Blood Test

The bad gut feeling from last night has continued into today. I don't think I'm pregnant. The HPT this morning was negative again. I called the midwife's office for a blood pregnancy test. They didn't get back to me until afternoon, so I went in after work. I hope we get the results early tomorrow morning before I fly to Utah. I just don't feel pregnant. I'm preparing myself for the worst and then if by some fluke I am pregnant it will be a pleasant surprise. I'm trying to just focus on the trip home to see my family. I can lose it once I'm back home next Wednesday. I just hope hubby doesn't take it too hard. I worry about him being alone. Luckily, we have a friend coming to town for the weekend, so he'll only be alone 2 nights. I just keep thinking/reflecting on my patriarchal blessing that states my mission on Earth is to bring spirits into this world. I don't see how not getting pregnant fulfills that mission. I don't know what more I can do to get pregnant on my own. If this doesn't work, we would move onto IVF, but hubby has flat out refused to do more than one cycle of it. It's getting close to the end. It worries me. I can't see myself moving on to adoption. Every time I think about it, I get so mad. I hate the system and all the hoops we would have to go through to prove we would be good parents. I don't think we should have to prove anything. I've worked with enough CRAPPY parents that I don't think I should have to be judged at all on my parenting skills. But enough of that angle. One step at a time, right?