping that our IVF cycle review meeting with Dr. O will shed light on what happened and options for the future so that I can get some closure.
I'm choosing not to deal with my emotions right now. Healthy, right? I just can't. I'm so drained with daily life right now that when my mind wanders and I do think about our little one I lose it. I'm tired of being a depressed, weeping mess. I'm tired of having no hope. I'm tired of being so exhausted. I'm tired of feeling numb.
Physically I am doing much better. My bleeding has completely stopped. I have occasional random pains, but don't require the prescription meds anymore. I am disgusted with what I've become physically. I need to start eating properly and exercising again. I've gained approximately 35 lbs. since we started all of this back in July. It's hard to be motivated to take care of myself though, since I have such self-loathing right now.
Spiritually I'm not doing well. I have a lot of anger and frustration with God. I know that bad things happen to good people, but it seems like I can't catch a break. My DH and I are trying to fulfill God's plan for us, but it seems like our plan is not matching up with God's. Our plan is to have a family. God doesn't want us to have that for some unknown reason. Yet, my cousin who has had 2 children removed from her custody by the state is still popping out babies and God is ok with that. I've decided for now to continue going to church. I think that in the long term it will be the best for me. Right now, it is difficult. I am going to continue working with the children doing music. I know that if I didn't have that position at church, I wouldn't go at all right now. I figure I need to give God the opportunity to at least try to reach me, and what better place than church even if I'm just going through the motions. I've not had this kind of crisis of faith before. It's strange. When DH was diagnosed with azoospermia, I had faith that it would all work out and turned to God. When our 18 IUI's didn't work, I had faith that somehow everything would work out. When we took an extended break from IF, I had faith and turned to God. Through this whole IVF process, I've had faith and turned to God. In my despair, when I started to miscarry, I turned to God having faith that he would save our child. And yet, my child is dead and my faith is wavering and flickering like a candle about to go out.
I went to the grocery store for the first time in almost a month. It was very strange. I still am having a hard time being around crowds. This week at work was difficult as I had to take the girls out every morning (since there were 4 adults at home that had things to do at home) which meant a lot of children's venues. It's hard to be at those places with all of the pregnant bellies, babies and kids. I hope that at some point it will become easier to be around others. I have random anger at these women that are pregnant. For all I know they too have struggled and are so happy and grateful to be pregnant and I should be happy for them.... but I'm not. Not now.
DH has been so kind, patient and loving with me. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. My employers have been so wonderful as well. My family and friends have done all they can for me. And yet, I still struggle. Will it ever get easier?
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