Just not feeling it....

We took down all the Christmas stuff today. Normally we leave it up until Jan 1st, but it was hard enough having it up this long. It's hard for me to be happy and celebrate when I'm so sad.

I had to go into the RE for a blood draw today since I'm still having pain and bleeding. It's hard going there too. 4 weeks ago, we went in for a blood draw and found out I was pregnant. Now we're going in and hoping that the hCG is back to normal. It's not. My number is still in the pregnancy range. I have to go back again next Saturday to have another blood draw. My RE wants to follow me with blood draws until my number is back to 0.

I would have been 8w0d pregnant today. Today sucks. I'm having a hard time not snapping at DH. I have very little patience with myself and anyone today.

Dark Times

These lyrics from Miss Saigon popped into my head today during a very difficult and lonely nap time. The context in the musical has nothing to do with my current situation, but these particular words seemed apropos to me today.

There are days

There are days when your life clouds over

And the world gets so dark

That all at once you can't tell night from day.

There are times

When your heart cries- this isn't happening

But the truth is cold and real

And I know the storm

Won't go away

Naming and Dedication of A

The service for the naming of our goddaughter was beautiful. It was very moving and I wanted to share some of it. (Hopefully her parents won't mind)

Welcoming of the child:
You have come with stardust in your hair,
with the rush of planets in your blood.
your heart beating out the seasons of eternity,
with a shining in your eyes like the sunlight.

Your parents have brought you to celebrate the joy they have that you are part of their family, and to count themselves blessed, as they bring you into this community.

Relatives pledge: (what we pledged as her godparents)
You have a special relationship with A and you will always be special in her memory. Will you accept the privilege of showing her the virtues of love and justice through the relationships you share? Will you nurture and care for her, tell her stories and listen to her thoughts, to encourage her curiosity, comfort her in tribulation, and share your wisdom as well as your sense of humor with her?

Congregational Dedication:
They say it takes a whole village to raise a child, to encourage the parents, and to provide a safe and loving place for every child's spiritual and moral development. We want to create that place for you here in our congregation.

May your life take shape for goodness and for the healing of the earth.
May you learn to walk in beauty, truth and integrity.
We pledge to guide and support you as you grow and discover your gifts.

Little A, and K & J, we welcome you into our lives and hearts- as individuals and as our cherished family. May you find opportunities for inspiration, service and lasting friendships. Your presence among us brings us joy this blessed season.

So may it be.

****************************
It was nice to celebrate her beautiful life. Parts of the service (not related to the naming) were difficult as they were about hope, light and faith. I'm struggling with that right now. I had a hard time at the end (after the service) and left in tears. Our dear friends were wonderful about it, but I still feel awful that I couldn't keep it together. My loving DH drove us home as I cried. We talked about it and I think that I was most sad because as the service progressed, I was comparing it to my own faith's service for babies, the giving of a name and a blessing. I'm sad that we won't have that. I'm sad that my little one that I was able to love and nurture and mother for such a short time won't have a name and a blessing. I miss our baby. DH said that he too was having a hard time with it. Luckily, we have each other to cling to and our family and friends that love and support us no matter what.

Another event down

I made it through the party. I love our friends, and it was good to see them, but it was still hard. There were a couple of tough moments like when a friend mentioned that just recently, he realized how much he hates kids. (Why am I friends with this person?!?) In reality, the party was less painful than I thought it would be. I was dreading the fun, truth be told. I was pretty numb throughout, but I did have a few fun moments. (Which of course makes me feel guilty, because why should I be having fun when my baby isn't with me anymore...) My physical pain has intensified again. I'm assuming its all of the walking I did today while running errands with DH. I took it easy when we got home, but still had some pain during the party.

We have another event to go to this weekend. My goddaughter's christening. I think I'll be able to use the same strategy I used tonight to get through the party-- not thinking about what has happened to us and focusing on others. I love our friends (the parents of our goddaughter) and we adore and love our goddaughter as well. We are so happy to be a part of their lives and honored that they chose us to be in their lives as well. I'm proud to stand up for them tomorrow. It will be bitter-sweet. I'm choosing to focus on the happiness their family has found and not focus on our sadness.

Hanging on...

We decided for various reasons to go ahead with our annual Christmas party. It's tonight in about 20 minutes. It's smaller than last year, which is good. However, only one couple attending knows about our situation. I'm hoping I can put on a smile for a few hours and get through it. Wish me luck.

Back to Work

I went back to work today. It was a good choice. It was good to see the little girls and spend time with them. The oldest is just getting over a cold and the little one was super sick, but very loving and happy to see me. Apparently, she threw a MASSIVE tantrum yesterday AM when the temp arrived and demanded that I show up. It's nice to know I'm wanted. I spent the morning doing Christmas crafts with the girls: coloring, shrinky dink necklaces and magic color change ornaments. Their mom then took the oldest with her to drop off the gifts for the family they adopted. They brought lunch back with them and then I put the kids down to sleep. I was able to talk with my boss after the kids were down for nap. It was nice to know how sorry they are for us and to know how much they love us.

The other good thing today was that I was able to see a psychologist. I had scheduled an appointment with her for tomorrow but found out that wouldn't work with my work scheduled. I called today to reschedule, and she told me she had a cancellation. I was able to go in and talk with her. It was good to have someone who is familiar with miscarriages/infertility/loss (her specialty- she was actually a midwife before going back to school for this) to talk with and sort through what I am feeling. I go back to see her in January (she's closed for the holidays) and I'm bringing DH with me.

DH was home when I got home and had picked up the mail. We had two nice cards: one from my acupuncturist one from our friends. My parents also left us a clean house (always nice) a note and a fruit basket. It was good to talk to the psychologist too about my reluctance to accept help from my family and friends. She was able to help me see that I'm not ruining the holidays for everyone and that it's ok to accept help from my family and friends right now.

D & C

Just blogging to try and process the whole D & C process.

Friday:
On Friday we were told the heart had stopped beating. The RE then called the hospital to schedule my surgery. The hospital called and left a message on my cell while I was at the RE to pre-register for surgery. On the way home from the RE that day, I called and spoke with a woman who pre-registered me. She told me to go to the registration desk at 3:15 on Saturday to register as they close at 3:30.

Saturday:
We arrive at the hospital/blue desk/registration at 3. There is a sign it is closed and to go to coral registration. We find coral registration; it has a sign that says to use blue. We go back to blue, find another sign that says to check-in at the in-patient surgery desk. We find this desk, no one is there. We then go find an information desk. The two boys working there have no idea where to send us and attempt to call their supervisor who they can't find. At this point it is 3:30. We find another info desk (unmanned) and DH calls the operator on the phone. They inform him to go to emergency and we can register there.

We walk to the complete other side of the hospital campus to the emergency room and sit in the "non-flu symptom" section. We then are told to go to a restricted door, and someone will open it to get us to register. This woman lets us in, and we sit down to register. She's all giggle and smiles. She keeps making mistakes and saying "oopsies." She can't find our paperwork. She finally gets me checked in and sends us up to the room I'm assigned. Although I am outpatient, on the weekends you are assigned a room for some reason.

We make it up to the floor my room is on and are shown to the room. The nurse then instructs me to change into a gown. I ask if I should leave my panties on as I'm still bleeding. She looks clueless. This is when it hits me that they have NO IDEA why I am here. She tells me that it would be ok. I am about to lose it at this point. I change and sit on the bed. Numb. DH is having a hard time as the last time he was in a hospital room was when his mom died 4 years ago. A nurse comes in to start my IV. She doesn't ask which arm/hand is better, just starts working on the left which is not a good one. I tell her that. She says, "I'm sure it'll be fine." It's not fine. She punctures the vein and it REALLY hurts. I tell her to leave it; I don't want her to do it again. She tells me that she can't leave it as she has ruined that vein. She takes it out and leaves and I start bawling. As this nurse is leaving, I say something about "why can't we have a nurse that isn't incompetent." (DH believes this comment is why we were held up on check-out later in the day) A different nurse comes in to tell me they are taking me to surgery and to take off my panties/pad. I ask her if I should just bleed on the bed, or is there a pad or something? She says, "I don't know, they just told me to tell you to get ready for surgery."

I change and sit on the bed. An orderly comes and I get on the gurney and I'm wheeled (DH accompanies me) to surgery. We then meet Suzanne, a godsend of a nurse. She is calm, patient, understanding, caring and KNOWS WHY WE ARE THERE! She asks if I have "party panties" (The hospitals disposable panties) or a pad on. I tell her no and explain the awfulness upstairs. She calms us down and explains everything. The anesthesiologist comes in and is amazing too. They both have been touched by d & c and loss before and are reassuring and kind. He is unable to get an IV started in my right hand but does get one started in my right forearm. He is super apologetic and nice the whole time.

Dr. K shows up and again expresses her compassion for us. I then gave DH a kiss, started crying and was wheeled to surgery. I remember moving over to the surgery table and that is it. I woke up in recovery. Suzanne was there. Dr. K came in to check on me and then filled DH in as I was out of it.

Dr. K told DH it was good I had the D & C. There were so much blood and clots that she estimated it could have taken 2-3 weeks to completely miscarry naturally, and it would have been painful the whole time (like it was Thur/Fri/Sat.) She said that the baby had already started to deteriorate, but that she had collected the tissue for genetic testing, and we would have the results in a month.

In recovery I cramped quite badly, as they had given me pitocin to have my uterus cramp and stop bleeding. While in recovery I asked my surgery nurse if I had to go back to that room/awful nurses. She called someone and took care of it. I went up to my old room, and we got my stuff and then I was taken to a new room with a fabulous, caring nurse and nurse aide. We had to wait around about 2 hours to be discharged as there was only 1 discharge nurse working on 2 floors.

I came home and took it easy the rest of that night and on Sunday.

I have times that I don't remember that I miscarried and for that brief moment I'm blissfully happy, like I was. Then reality, the nightmare, hits. It hurts so much. I have been given a list of therapists that specialize in miscarriage/grief/loss counseling and I'm trying to get in with one of them. My head is swimming. It's hard to process this loss with my parents visiting. I'm glad they are here, but I think it would be easier if they weren't. They leave tomorrow and I go back to work tomorrow. I hope that will help.

I woke up from my nap yesterday crying. It's just so hard, unfair and crappy. I miss my little baby. I feel empty. I am so grateful for my DH right now. He's been great, but I know he is hurting too.

We have so many holiday events we are hosting/attending this week. I feel like I should just carry on with them. I don't want to have to explain to people that don't know about this pg or miscarriage why they are cancelled. At the same time, I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for months.

Sad News

Thank you for your support and prayers. We saw the Dr a few hours ago and he performed an ultrasound that revealed our baby's heart has stopped beating and I am miscarrying. Due to my pain level and blood loss, they have scheduled me for a D & C at the earliest time they could, tomorrow at 5.
I have no words for now... just sadness at the loss of our baby.

Update

Still bleeding heavily and cramping. I had to take some Tylenol with codeine that I had left over from ER just to fall asleep last night because of the pain. I'm going to call and talk to the RE's office today to see if I can come in sooner to figure all of this out. In my heart I feel like the baby is gone and I need to know for sure so I can start grieving.

hCG Results

13,575.4 *sigh* The nurse called and said that we are still in a wait and see mode. They are using this hCG as a new baseline to compare with our next ultrasound and b/w in a few days. I don't know what to think. According to the b/w I'm pregnant. According to the u/s I'm not- abnormal gestational sac- no pregnancy, right?

I'm still bleeding and cramping. The bleeding has slowed down to only 1 pad every 1 1/2 to 2 hours versus every 1/2 hour. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. This limbo business is no fun...

In Limbo

I am at home resting. This AM I went to work and all was fine. I ran to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. I called the RE and they said for me to come in. I had to call the mom I work for and luckily, she came home quickly. DH came home and we went to the RE.

The whole way there I could feel myself cramping and bleeding more. The u/s revealed a large clot. There was something that could be a fetus but the RE said she could see something that could be a heartbeat. She measured it at 113 hb per minute. That is normal for this age. She said that the gestational sack didn't look "normal."
They did a blood draw to check hcg levels and sent me home.

I'm so scared that this is a miscarriage. I don't know how a fetus could survive this amount of blood and cramping. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm trying to stay hopeful but also prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

Scared

I'm trying to be strong, but I've had some bright red spotting the last two days (accompanied with cramps, of course.) I spoke with the RE's nurse, and she assured me it was ok and that there wasn't any point of me coming in this early as they couldn't tell either way this early. ARGH! I hope it stops. She suggested I take it very easy. Easier said than done when working with 2 active girls under the age of 5, but I'm going to try.

I called my midwife's office today and set up a tentative appointment at 8 weeks. I'm hoping we will be transferred from the RE at that point.

Work is going well, just exhausting. As stated above I'm trying to take it easy, but it's difficult to do at all times.

My folks are coming to town at the end of the week, so I'm excited about that. I'm bummed that we won't be able to do much sight-seeing/walking as I'm taking it really easy. But it will be great to spend time with them.

Back At Work

Yesterday I returned to work. It's good to be back. I've been taking it easy and enjoying my time with the kiddos. I was there all of 30 minutes when the oldest had to tell me all the "wrong" things the other two temp nannies did. :) Adorable. The little one kept patting my arm and kissing me. I think she was trying to make sure I was real. :)

After work (it was a short day) I took it easy. DH and I went to the bookstore as I wanted to look for a pregnancy journal. I found a cute one called the "Belly Book" which is nice, but not exactly what I wanted. I got it anyway, as it has a great week to week place to put belly pictures. The ones I saw were more about the medical aspect and I'm interested more in DH and I having a place to write down our feelings about the pregnancy/baby/becoming parents as well as put pictures and some medical stuff.

Work today was my first long day back. It went well. The biggest issue I'm having is that I am exhausted. I fell asleep with the oldest one this AM when she woke up early and I was putting her back to bed. I woke up when the little one did, so no harm done. AND my employers have specifically told me to nap and rest as needed. (They are the best!) At nap time I slept again for about 15-20 minutes, which was nice.

The other issue I'm having is with my pants. With 3 IVFs under my belt, my pants are not fitting. I lost a bunch of weight over the past 2 years and have gotten rid of all my bigger pants. I'm regretting that. I have two pairs of cords that fit ok, and then one pair of my bigger pants that I saved, and they are way too big on me. The only thing that is comfortable and fits is a pair of sweatpants, but I feel like a slob wearing that to work. I don't know what to do. I am still very bloated from the IVF (I don't think it's the pregnancy that is making stuff not fit- not this early anyway) and don't really want to get maternity stuff just yet. Any ideas?

The reality of our miracle is slowly settling in. It's still very difficult for me to accept congratulations from anyone about the pregnancy. I am starting to calm down a bit. The nightmares have stopped (I was having horrible dreams about miscarrying all weekend) and I don't have a panic attack every time I have to use the bathroom worrying about if there will be blood. I have good moments and bad. I'm hoping that once we see the little on the ultrasound, I'll feel a bit better. I'm so grateful that we've made it this far. The Lord has truly blessed my little family.

2nd BETA

I had the 2nd BETA done today and the number is: 755.6! I'm super excited and starting to feel like this might actually be happening. Here is a fun chart I've seen on other blogs that shows the hCG levels in early pregnancy for a singleton with my two tests on it in red:



As you can see it appears we have a nice strong, snuggled in baby. I can't wait for our ultrasound to see how the little one is doing.

I head back to work tomorrow and I'm excited to be back and have someone else to focus on instead of myself. It will be good to be back with the girls. As this is my last restful day, I'm taking it very easy.

BETA Results

We had the hCG BETA done today. Sarah 2 called around 11 AM (much earlier than in the past) so I was a bit nervous. My BETA number is 166.7! She said that at this point they want to see at least a 50, so I'm pregnant! I can't believe it!! Of course, I had to check the number out on the web, and it seems that I'm in the normal range. The 2nd BETA is scheduled for Tuesday AM. I hope we see a nice doubling.

I took the CB digi I was saving until after the results and it came up with "pregnant" right away.





We waited to call my folks until nighttime as we thought my dad would be home from work. He wasn't so I told my mom and we called later to tell my dad. I called the friends that know about the IVF and reached 1 of them. The other two will hopefully call me back tomorrow so I can tell them the good news. I also called my sister that wasn't at home when I spoke with the folks.

I'm heading back to church tomorrow and planning to take it easy. I am so grateful to the Lord for this precious miracle that I am carrying. I hope that our little one continues to grow and develop normally and that I can start relaxing and enjoy this once in a lifetime experience.

This has been a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend and a great way to kick of the holiday season!

More Pics

This is the darkest +++ HPT so far. It's from last night 9dp 3dt (9 days past the 3-day transfer).






This is the test from this AM, which is 10dp 3dt. In real life it's about the same darkness, maybe a bit lighter.




DH and I are remaining cautiously optimistic that Luke and Leia are still around. The BETA can't come soon enough. I've had VERY light spotting today. Just twice. I'm hoping that is normal. When I called about the cramps last weekend the nurse said I may spot as well, but it is still a bit upsetting. We both need this blood test to confirm that we are indeed PG. We'll then fill in all of the family and friends. I'm still in shock that this may have actually worked. My prayers have been non-stop and have been a combination of thanks to the Lord for this possible pregnancy and the other half of the time begging the Lord to let these little ones stick around, grow and develop normally.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm still cramping on and off and having crazy hot flashes. I did another FRER this AM and within 30 seconds this came up:





The line is very faint and easier to see in person. (DH also messed with this in photo shop to increase the contrast.) But I believe it is a line. All the other FRER's I've taken since Sunday have been COMPLETELY white- no line at all. I'm hoping it's the real deal. I saw it and instantly started crying and thanking the Lord for this miracle.

I've sent DH to the store to get more FRER. I only have 1 left and 1 CB digi that I wanted to save for the day of the BETA. I believe it is appropriate that my first ever BFP was done on Thanksgiving. I am so thankful that I live in a place and time where IVF is available to us to help us create our family. I am so thankful for all of the family and friends that have been praying and supporting us through our many infertility trials. I pray that this little one is sticky and still there on the day of the BETA. I pray that my cramps don't dislodge the little one somehow and that I can relax once we get the BETA and enjoy this miraculous pregnancy.

Cramps, Cramps, Cramps

I'm freaking out. I've had cramps now for 2 days. They started yesterday AM and feel EXACTLY like my regular pre-AF cramps. AND they are starting at exactly the same time that my regular pre-AF cramps start. I decided to call the RE today and finally got through to the nurse. It was a new nurse, and she didn't know if it was normal or not so she told me she would ask Dr. K and get back to me. I am concerned that my progesterone level is not high enough and so AF is able to arrive. The nurse called back and told me that Dr. K said it was normal. I feel like they aren't taking me seriously. Anyway, I asked if I should call once I start bleeding since in my mind AF is on her way. She said that yes, I should call if I do, but that spotting is normal.

I'm heartbroken. I feel like this is the beginning of the end. I'm trying to believe them, but these cramps are JUST like the ones I normally get. I have a feeling that AF will show by Tuesday or Wednesday.

I've tested out the trigger and had two negative HPT now. I plan on testing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday if AF hasn't shown. I pray that this isn't it for us.

Embryology Report

One of my favorite nurses, Sarah 1, called a few minutes ago to update me on the status of our embryos that were still growing in the lab. Unfortunately, none of them made it to the blastocyst stage and there aren't any to freeze. It makes me sad. I was hoping that the two that were doing so well on Tuesday would make it, but they didn't. I feel stressed a bit now that L & L are our only hope now. I wish this whole process was less stressful somehow...

Little L & L

I'm taking it super easy right now. I've been mostly on the couches for the past two days. I had a hard time sleeping the first night after the ET as I was afraid every time I rolled onto my belly that I would smash the embryos. I'm still a bit hesitant that if I move wrong, I will jeopardize implantation, but I think I'm a bit less neurotic today.

DH and I discussed a bunch of different names for the embryos. These are names we can call them until we find out if we are having 1 or 2 and then beyond that if it/they are boy(s)/girl(s). We finally settled on Luke and Leia ala Star Wars. Yes, I am a complete geek like that. :) I'll upload photos of them at 3-day old embryos once I'm back on the office computer and not the laptop.

Yesterday my best friend K came by with baby A to keep me company. It was a lot of fun to talk with her and see the little one. Her visit really cheered me and helped me keep busy so that I was not going crazy.

I'm trying to avoid googling and looking up everything having to do with IVF and this 2ww period. It's really, really hard not to obsess. I've been keeping busy with crafts. I finished the binding on the faith baby quilt and it's adorable! I'm planning on working on our doggo's Christmas stocking tomorrow and hopefully visiting with some other girlfriends tomorrow.

I constantly talk to Luke and Leia and ask them to snuggle in for the long ride. I hope they are feeling very welcome and getting cozy in there.

PUPO!

I'm officially knocked up until proven otherwise.

We arrived at our appointed time for acupuncture, but it turns out that the acupuncture place (not where I normally go, but they work with our clinic all the time) booked the wrong day. My fabulous nurse Sarah 2 called the acupuncturist and got her to hurry over, and they pushed our ET back an hour. Luckily, we were the only ET today, so Dr. Opie had time for us later.

The acu was relaxing, especially after stressing about possibly not being able to do acu. Dr. Opie then came in and handed me a picture of our two perfect embryos. Our clinic does a 5-point rating scale with 5 being the best and our two were both 4s. We have yet to come up with names, but I'll post their picture and names later. He suggested we transfer 2 as I am now technically moved from the "good" prognosis category to the next lower category due to my previous cancellations and poor ovarian response. This means the statistics for the clinic drop a bit in that category. We are hoping to beat the 41% rate he showed us. We still have our other 5 embryos growing too. 3 of them aren't doing that great and they don't expect them to make it to freeze on Friday. The other 2 have every chance at this point of making it to freeze.

I then guzzled some more water and DH, and I suited up for the transfer. We got into the transfer room and got positioned. The embryologist brought up a picture of our embryos on the screen and had us verify all of our info. Dr. Opie came in and did his pre-ET stuff, and we were good to go. The catheter went in easily and the embryos went in easily too. I then moved over to the rolling bed and was sent back to the recuperation room. The acupuncturist came back for the post ET session. By this point I really had to pee! But I stayed relaxed and after she was done, we were discharged and I hit the bathroom.

DH drove me home and I'm now resting on the couch as he runs errands and grabs us some food. It still surreal to me that I have babies inside me right now. I'm praying that this all goes well and thanking the Lord that I live in a time where I have access to IVF at all.

ET Today!

I slept pretty well last night considering the importance of today and the fact that with all the liquids I've been drinking to ward off OHSS I'm up every 45 minutes to use the bathroom. It's been an exciting and nerve-wracking morning. We have NOT heard from the embryologist which means that the ET is a "go" for today! We are planning on leaving in the next half hour. When I return home, I will officially be PUPO!!!

PIO

The progesterone in oil shots are going well. DH is a pro at doing them. I've had a little bit of pain, but not the stuff that others have mentioned. Sarah 2 gave us a couple of tips that have helped the whole process.

Today I felt much better in the morning. I spent the time catching up with chores: laundry, paying bills, tidying up. I then crashed and felt awful plus started cramping and spotting. I took it easy the rest of the day. I scheduled acupuncture for before and after transfer tomorrow.

It was a strange day. The reality that we have 7 babies right now hasn't hit yet. It is hard to think of them growing outside of me. I want them back in me where they can hopefully grow and live for the next 40 weeks. I'm hoping all goes well tomorrow.

Egg Retrieval & Fert Report

I didn't post yesterday as I was still woozy and sore from the ER. It was a quick process. My favorite nurse, Sarah 2 was there and Dr. K performed the ER. They retrieved 13 eggs! DH took me home and took good care of me the rest of the day.

Today I'm feeling sore, but not as bad. I'm trying not to take the prescribed pain pills and just tough it out. The RE called and of the 13 eggs 10 were mature. The donor sperm upon being thawed didn't have the motility they wanted so they ended up doing ICSI with it. Of the 10 eggs that were ICSI'd we have 7 embryos growing! I'm in shock. I can't believe we have made it this far. I'm so relieved that it's going well. We are tentatively scheduled for a 3dt on Tuesday at noon. The embryologist won't check on our babies again until Tuesday morning. They will then decide if we move forward with the 3dt or push out to a 5dt. I think with 7 embryos we will most likely have a 3dt. I feel so blessed that we've been given the opportunity to undergo IVF and that we've had such a good result this time around. The Lord is certainly blessing us immensely.

1st HPT

I took a HPT this AM to make sure that the hCG was in my system. To my amazement it came up ++ right away. This is a great sign. It means the hCG is in my system and allowing my eggs to release from the follicles in preparation for the ER tomorrow AM. Here is a picture of what I hope will be the 1st of many ++ HPT:



I had a hard time sleeping last night. I finally fell asleep around 11:30. I then woke up at 3 and was wide awake. I stayed in bed until 4 and then got up. I watched my girl shows and then went back to bed at 6:30 only to have the alarm wake me at 8.

My appointment this AM was a blood draw. This is normally a quick appointment. I got to the office and gave the front desk gal (new girl) my name. She said "you're all checked in." I sat in the almost deserted room and waited to be called. 25 minutes later I STILL hadn't been called back for my blood draw. I checked in with new girl again. She tells me, "We've had an emergency here this morning and it has pushed everything back." I tell her, "I'm just here for a blood draw, was the phlebotomist involved in the emergency?" She says, "yes and thank you for your patience." My FAVORITE nurse Sarah 1 walks by and sees me through the receptionist area. She yells to me (as she is back by the exam rooms) "Emily, haven't you been here a long time? I thought your appointment was for 9?" I stand up and walk over and tell her that I have been there since 9. She says "that's ridiculous. Give me 2 minutes and I'll fix this." Less than a minute later the phlebotomist comes to get me. She tells me that I wasn't checked into the system, so she didn't' even know I was there. She tells me that Sarah stepped in to grab her and that if I ever wait more than 5 minutes for a blood draw to just come back there and find her. The blood draw was quick. (I checked with the phlebotomist- she was NOT involved in the emergency as I figured.)

I headed home and hit the store on the way to pick up some of my favorite foods/drinks for the weekend recovery. I'm feeling VERY bloated, sore and a bit nauseous. I'm trying to take it easy today but there are so many craft projects I want to work on that it's hard to just lay around.

Ouchie! MDL Day 13- Stim Day 11- Trigger Day

I just did the hCG trigger. It hurt! But it means I am one step closer to the goal of creating our family!

My appointment went well today. The blood draw was so-so; she had to dig around for a vein. The ultrasound revealed the same 13 follicles, only bigger. Dr K told me we would probably trigger today.

I headed home and worked on the faith quilt a bit and then went out to lunch and fabric shopping with my friend C. It was fun. She's been such a great support to me this week. She has really helped me keep busy through all of this. On the way back home Sarah 1 called. I told her I was driving and she said she would call back at the house in 15 minutes. 1hour later, I called her. She told me she realized that she didn't have the full instructions for me and that she was waiting for the Dr.'s to come out of their meeting. She then called me back around 4. She told me how to do the trigger tonight and that I needed to do one more dose of gonal-f, but no more MDL.

I go in tomorrow for blood work. My ER is scheduled for 9:30 AM on Saturday. I can't believe we've made it this far! I'm so excited!

MDL Day 12- Stim Day 10

I'm sick today. I have a full-blown cold. I took it easy all day, drank lots of fluids and rested. I'm hoping by tomorrow morning I'll be feeling much better.

I'm also hoping that tomorrow will be the last stim monitoring appointment.

MDL Day 11 1/2 - Stim Day 9

Well, I didn't do my MDL this morning (which is why I'm on day 11 1/2) as per my nurse's instructions to me on Sunday. After the blood work came back today it looks like I am stimming for a couple of more days, so I need to be back on MDL to prevent ovulating on my own.

Now... the ultrasound. I have almost doubled the number of measurable follicles! I can't believe it. There are 9 on the right and 4 on the left. That means I went from 7 follicles on Sunday to 13 today! That's great! My estrodial is rising and all looks good... but the follicles are still small. I'm to stim for 2 more days and go back on Thursday and then hopefully that is it.

I spent the day sewing with my girlfriend C again. She finished up her apron, and I worked on the faith quilt some more. I love, love, love my new sewing machine. It does free-motion quilting very easily. I ended up doing a combo of stitch in the ditch and free-motion quilting on the faith quilt. I think it looks great. I started applying the hippo applique and have now decided to call it quits for the night as my back/neck area is super stiff & sore.

DH is out for the night with friends from his old place of employment. This means I get to relax and watch a girlie movie. Awesome!

MDL Day 10 - Stim Day 8

Last day of MDL!! Starting tomorrow I only have gonal-f to take. Today was a relaxing day. I spent the morning cutting out pieces for a new Christmas quilt. I then headed over to acupuncture. We did an intensive follicle stimulating and ovary stimulating treatment. She also worked on my shoulders and upper back as I was carrying a lot of stress there.

I then came home and spent the afternoon sewing/hanging out with my friend C. It was a blast! That is, until my sewing machine broke. :( My sewing machine was a present from my parents when we were married. I've had it for 13 years. We (DH, C & I - with the help from my mom on the phone) tried to fix it. It was unfix-able by us. I called a repair shop and planned to take it in. We then started discussing at what point it would be better to buy a new machine. I decided to look at Costco online and I found a great machine that does more than my current one for not too much $$. After my friend left DH and I headed to Costco and picked up the new machine. We ate a quick dinner out and came home. I've been playing around with it since.

I'm a bit nervous for tomorrow's appointment. I'm hoping all looks well and tomorrow will be the last day of stimming. If that is the case, then we would most likely trigger on Wednesday with a Friday retrieval and if all goes well a Monday 3dt.

MDL Day 9 - Stim Day 7

We (DH & I) woke up SUPER early for our appointment today. It was for 7:30. Luckily, they weren't running behind yet as we were one of the 1st appointments.

The blood draw was a piece of cake, but then again-- it was a different gal who has NEVER had a problem getting blood from my veins.

The ultrasound was quick. Right before heading into the room (they have you disrobe in one room and go through a connecting door to the ultrasound room) DH took a picture of me and Mortimer. Here it is:

It was Dr. K and a new nurse working the ultrasound room. She quickly found 5 follicles on the right side. The left side had 2 that were measurable. My lining is where it should be now... 10.2. She said that I had to stim some more as none of them are big enough yet. She pulled up my stats from last cycle at this point and it's pretty similar. She wants me to come back on Tuesday AM for more blood work and an ultrasound.

So.... the MDL protocol has not yielded better results thus far. Crap. But I have a few more days of stimming and hopefully that produces better results. My estrodial was 537, which the nurse assured me (via voicemail... what is the deal with them not consistently calling the same phone!?!) that everything looks good. I'm on the same drug protocol until Tuesday AM and then that morning I drop the MDL.

I spent the day finishing my apron project. I also pinned my faith quilt top to the batting. I'm hoping to quilt it together tomorrow. Here is a picture of it so far:

It's a bit busier than I thought it would be, but I still love all of the fabrics, so I'm going to go with this. I'm going to try stippling it together (a technique to sew the quilt top, batting, backing together) versus how I usually sew it together-- stitching in the ditch. We'll see if it works out. I also need to add the hippo applique (do you see a theme?) and then the binding. I plan on sewing the binding to the back of the quilt by hand while on bed rest.

I also spent the morning with DH playing Beatles rock band on the Xbox. It was fun hanging out with him. Plus, he got lots of boy Xbox time while I was sewing today which made him happy.

I'm excited that tomorrow I have an acu appointment and get to spend the afternoon with one of my best friends crafting and sewing.

MDL Day 8- Stim Day 6

AM Meds:

Antibiotic

Baby Aspirin

450 units Gonal-f

10 units MDL

PM Meds:

Antibiotic

150 units Gonal-f

10 units MDL

Today was a good day. Side effects were minimal. The bloating has gotten worse, but I'm taking that as a good sign that maybe my follicles are getting bigger. I spent the day relaxing. I finished piecing the quilt top to my faith quilt. I started a new sewing project, an adorable apron. I got a pedicure. Super, super relaxing. I then got my hair cut. It was nice to take some time for myself. DH and I then went out to dinner and did some window shopping at the mall. All in all, a good day.

Here is a pic of my matching bruises on my arms. These are from the blood draws when the phlebotomist couldn't find a vein. Hopefully tomorrow morning will be better.

Late Update

This is a recap of yesterday. I forgot to post it. Oops!

I had a blood draw and ultrasound done yesterday. My estrodial was at 307 (tracking a bit higher than last time around) and I have 9 follicles on the right and 7 on the left with 2 that are measurable at this point on the right ovary. My lining is almost where they want it... it's at 7.9 and it should be between 8 and 12. Sarah 1 was there and so was Dr. Opie. They both reassured me that it all looks great and where it should be for this point in the cycle. Sarah 1 called me with medication instructions later and I did my last dose of menopur last night and moving forward I do the same in the AM: MDL 10 units and gonal-f 450 units and then at night MDL 10 units and gonal-f 150 units. I go back tomorrow (Sunday) for another ultrasound and blood draw.

I have a little mascot that is now accompanying me to appointments. His name is Mortimer and he is adorable. Here he is:

He is a little blue hippo from pottery barn kids. I ended up getting two. One I ordered online, and thought would be here on time, but it didn't show it had shipped so I went into the store and got one. That day when I got home the other Mortimer was on my front porch. Oh well. Now I have two. :)

MDL Day 6- Stim Day 4

Same Dosages.

Side effects seem to be intensifying:
*Dizziness
*Tiredness
*Abdominal bloating
*Forgetfulness
*Ovary "twinges"

The first ultrasound to check out the follicle stimming is tomorrow AM. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all looks well.

MDL Day 5 - Stim Day 3

AM & PM meds the same as yesterday.

I had the blood draw this AM. It left a nasty bruise to add to my collection of bruises from this cycle. Sarah 1 called with the results. Estrodial is 137. They seem happy with that. I'm back for ultrasound and blood work on Friday AM. Until then the meds stay the same.

I went to acu this afternoon. It was nice and relaxing. My liver qi was again wacky, so she focused on that. I'm feeling even keeled right now. I'm still suffering with the dizziness and tiredness, but that's all thank goodness.

MDL Day 4 - Stim Day 2

AM:
Lupron 20 units
Gonal-F 450 units
Antibiotic
Baby Aspirin

PM:
Lupron 20 units
Menopur 150 units
Antibiotic

I'm feeling about the same as yesterday. I'm very tired and dizzy all of the time. I'm hoping that all is going well in there. I have a blood draw tomorrow AM to check estrodial.

MDL day 3- Stim day 1

Micro-dose lupron is going so-so. It is now day 3. Last night after my shot I was very dizzy. The room was spinning. I did a quick check on WebMD, and it appears to be a side effect of lupron. I didn't have it last go round, but it's here now. I was again dizzy this AM after the shot and just did the lupron shot 1/2 hour ago and am again dizzy. With the micro-dose I am doing 10 units in the AM and 10 units in the PM until ER.

Stims. I am on gonal-f this time to try to avoid the allergic reaction. Dr. Opie is starting me out at the max dosage of 450 units. I am doing the gonal-f in the AM. I am back on menopur and doing that at night 150 units. So far, no side-effects from either of these. I've got my first blood draw to check my estrodial on Wednesday. If it looks ok, then I go back on Friday for more blood work and an ultrasound. If the number is high, I'll be in on Thursday for an ultrasound and blood work. Sarah 2 warned me that many MDL patients stim much faster so I may be in daily for monitoring.

I am in awe that this is happening. I am very emotional (oh another side effect I'm sure) and so grateful that I've been given the opportunity to pursue IVF. I'm feeling optimistic as this cycle has progressed as planned thus far. I am trying to take it 1 day at a time and focus on what needs to be done on that day and not look too far ahead.

I've got substitutes figured out for the next two Sundays. While I will miss being at church, I am glad that it is for a good reason... getting my family started.

Peace

I feel so at peace today with our decision to cancel last cycle. Today was the suppression check. It was with my two favorite nurses (Sarah 1 & 2) and Dr. Opie. The blood tech was new and found my vein with no problems. The ultrasound started and my uterus looks good. He then checked the right ovary 8-9 follicles. He checked the left... 8-9 follicles. WHAT?!?! I asked him to double check. He did. My left ovary has more follicles (double actually) from last ultrasound a mere 10 days ago. I am so happy!

I got a call from my nurse in the afternoon and my estrodial was perfect so we will move forward with this cycle. I start my micro-dose lupron on Saturday along with an antibiotic for some strep-b that they found. I then start the heavy-duty stimulation medications on the 2nd of November.

I feel blessed, happy, grateful to my heavenly father and to all of my family and friends praying for us.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. I'm 32. It's been a bitter-sweet day. I feel blessed to have a wonderful DH, home, family and life. But it's also hard not to compare my reality with where I thought I would be at 32. I married young. As such, I assumed I would be done having my children (we never decided back then on the 2 he wanted or the 4 I wanted) by 30, not still ttc #1 at 32.

However, I'm trying to be more positive than negative today and tomorrow is my suppression ultrasound and blood work. Once that is done and a-ok then I get a 3-day furlough with no medications. AND I'll be off of the horrible OCP, and the constant nausea should disappear. Starting Halloween, I will begin the twice a day injections of a micro-dose of Lupron. The follicle stimulation meds, Gonal-f and Menopur this go-a-round, will be added to the micro-dose Lupron starting the 2nd.

This year will be the best one yet...

Side Effects

Boo. :( My yucky side effects from the stupid birth control pills are back with a vengeance. They showed up approximately 4 hours after the 1st pill was popped. I've now popped 4 pills, and the side effects have intensified. Main side effects: hot flashes, food/smell aversions and constant low-level unease/nausea. I'm trying to pretend that this is a prep for morning sickness. Hopefully, it is a "practice run" and I'll truly be sick with morning sickness in a few short weeks. In the meantime, I've been trying to avoid smells/foods that make me ill. I also picked up some ginger to help settle my stomach. Only 7 more pills to go.

IVF 1.5

I had my CD 3 ultrasound and blood work today. Uterus looks good. Right ovary had 8 potential follicles and left had 4. There weren't any cysts. All of the blood work came back at the right levels too. Tonight I start my oral meds. The next appointment is the 27th.

DH came with me to the appointment and then we went out to breakfast to celebrate. We also got some "good luck" socks for me to wear to the ET. They are really cute knee-high black socks with little gnomes all over them.

It begins

AF showed today. I called the RE and the receptionist couldn't make my appointment for a u/s and b/w because I "wasn't on the books for IVF." I left a message for the nurses. A nurse I hadn't spoken with before, Danielle, called back. She helpfully scheduled my appointment for Saturday morning instead of Friday (since I am accompanying the preschool for a pumpkin field trip tomorrow.) I'm hoping that everything will look great and there won't be any cysts. If it's all good, then I'll start the BCP's.

New Worries

I'm a worrier. Anyone that knows me in real life, knows this about me. I plan and I worry. With this "rest" cycle I've done anything but rest. I've been worrying. About everything and anything that can go wrong with our upcoming IVF cycle.

My new current fear is regarding the baseline u/s this upcoming week. I'm worried that at it there will be a LOT of cysts left over from all the stim meds I had in the last cycle. I'm worried that this will cause this cycle to be postponed another month and I'll have to be on BCP to shrink the cysts and will then be over-supressed again. I'm worried that if we have to postpone, we will run into possible weather-related closures of the clinic. They are open every day except Christmas, but last year during our huge snowstorm (Seattle doesn't get snow) the city shut down and the clinic with it. I never asked what the policy would be regarding snow closures as we thought we were doing a summer IVF.

I'm trying to use positive visualization instead of focusing on the negative in the hope that the positive vibes will affect the outcome. Only time will tell and hopefully I'll have some good news to post later in the week when I get the "all clear" from the RE and start this IVF cycle.

How I feel as illustrated by Dr. Seuss

Today as I was reading "Oh the Places You'll Go" to the little one I realized that a lot of what I was reading is how I'm feeling right now. I've always loved this book and identified with it, but today it really hit home. (And left me a bit weepy which is always hard to explain to a 2 1/2-year-old) Here are some of the bits that stuck with me:

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, its true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A Place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?: Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place... (also known as a "break" cycle!!!)

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No (or a BFP or BFN)
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

Bu on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
through the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right food with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

Trying to shake the despondancy

I'm having a hard time relating to real life. I feel like I'm in a dream most days. DH is great, very loving and taking over household stuff I don't feel like doing. Work has been an uphill battle with the little one asserting her 2-year-old-ness. Church has been hard to connect at too. I'm having difficulty feeling close to God. I'm feeling a bit abandoned. My church work has been blah. The upcoming children's program will undoubtedly be a mess, but I really don't care at this point.

The medicine for the next cycle arrived yesterday. It's sitting in the fridge just waiting for me to use it.

I saw 2 of my best friends this weekend. One was celebrating her birthday, and it was good to see her and the other came over to our place for dinner. She brought her lovely wife and my adorable niece with her. Holding baby A, it hit me really hard. It was adorable watching DH with her. He was so loving, caring and patient. She is a wonderful baby and I'm so happy for my friends. I just hope we'll have one of our own in the next year for her to play with.

I was able to watch my girlfriend get married via web this weekend as well. She called on Sunday and it was good to hear from her and know that she is happily married.

I haven't done much of anything exercise wise. I've been eating healthy and worked out twice. I'm planning on doing some yoga today. My acupuncturist recommended that I do 20-30 minutes of deep breathing/meditation. She thinks that it will help me get out of this funk and be more beneficial weight-loss wise than just exercising. I hope so. I can't imagine putting on 15-20 more lbs. with the next cycle.

Trying to come up for air...

AF showed last Friday. Early. This is good I suppose. With it here the bloating has gone down a bit, and my pain is almost gone. I called the RE on Monday to find out my new protocol.

The nurse I don't like, Melinda, called back to tell me she would email me my new protocol. It appears I'm going to be on the MicroDose Lupron Flare protocol. She called later on Monday to make sure I received the email and to tell me she would call Tuesday (today) with a prescription list. She then called the house phone (DH was working from home) and told him that she would email me the list. I'm not sure why she couldn't call the phone number I've listed as my DAYTIME number (cell) but whatever. I got home and checked my email. No prescription list. I emailed her to request she call me tomorrow. Very irritated with her. GRRR!

It appears that this cycle will not have the ET or ER at the end of October as I had been worried about. I'm hoping that the ET and ER will fall during my employers scheduled vacation in early November. It all depends on when my next period arrives and if all the follicles have gone away and not turned into cysts.

Emotionally I'm blah. I feel pretty worthless. I'm frustrated that my body didn't respond the way it should have. I'm upset that I developed OHSS with so few follicles. I feel like everything that went wrong was my fault. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about the whole mess that the cycle turned out to be.

This week one of my best friends is getting married in Las Vegas. She had originally asked me to be a bridesmaid. After discussing it with the RE in June, he told me he didn't want me flying during the 1st trimester, so we called it off. Now I feel tremendously guilty because I'm NOT pregnant and technically could attend the wedding this weekend. I wish we had some magical money that would appear so I could be there, but we are scraping to come up with the money for the meds and ultrasounds and blood work for this upcoming cycle.

Since the cycle was cancelled, I've been hiding at home. Socially that is. I've done what I've had to: go to work, go to church, go to the store. I still don't really feel up to social stuff, but I feel like I have to go. I mean, what's my excuse for not going? I'm physically feeling better and I don't have to be home at a certain time for injections. I feel such a loss over this last IVF cycle and really, there wasn't even anything to lose. It's not as if there was an embryo we transferred or anything, they were just follicles with the potential to have eggs in them.

I'm so rambly tonight... off to bed with me.

Waiting for this cycle to end...

I'm still slightly puffy around the abdomen. The pain is less than last Friday, but by the end of the day it really hurts. Today was the first day I had to do a lot of physical lifting/walking/work and I really hurt after all of that. I'm hoping that with the arrival of AF in a week or so this will all go away.

I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that we will be gearing up to go through this again in a cycle. It's starting to feel like this won't work, and I hate being in that mind space.

OHSS

Ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a complication occasionally seen in women who take certain fertility medications that stimulate egg production.

Symptoms: (ones I'm having are bolded)

abdominal bloating
mild pain in the abdomen
weight gain
decreased urination
shortness of breath
significant weight gain (more than 10 lbs in 3-5 days)

Treatment:
Get plenty of rest with your legs raised. This helps your body release the fluid.
Drink 10-12 glasses of fluid a day (especially drinks with electrolytes).
Avoid alcohol or caffeinated beverages.
Avoid exercise.
Take an over-the-counter pain reliever.

Causes:
Normally a woman produces one egg per month. Some women undergoing fertility treatments are given medicines to help normalize development or increase egg production.

However, if the drugs stimulate the ovaries too much, the ovaries can become swollen, and fluid can leak into the belly and chest area. This is called OHSS. OHSS occurs only after the egg(s) are released.

*****************************************************
Yup. I've got a mild case of OHSS. I'm in pain on and off. I've been doing the prescribed rest with feet up, electrolyte fluid and monitoring of weight since last night (Friday). Last night was unbearable and I thought we might be at the RE this AM, but this morning was better. I did run errands and go to lunch with DH and felt much, much worse after. I've been resting at home with my feet up the past couple of hours and the pain is starting to lessen a bit.

Also, I still am getting hives. Dr. Opie has passed me off to my primary care doc at this point. He now thinks the hives are unrelated to the follistim. The hives aren't bugging me too much and are manageable with Benadryl, so for now I'm going to skip my primary care doc.

I think I've mostly come to terms with the cancellation. It still is sad, but I know we made the right decision. I'm in the anger, mopey mode right now and not really up for hearing all the "divine timing" and "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but I'm sure that eventually I'll be ready to hear everyone's well-meaning words.

I'm off to put my feet up again and hopefully this OHSS will settle down.

Dealing with the Aftermath

I have to deal with the temp today. She was told I was having an outpatient surgery but that it was tentative until the blood work came back. So.... she's getting cancelled for the next two weeks. She is coming today (too late to cancel) to shadow me once again. I think I'll ask my boss if I can leave once she shows up. Grrr. My boss' response was priceless: "No apologies are necessary. We are glad you received sound advice. A little peak at the master plan that is our lives would be nice, but take heart in knowing that everything happens for a reason and the universe is unfolding exactly as it should."

I'm feeling a bit numb. Not exactly at peace with the decision just yet.... just keeping the emotions at bay to get through the rest of the week. My abdomen is still super-bloated and I assume that it will be like that until the eggs released or are re-absorbed.

Thank you everyone for your kind emails and comments.

Cancelled

I once again had hives over my entire body after my follistim injection. I got to my appointment and showed them. They seemed concerned. I took some Benadryl. I had my blood drawn and then waited for Dr. Opie to show up for the ultrasound. 15 minutes later he was there and did the ultrasound. Basically, everything looked about the same. He told me they would review the case and get back to me but that ultimately it would be our decision to move forward or cancel.

Today was a long and nerve-wracking day. I called the RE at 4 when we still hadn't heard from them. Dr. Opie called back and we discussed everything. He seemed to be leaning towards going for it and then he said, "if it doesn't work, we'll know what to do next cycle." I then told him "Remember, we are only able to do 1 cycle." He asked why and I told him for financial and emotional reasons. He then said if this is the one and only cycle, we should cancel and try again. He is fairly confident we will have a better outcome with a different protocol and if nothing else we would have the same results as this time.

So, after talking with DH we've decided to cancel.

And now the tears will come....

Stim Day 9

AM Meds
Lupron- 5 units
Follistim- 225 units
Baby Aspirin

PM Meds
Follistim- 225 units

So, I neglected to mention yesterday that I had some strange hives on my arm in the morning and a few on my other arm at night.

This morning I did my follistim and lupron then headed out to the RE for my appointment. I got there and thought, "my legs are itchy- I forgot to put on lotion." I had my blood drawn and then went back for my ultrasound. I took of my opaque black tights and had a mini-freak-out. My legs were covered (read: RED, bumpy, not a square inch of normal skin) in hives. My belly and back and upper arms were also affected. I went into the ultrasound room and showed the nurse. She grabbed Dr. Opie. He looked at them and asked about the others from yesterday. He told me to take some Benadryl. He thinks that the latest cartridge of follistim I put in yesterday morning has something in it that I'm allergic to. He told me to hang onto the vial and call my pharmacy to inform them and NOT to use it again.

The ultrasound then proceeded. He started measuring the follicles and then when he was almost done said "well, you won't win any awards for good response" (or something stupid like that) I asked him if he was going to cancel the cycle. He pulled up the measurements, and I now have 5 dominant follicles. The rest are far behind and won't catch up in the time we have left before having to trigger. He went on to tell me that the average number of eggs retrieved in a woman my age is 20. He told me they would call me in the afternoon but to go ahead and schedule an appointment for tomorrow.

I left the ultrasound room, got dressed, popped a Benadryl and then went to the lobby. A nurse gave me a new cartridge of follistim to borrow, and I set up my appointment for Wednesday.

I went home (frantically calling DH all the way- until he called me back) and dropped off the follistim in the fridge then went to work.

I filled my work boss (the dad- mom was at work already) in about the situation. He seemed fine with the fact that it might get cancelled throwing out all the back-up nanny plans out the window. He and his friend (visiting from out-of-town) then left, and I got the girls up and ready for the day. The temp nanny showed up and we went to school. Big one said goodbye and then we hit the supermarket to get a quick dinner for the girls and temp nanny. We came home and I did the great clothing swap (2T packed up for my girlfriend's baby, 3T in little one's closet/drawers, 4T packed up in closet, 5T in big one's closet/drawers). I came downstairs and little one and temp nanny were hitting it off. We ate lunch, picked up big one and came home for naps. I put little one down and temp put big one down. I then filled her in on a few other things and took off for the rest of the day.

I called my boss (mom of the girls) to let her know how great today went with the temp and fill her in on the possible cancellation. She said it was fine and to let her know what decision is made. I got off the phone with her and called my pharmacy. They referred me to the manufacturer of the drug, who was closed for the day. While on hold at the pharmacy my nurse called to tell me, my estrogen looked great -977 and to come in the morning for my appointment.

I hope this all works out. I'm preparing myself that we might get cancelled and start over again. I just want a baby out of this. If that means starting over, then let's do that. This is our one shot at IVF. I don't know that 5 (possible) eggs are the way to go.

Stim Day 8

Meds:
Same as yesterday.

Today was spent doing nothing with my boo. It was great. We slept in (after I woke up at 6, did my injections and went back to sleep) and then watched some DVR stuff. We went shopping this afternoon for the last of the stuff to finish my faith quilt and then out to dinner. We tried walking around the mall, but I just couldn't do it. I am very bloated/crampy/twingey right now and feel like I might pop. I had trouble sitting at a 90-degree angle at the restaurant and had to lean the car seat back for the drive home. Even now as I type this, I'm leaning at an odd angle.

I loaded my last follistim cartridge this morning. I called and left a message for the nurse on call about this fact. I figured out that after tonight and tomorrow mornings doses, I'll only have 300ish units left. She called back and said they anticipate I'll need more than 300 units and that I could have some of theirs until my order comes in and then I'll replace the one they gave me with my order. Confusing, no? It seems easier if I could just BUY their follistim. Whatever. Tomorrow morning, I go in for another ultrasound and blood draw.

Tomorrow at work my temp is going to be working with me to get the feel of the job. I'm looking forward to this. I hope she and the little one hit it off right away. I'm planning on getting a lot of fall/winter clothing swapped in and the summer/spring stuff put away in both girls' rooms while the temp entertains the little one. The older one goes back to preschool tomorrow. Hallelujah!!! Plus, if all goes well, I'll leave during nap time and be home to rest early. This is good because I've also been extremely tired as of late. It's hard work growing all these eggs!

New mantra/wish/prayer: 10+ perfect eggs at retrieval. I have faith that we'll get there.

Stim Day 7

AM Meds:
Lupron- 5 units
Follistim- 225 units
Baby Aspirin

PM Meds:
Follistim- 225 units

DH came with me to the RE appointment today. I had a blood draw, Estrogen is 477. I also had an ultrasound. The right ovary has follicles that are 16, 14, 13, 9 & 7 mm plus 3 or 4 more that were too small to measure. The left ovary has follicles that are 17, 11, 2 at 10, 9 and 3 more that were too small to measure. DH asked if the IVF would move forward if only the biggest follicles continue to develop. Dr. K thinks at this point at least 4 follicles would mean we can continue. She thinks that the other follicles should keep up with the biggest so hopefully we'll have a lot of eggs to harvest. It was good that DH came as he was the one to remember to ask the questions about the follicles/eggs and moving forward. It was a good appointment and has filled us with hope again. Sarah #2 called with my med schedule for the next day until my appointment on Tuesday morning.

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. We had a low-key day and hung out around the house (after I got home from church). It is wonderful being married to my husband. He is so good to me, and I strive each day to be worthy of him. Happy Anniversary babe!

Stim Day 6

AM Meds:
Lupron- 5 units
Follistim- 300 units
Baby Aspirin

PM Meds:
Follistim- 150 units

Today I had acupuncture. It really helped calm my mind and focus on the end goal here. I'm trying not to get caught up in the little freak outs I keep having.

DH has agreed to go with me to the appointment tomorrow as he isn't all hyped up on hormones and has a better chance of actually hearing what the Dr says and asking intelligent, non-emotional questions.

My family is fabulous and is fasting and praying for us tomorrow that this will all work out and I'll be pregnant with our baby at the end of this.

I'm praying that tomorrow's appointment goes well.

I'm praying that I can have some calm in the middle of this storm.

Stim Day 5

AM Meds:
Lupron - 5 units
Follistim- 300 units
Baby Aspirin

PM Meds:
Menopur- 150 units

Estrogen level: 257
Eggs: 5-7 in each ovary. Only 4 were measurable. 1 8mm, 1 10 mm, and a 12 mm front runner on each side. I'm disappointed. Really, really disappointed. Dr. Opie said it all looked good, but this number of follicles is the same as I had 5 years ago doing Repronex for 2 medicated IUI's. I had really hoped that with an IVF protocol there would be more follicles. Hopefully at my Sunday scan there will be more that have caught up.

Stim Day 4

AM Meds:
Lupron - 5 units
Follistim- 300 units
Baby Aspirin

PM Meds:
Menopur- 150 units

Side Effects:
Weepy- big time today
Depressed
Tired
Forgetful
Hot Flashes
Twinges in abdomen (ovaries?!?)
Bloated abdomen
HEADACHE!!

The above side effects could also be the result of lack of sleep. I woke up at 3:30 AM this morning during a thunderstorm and was unable to return to sleep. I ran on little to no energy all day. The little ones were terrors this morning, the youngest particularly. I'm glad the workday is over. I'm nervous about the ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. I'm afraid that there won't be any follicle development, or that there are only 2 growing or something like that. *sigh* I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Stim Day 3

I got to sleep in a bit today. It was nice. :) The AM meds went quickly/easily. Same as before:
Lupron - 5 units
Follistim- 300 units
Baby Aspirin - 80 mg

I arrived at my appointment 15 minutes early. I paid our deposit on this cycle, and checked in. I was surprised that they called me back right away. The blood draw was a cinch. (Since I'm super hydrated) and then they took me back for the ultrasound. I got in the u/s room and Dr. Opie came in. He pulled up my chart and looked confused. He asked, "why are you here today?" I explained I was on stim day 3 and that when I scheduled on Sunday the front desk gal told me that I'd be doing blood work and ultrasound. Nope. He doesn't do stim day 3 ultrasounds. As he put it "we wouldn't see anything worth looking at, so we'll save you the money and not do one today." Okie dokie. I left and drove like a crazy woman to work.

I arrived at work 3 hours past my normal start time. The place looked like a bomb had gone off. I don't think my boss expected me that early. Normally the house is put together, and the kids are somewhat calm. There were toys strewn everywhere! There were clean dishes stacked on the counter to be put away and dirty dishes in the open dishwasher and in the sink. The oldest (4) was feeding the youngest (2) her breakfast. (Which is completely unnecessary as she can feed herself) My boss was in pajamas and looked harried. I buzzed in, got the youngest eating on her own, the oldest cleaning up toys and my boss did the dishes. Everything was back to (my) normal, and my boss headed up to her office to work for the day.

I had a great day with the girls. We went to an incredible park with tons of ropes/nets to climb. They had a blast. We came home and ate lunch then they went down for naps. During naptime my boss came down to check in with me and see if I was still ok to work an hour later than normal. I told her I was feeling fine (sort of) and we discussed the cycle a bit. As we talked my phone rang. It was wonderful nurse Sarah. She told me my estrogen was at 112, which was what they were expecting. All my meds stay the same and I'm to come back on Friday for blood work and ultrasound. My boss left for the call and came back to find out if everything was ok. I swear, she's more excited by all of this than me! I filled her in and she headed back up to her office to work. The little one woke and then the older one. We had snack and headed out into the sunshine to play.

PM meds for tonight really hurt!
Menopur - 150 units
I watched a youtube video on injecting menopur and her tip was to let it sit after reconstituting it so that it doesn't burn as much. The first time I injected it there was no pain. Last night was a bit of burning. Tonight (even after letting it sit a bit) it burned like crazy and it actually hurt after I pulled out the needle. My abdomen is still a bit sore where I injected it (20 minutes later), but hopefully that will calm down soon.

My new concern (which I'll call the RE about tomorrow) is that I'm almost out of the Menopur. After tomorrow night's dose I only have 75 units left. If they keep me on my current protocol, I'll be out of luck. Hopefully I will get an answer and new prescription from them tomorrow.

Stim Day 2

AM Meds:
Lupron- 5 units
Follistim- 300 units
Baby Aspirin- 80 mg
PM Meds:
Menopur- 150 units

Side effects:
HOT FLASHES are back. Big time.
Still tired but might still be the stupid head cold.

Overall today's injections went much more smoothly. I think I mis-injected myself with the follistim pen on Monday and injected closer to 275 units as there was extra medicine in my pen today. The cartridge I had loaded Monday was 300 units. It should have all been gone after that first dose, right? This AM I used it and it had 100 left in it. Perhaps there is always extra meds in the pen, but I'm guessing I under dosed myself on Monday. Hopefully that won't be a problem at the appointment tomorrow. I will definitely let Dr. Opie know what happened, so he has that in mind when the medicine levels are adjusted. I'm excited to see how the follicles are developing and finding out what my hormone levels are. I'm not excited that the appointment is so late in the day. My boss is having a virtual day and working from home. She has a meeting at 10:30, so hopefully I'll be in by then.

I seem to have more energy than last weekend, which I think means I'm finally getting over the stupid cold. Now if only my cough would go away...

Stim Day 1

AM medications:
Baby Aspirin- 80 mg
Lupron - 5 units
Follistim- 300 units

PM medication:
Menopur- 150 units

The morning lupron injection was super-fast. The follistim went well. I still don't think the pen is any easier than a normal syringe/needle combo, but whatever. I then realized about halfway through my morning that I forgot to check for the drop of medication on the needle of the pen before injecting it. Hopefully I actually got meds in me this AM.

Tonight's injection was easy. The whole reconstituting of the menopur was easy and it dissolved quickly. The syringe is bigger and a bit more awkward to hold than the itty bitty lupron syringes, but I was able to quickly stab myself and then s-l-o-w-l-y inject the medicine.

Side effects:
So far just really, really tired. But that is most likely a side effect of the horrible cold/coughing that I've got going on. I am a bit nauseous tonight after eating dinner, but not too bad.


DH came up with a cute nickname for our little embryo. But we need to figure out another nickname in case we transfer 2. He's adorable. Love my guy.

Early Sunday Mornings

I woke up early to do the lupron shot and get ready for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. I left the house and drove frantically to the clinic. (I left later than I should have) I arrived and checked in. I was called back for the blood work. The phlebotomist had a hard time finding a vein but was pretty cheerful and funny about it. Blood was finally drawn. My favorite nurse coordinator, Sarah #1, then took me back to the exam room and gave me a new protocol paper with more detailed instructions for medications. I met her next door in the ultrasound room. She told me Dr. L was running a bit late and gave me the latest People magazine to read. Dr. L showed up and he did the ultrasound. Uterus looks good. 5-7 follicles in each ovary. We are on for this month!! I came home and DH was awake. We chilled out (coughed and rested) the rest of the morning. (I called a sub for the church gig yesterday) We waited and waited for the phone call that the blood work was fine. DH suggested I look online. I did. The results were back. I had no idea what the number meant so I googled it, and it looked fine. I was super tired, so we decided to take a nap (with the phone with us in case Sarah called.) No more than 5 minutes after we laid down, she called. Blood work is great. We are good to go!

Is this what hope feels like? Hope has been gone a long, long time. It's scary.... but I'm praying for all I'm worth that this works for us.

Sick, sick, sick

I have a cold. Blerg. I am super sick. I'm nervous about tomorrow's Dr. appointment. I hope that we are good to go with the stim side of the IVF cycle.

I am happy that I'm off of the birth control pills. I seem to be less nauseous and less emotional. The AF this week was horrendous. It was worse than the one 2 cycles ago. I monitored it and didn't call the night of the bad flow but called my nurse coordinator Friday morning. She called me back and after I described what happened she said "um, that doesn't sound right." She told me to keep extra hydrated and that she would bring it up at the Dr. round table discussion that day, but that since it had slowed down, I should be ok. I didn't hear back, but it was nice to have my feelings that this was abnormal validated.

Our donor sperm arrived at the clinic on Friday as well. Yeah! We really and truly seem to be getting closer to the dream of having a child.

Ok, now I'm crawling back into bed. I'll update the Dr. results tomorrow.

Feeling Sick

I am so, so, so, happy that I only have one more birth control pill to take this cycle. The last one is tomorrow. Woo-hoo! I'm hoping all of the unpleasant side effects go away quickly once I'm done taking it. I'm hoping that the lupron hasn't added side effects that I've been attributing to the birth control pill.
The day of my suppression ultrasound and blood work is fast approaching. I hope that everything will look great and I'll be able to move on to the stim side of the cycle. It still is a bit unreal to me that we're actually doing IVF after deciding to start our family over 10 years ago. Our wedding anniversary (13th) is coming up in less than two weeks, and it seems like just yesterday we were married. Time really flies!
This weekend my sister drove up to spend some time with us (and to get her home-made pickles!) It was wonderful spending time with her. I am so blessed to have her in my life. Poor DH was sick all weekend, so he was unable to do the fun sightseeing stuff we did, but he did join us for the meals we ate out.
I forgot to take a picture for the CSA this week, but we got more delicious veggies. I used a bunch of them in a big pan of roast veggies on Sunday along with a delicious roast chicken and risotto that my DH made it was a great meal.
I've just re-read this post, and it is very rambling. I am blaming it on the meds and the possibility that I'm coming down with what DH had. Today has been hard. Very tired, dizzy, nauseous and pukie. More updates later. Hopefully, my health will take a turn for the better.

Momentous Day

I've started assembling my faith quilt. This is the quilt I decided to make to show the Lord (and myself) that I have faith that we will have a child at the end of this craziness. It's been fun working on it and here are some pictures of the progress so far:


I think the colors and patterns are somewhat gender neutral, but really, this is a baby quilt and I'm the one that has to like looking at it- not the baby. I've been reading up on faith scriptures as well. Here are a few that have stuck with me lately:
"Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as though wilt." -Matthew 15:28
"...whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it." -Enos 1:15
"For with God nothing shall be impossible" - Luke 1:37

I am working on having faith that this cycle will bring us our desired child and hopefully I'll also have a great little quilt to share with the baby.
Today was a momentous day as I started my Lupron! I reviewed the technique to give myself the injection and laid out all the supplies last night (except for the meds- they were in the fridge until I pulled them out to use them this morning) so that I would be ready to go this morning.



I had a brief "oh my gosh am I really going to stick myself with a needle?!?" moment and then did it. It was painless and went smoothly. I immediately had itching, redness and swelling. I cleaned up the needle and paraphernalia and then checked Dr. Google for side effects. Sure enough, the itchiness, swelling and redness are common. Phew! I thought maybe I was allergic to it! No side effects were noticed from it today. However, here is my current list of side effects from the stupid Loestrin oral contraceptive pill:
-random nausea
-heightened sense of smell
-spotting
-cramps

-skin break out
-tender/sore breasts
-WILD mood swings
The hot flashes have backed off, but I hear that is the major side effect from Lupron so they may be back soon. I continue with the birth control pills for one more week and then I'm done with them. The Lupron I'm on for about 14 days. I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic today. This cycle is working out well so far. Yeah!

One Week down...

It will be officially 1 week that I've been on suppression medication for our IVF cycle tomorrow morning. I haven't had many side effects. The biggest one has been hot flashes and some mild nausea. (Oh, and emotional beyond belief!!) On Wednesday I start the Lupron and I'm excited to be on to the injectable portion. I think it will feel more real to me when I'm doing that versus just popping pills each morning.

Yesterday DH and I met with the financial person at our clinic to sign off on the new prices. She also informed us that their policy on submitting claims to the insurance company has changed. Because I have used up my entire IF coverage and the clinic is aware of that they will no longer submit the claims. This REALLY sucks, as my insurance company has been paying for the odd blood test or venipuncture here and there because of the code they use to submit it. So, the plan is we will pay for all of it out of pocket and then submit it to the insurance company afterwards to try and be reimbursed for something. DH has only used approximately $800 of his lifetime coverage so we can put all of the embryology costs on his insurance, which is fantastic. We have to have our payment in full to them at my suppression check. Our procedure room fee (separate check/separate company) for the ER will be due in full at the ER. After we signed away our savings, we met with one of the nurse coordinators (other Sarah) to finish signing our IVF consent forms. She was super nice. She went over a few things I had questions on and was funny and helpful and supportive. So, of the 3 nurse coordinators I've worked with so far, both of the Sarah's have been my favorite and weekend nurse was so-so.

After our appointments at the clinic, we walked across the street to pay our bill for the HSG at the hospital. It was a LONG walk through the hospitals basement to get to finance. We then stood around for 10-15 minutes waiting for someone to show up at the desk. She finally came back with a snack (looks like she ran to the cafeteria) and we paid the bill. It kills me to see all this money going out, but as my DH put it, "Do you want a baby, or not?" It's just frustrating that this is the route we have to take. I know it will be all worth it in the end and I know you can't put a price on having a healthy pregnancy and baby, but it still is mind boggling at times.