Blah

I'm having a hard time letting go of the fantasy of getting pregnant on our own at home. When I do think about it and let it sink in, I get really depressed and lost. So, I haven't really dealt with it. I was in UT visiting my family for the first bit and then came home and was busy with stuff here. Yesterday I didn't have much to do and wound up moping all day. Hubby was sweet and got me flowers when he came home from work. But I don't feel like he was really invested in this anyway, so he doesn't understand how I feel.
Today I'm going back to work after a long break. We have a busy day planned with a play date and staying out all day. I'm hoping I can get out of this funk. Tomorrow isn't as busy, but I'll still be at work 1/2 the day. Saturday, I have an all-day/all-night bachelorette party to go to. I REALLY don't feel like socializing, but it's for my best friend and I can't not go. She doesn't know that we ttc this last cycle yet... I haven't wanted to tell her until after her wedding reception. ARGH! Plus, I'm at the ovulatory part of my cycle and it just makes me sick to think of the little egg being wasted...
I need to snap out of this.

Out

I'm out. I woke up this morning to find my period had arrived in all its glory. I've cried a bit, but strangely it hasn't really hit me. I think the trip to Utah will be good to distract me from it all. Now I just need to tell Nate.

Blood Test

The bad gut feeling from last night has continued into today. I don't think I'm pregnant. The HPT this morning was negative again. I called the midwife's office for a blood pregnancy test. They didn't get back to me until afternoon, so I went in after work. I hope we get the results early tomorrow morning before I fly to Utah. I just don't feel pregnant. I'm preparing myself for the worst and then if by some fluke I am pregnant it will be a pleasant surprise. I'm trying to just focus on the trip home to see my family. I can lose it once I'm back home next Wednesday. I just hope hubby doesn't take it too hard. I worry about him being alone. Luckily, we have a friend coming to town for the weekend, so he'll only be alone 2 nights. I just keep thinking/reflecting on my patriarchal blessing that states my mission on Earth is to bring spirits into this world. I don't see how not getting pregnant fulfills that mission. I don't know what more I can do to get pregnant on my own. If this doesn't work, we would move onto IVF, but hubby has flat out refused to do more than one cycle of it. It's getting close to the end. It worries me. I can't see myself moving on to adoption. Every time I think about it, I get so mad. I hate the system and all the hoops we would have to go through to prove we would be good parents. I don't think we should have to prove anything. I've worked with enough CRAPPY parents that I don't think I should have to be judged at all on my parenting skills. But enough of that angle. One step at a time, right?

Roller Coaster Day

Another - test this morning. I had acupuncture at 8 which was good. T really helped me and I felt much better after. She kept reminding me how well I've done and that all I can do now is let go. She emailed me some guided meditations to help calm my mind. The workday was ok. I called the midwife and she told me I could come in anytime I wanted for a blood test and that they would have the results back in a couple of hours. I started feeling yucky (nauseous and crampy) in the late afternoon. After work C came by and we chatted for a bit, and I saw her new wedding dress and shoes. The whole time I was talking to her I had a pit in my stomach. I think that I'm not pregnant. I had some spotting the last time I went to the bathroom about an hour ago. Now it is gone. I'm so confused. I was feeling so upbeat and happy this morning and now I'm crying. I want a beta blood test tomorrow, but at the same time I don't know if I want to know for sure that I'm not pregnant.

What is going on!?!

I'm so confused and just want to know if I'm pregnant or not. Last night right before bed I had a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of spotting. This morning I was up to use the bathroom at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I took my temp at 4:30 before I got up and it was .4 lower than yesterday. This morning I was still nauseous and I was also AF crampy. The cramps stopped mid-morning and have not returned. I haven't had any more spotting. I'm so confused! If I'm pg I just want a +++ test and if not, then for it to be over with already. Tomorrow morning, I go in for acupuncture and I'm hoping tomorrow's test will be +. Either way I'm calling my midwife to figure out what to do from here. So frustrating!

Crazy Symptoms

This weekend has been up & down pg symptom wise. Friday and Saturday I had cramps and was sure AF was coming, but then Sunday they disappeared. Here are today's symptoms:
* Nauseous
* Dizzy
* Extremely Tired
* Hot
* Mild Cramps
* Super sore breasts
My temp is still up but did go down .2 from the highest it was at. The pg test this AM was negative. I bought some more tests today and will test every day this week until AF shows or I get a confirmation. I'm still trying to be upbeat and positive about all of this. I've never been so happy to be nauseous in all my life!

Crap

Today has been crappy reproductive wise. My morning temp was super high- 98.6 - which it has NEVER been before. I believe it is so high because of the prometrium. Around 8:30 AM I started feeling crampy. I've also had lower back pain like AF will show anytime. No spotting yet, but this feels EXACTLY like AF. I just googled "period cramps early pregnancy" and found lots of women reporting that cramping occurs in early pregnancy so I'm still holding out some hope that this worked. I broke down and bought a pack of 3 HPT's yesterday, so I'm tempted to test tomorrow. But I will only be 8 DPO tomorrow so I should probably wait until at least Sunday. Then I can test Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and call the midwife to come in for a beta on Wednesday or Thursday before I decide if I should stop the prometrium. I would love to get a BFP on Sunday, Mother's Day. That would be a true miracle.

2WW Crazies

I had forgotten (sort of) that I go insane during the 2ww. This go around I seem to be a bit better in some ways (I've avoided peeing on a stick so far) but worse in others. I am afraid the following will impact the baby from implanting:
*coughing
*slouching
*too tight pants
*speed bumps/dips in the road
*exercise in any form
*hot showers (even warm- I took a luke warm/cold one today!)
*sex
*lifting anything over 5 lbs.
Today my new obsession was my mood. I wondered why I was being irritated by everything the kids did. It didn't make sense. I started to worry that I'm already PMSing at 4 DPO. It's freaking me out. On the way home from work I turned on the baby playlist (the only thing I've listened to since sperming up) and gave the baby a pep-talk about implanting. I hope/pray/need this baby to implant, stick and grow. It's so hard waiting to find out. I successfully went into the grocery store and didn't buy a HPT. I walked down the aisle and glanced at them but didn't buy one. Mainly because it wasn't the brand I like. I hope I can hold out on purchasing a HPT until Saturday. It seems sooooo far away!

Weekend Update

Yesterday morning I woke up to temp and my temp jumped by .2 degrees. Uh-oh, I thought... I must have ovulated overnight. I got up, double checked my temp with fertility friend and realized that we would have to inseminate ASAP. I ate another egg mcmuffin and woke the hubby. We prepped the sperm and spermed up. I then lay with my hips propped 1/2 an hour and then inserted an instead cup to keep everything in, flipped and lay on my stomach with hips up another 1/2 hour. We then got ready and went to Chinook's for lunch. I did a huge cheat lunch, but it was worth it! We grocery shopped on the way home and then made a quick dinner before my stake conference.
I was really excited for stake conference. Elder Holland was presiding and it was amazing! I was sick right before it started and consequently lost my good seat, but I still was able to see and hear the apostle pretty well. The spirit was present at our conference. He spoke all about faith, enduring until the happy days, and that God loves us no matter what and he can fix broken things. I came home very uplifted.
Today I woke and my temp was still up, so I'm thinking I ovulated during the night of Friday to Saturday which means we inseminated 6 or 10 hours on either side of ovulation which is perfect! Yeah! I got ready, ate and headed to the general session of stake conference. I went to the overflow seating at RHS and had a much more comfortable seat than the night before. The conference was great and a new stake presidency was called including my old bishop. Elder Holland again spoke and was wonderful. He left an apostlistic blessing on the congregation and it was so moving. I felt so strongly that God loves me, knows me and knows my struggles. I came home from the conference, and we ate lunch then sat on the back deck in the beautiful sunshine. I keep thinking that my little baby is a floating ball of cells right now. I'm so excited. I will start taking the prometrium tomorrow night and continue with it through my first prenatal check-up and then my midwife will decide what to do. I spent the rest of the day relaxing with my wonderful husband and then spoke to my mom & dad on the phone. It's been hard not telling them about our recent ttc, but I just don't think I could disappoint them again with all the ups and downs. Today has been a wonderful day.

Roller Coaster

What a day yesterday! I called in sick to be at home to accept the sperm delivery. I got up, worked out, peed on an OPK (+!) and then started to make an egg mcmuffin for breakfast. Then the acupuncturist office called and told me that my T had a family emergency and had to cancel my appointment for the afternoon. I panicked! They offered a Monday appointment, but I couldn't do the times they had. I called N sobbing. I felt like all of my hard work was for nothing. Last week at my appointment K had said it was critical I came for acu every week now that we are actively ttc. N tried to calm me down and I got off the phone and finished making my sandwich and then ate it. The office called back and said T would try to squeeze me in at 10:30 before she flew out. I told them I would know by 10 if I could make it. (It was 9:15) I then quickly got showered and dressed and waited for Fedex to arrive with the sperm. By 10:05 they still hadn't come and I called to cancel the appointment. I then watched some TV and the Fedex came at 12:15. I decided to get all cleaned up and centered emotionally. After a relaxing bath N called again to check on me. I was much calmer and was able to talk somewhat rationally to him and explain that the OPK was + so we would inseminate that night and the next day. He came home from work, and we went out to dinner with our good friends at the Alehouse. We then all came home and they hung around for another 2 hours. Finally, they left (normally I would love them to hang out all night, but I needed to sperm up!) and we prepped the sperm and myself. N was great. He got it all prepped and done in no time at all. I then inserted an instead cup to hold everything "in". I then lay with my hips propped and a "baby making" playlist on my ipod for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes I flipped onto my stomach propped (I have a tilted uterus so I thought this might help) for another 30 minutes then went to sleep. I feel like yesterday went really well. I am now waiting for Nate wake up so we can do another insemination today. I can't believe we've made it to this point and now I'm just having to have faith and let go.

Countdown to Ovulation!

It's Monday. It was a rough wake-up. I'm in full miserable mode from allergies. My throat is sore, everywhere itches and consequently I didn't sleep well. I skipped the work-out this morning and slept a bit longer before work. Both kids were sick (so it should be easy to call in sick to work on Friday) and were bears today. On the plus side I received the catheter/syringe last week in the mail and Medco sent me confirmation that they are mailing the prometrium. I also received a receipt for the sperm purchase and it will ship on Wednesday. I think I'll start doing OPK's on Friday and go from there. I am hoping for an earlier O... maybe Sunday? That would work out great for me, but I have a feeling it will be closer to Wednesday/Thursday of next week. I am beginning to become anxious about everything and so I'm trying to relax, focus on turning it over to God and having faith. Oh, and of course praying.

Check List

I had two days off from work this week (work family was on vacation) so I took advantage of the days off to deal with the rest of my ttc checklist. Monday, I called Scandinavian Cryobank to order the fallopian swim team. Unfortunately, the guy that answered the phone said he was new and couldn't take my order... what?!? Isn't that the whole purpose of the bank? To take orders? Anyway, he took my info and Mette who I've been emailing with called me back on Tuesday. She took our order and will ship them 2nd day air via Fedex on April 30 for May 2 delivery. The only problem is that someone needs to be home to receive the shipment. Nate can't because he has a huge work meeting this week and next, so I'll be calling in sick that day. I also phoned the midwife on Monday to ask about allergy meds I'm on and to have them call in the progesterone prescription. I played phone tag with them on Monday and called back on Tuesday. Sachiko (who I saw on my Jan. appointment) phoned back and sent in the prescription to Bartells and then called back to let me know not to take ANY of the allergy meds. WHAT?!? No allergy meds heading into the worst part of allergy season? This little bean better stick to make this month of itchiness worth it. :) I picked up the progesterone (prometrium oral) Tuesday and then phoned the midwife today to have the rest of the 60 day worth sent to Medco. I also ordered the syringe/catheter on Tuesday to be delivered in the next week. So, it looks like everything is set for a CD 14 (May 2) - CD 19 (May 7) donor ICI. I'm really excited, nervous and a bit in shock that this is all happening. I'm trying to keep really busy with exercise and obsessing over my diet to try and drop some more weight before the pg. I'm a bit concerned that I'll find out the pg status the day of my flight to Utah to visit the family. I figure that if it's good news, I'll be happy to share and if it's bad news then I'll have my mom, dad and sisters/brother to help me get through it. I keep repeating to myself "I've done all I can do... now I need to turn this over to the Lord." I hope I can do that.

Baby Making Cycle

Wow! I didn't think I would get to this point. I'm on CD 1 of our DIY ICI at home. I'm down over 30 lbs. from the last time we ttc (almost 4 years ago) which is 13% of my weight gone. I've been getting 1 x a week acupuncture from a terrific practitioner for the past 6 weeks. I work out 6 days a week. I've been on prenatal vitamins for 3+ months. I'm eating a mostly South Beach diet and absolutely no refined carbs or refined sugar plus very little gluten. I think everything is very nicely aligning for this cycle. Monday I will call my midwife and get the progesterone subscription called in to my local pharmacy as well as find out how long to take it and when. I'm also calling the sperm bank on Monday to secure our donor sperm.

I keep trying to take deep breaths and do positive visualization. I'm so excited, but at the same time I know I shouldn't get too excited as the chances of this working are around 6%... but I really hope this is it. The other day a very calm peace enveloped me as I was driving and thinking about the whole process. I keep praying that the spirit waiting to be born will come to us this time. I think she's a girl.

TTC Update

Ok, so I haven't updated this in a long time. I was finally able to see my midwife in January. She evaluated me and all looks good. I'm at a healthier weight and because of my age/family history of early menopause she suggested I try to get pregnant now. She also moved me off of Metfomin and onto Avandia. I also was given an iron supplement to take just on the weekends to boost my iron level. She signed the donor sperm release forms and also told me she would give me clomid if I want it (I don't) and prometrium if I want it (which I do) for the ttc at home cycle. I decided after reading more about Avandia to call her office and see if there was a safer drug as it was associated with heart failure (bad thing!). The 3rd midwife I spoke to reviewed all of my charts and tests and concluded that I'm not poly-cystic and don't need any of the meds. I stopped taking all of them.
I continued with the south beach diet and exercise program through January and February. To date I have lost 49 lbs. Hubby and I saw an acupuncturist on Saturday to help with our ttc saga. She doesn't think that his problem can be helped at all and most likely is genetic in nature. So, we are moving forward with donor. She believes that my problem in conceiving has been my weight creating "dampness" and that my kidney qi is too low. She prescribed acupuncture for 8 weeks, probiotics for 8 weeks and a few dietary changes to help my body prepare for a baby.
I'm hopeful and optimistic that this will all work to culminate with a pregnancy. It looks like we will attempt the DIY donor ICI at the end of April or end of May. Both have drawbacks and pluses. The April one would be coming right off of the 8 weeks of acu, but I would be in UT visiting family when I find out if I'm pregnant. The May would be great, but it conflicts with our friend's wedding plans/preparations. I'm going to rely on prayer to figure this one out.
On that note... yesterday in church I was saying a prayer along the lines of "help me know what to do about our child" I was toying with middle names, and I came upon a combination I hadn't thought of before. My heart thrilled to it, and I felt the spirit so strongly. I feel that we will have a girl and we'll name her that. I've tried to get the feeling since, but it hasn't come back. I hope that my feelings are accurate.

Goodbye Pres. Hinkley

I just finished watching the funeral services for the 15th prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Gordon B. Hinkley. It was a moving service with many remembering the prophet and his legacy. This service has prompted me to write a bit about President Hinkley. President Hinkley has been at the forefront of the leadership of the church for most of my formative years. I was privileged to attend the dedication of the Bountiful, UT temple in 1995 at which President Hinkley (then the 1st counselor in the First Presidency) presided. I remember sitting in the room mere feet from him and feeling such a calm overwhelming feeling that I was in the presence of a man of God. I’ve loved President Hinkley. He has been a wonderful Prophet of God and has done much for the church. His strong testimony of Christ was visible in all that he did. I will miss him. However, I know without a doubt that he is with his loved ones on the other side of the veil. I will see him again when it is my time to pass. I know that the leadership of the church will go on and that a new Prophet of God will be called. The new Prophet will lead the church and do the Lord’s will on the Earth. I will sustain and follow the new Prophet just as I did with President Hinkley.