Well, over the weekend my boss had some pregnancy problems. She saw her doctor and the doctor recommended she have an ultrasound today. It wasn't good news. The baby never developed. She is having a rough time of it. I feel bad for her. I hope that she is able to come to terms with this loss. It was a hard day. The kids knew she was sad, but they don't know why. I was a bit sad too. However, I really think this is for the best. I just wish she didn't have to go through a loss like this though.
Edited to add: It turns out there was a baby. It stopped developing at 8 weeks or so. This has made everything harder. Today (Tuesday) the boss talked to me about it during nap time. I am glad I can be there for her (since I've been through similar things) but it is emotionally draining. It brings up all of my negative thoughts/feelings about my own infertility experience. Also, they are planning on trying again. Probably in January, which is when I want to try our home insemination. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. She will be home tomorrow and then having her D&C on Thursday afternoon.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sorta Sad
Today was my 30th Birthday Party. It was fun, but I'm still sort-of sad. All of my friends, hubby and I went to a pumpkin farm. We got to fling baby pumpkins with water balloon launchers, do a corn maze and pick our own pumpkins out of the pumpkin patch. We then came back to my place, ate some yummy chili and gumbo and then carved our pumpkins. I love my friends; they are my family here. I love spending time with them, and I always have a great time. I also got some kick-ass, thoughtful, unexpected gifts. Plus, hubby did the cooking AND clean-up of the party.
However, I really thought I would be done with having my babies by the time I was 30. When we started trying for our family, I was 22. When we started our fertility treatments, I was 26. It feels like my life is very unfinished up to this point. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family and dogs and friends, but a huge part of what I want is missing.
Last night I had a very vivid dream. I woke up twice last night and both times I fell back asleep I was in this dream. In the dream we lived on a lake house (currently we do not). We were bringing baby twins home for the 1st time. We got settled in and I sat down to breast feed them. I was trying to do both at once and one of the babies was having a hard time latching on. Hubby then takes that baby. When I look at him holding the baby it's older- it has more hair and teeth. I get the one baby nursing fine, and he gives me back the other baby. I look down and this time the baby is a newborn. The twins are a boy and a girl. I could describe them in detail. The room is full of sunlight, and I just sat there nursing my babies and looking down at their sweet faces in the sunlight. The feeling of nursing felt so REAL! (At least how I think it would feel- I've never done it) The dream was so realistic. I woke up and immediately thought, where are the babies? I bet they need to be fed again.
I kept the emotions in check today. I am grateful that everyone came to the party and was so wonderful, so I didn't want to ruin it by crying. However, I know that my actual birthday will be tough. My girlfriend is coming to a spa with me for the day. Then that night some friends and hubby are going with me to one of my favorite sushi places for dinner. I hope that by keeping busy I'm able to keep the sadness, longing and emptiness at bay.
However, I really thought I would be done with having my babies by the time I was 30. When we started trying for our family, I was 22. When we started our fertility treatments, I was 26. It feels like my life is very unfinished up to this point. That is where the sadness comes from, I think. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family and dogs and friends, but a huge part of what I want is missing.
Last night I had a very vivid dream. I woke up twice last night and both times I fell back asleep I was in this dream. In the dream we lived on a lake house (currently we do not). We were bringing baby twins home for the 1st time. We got settled in and I sat down to breast feed them. I was trying to do both at once and one of the babies was having a hard time latching on. Hubby then takes that baby. When I look at him holding the baby it's older- it has more hair and teeth. I get the one baby nursing fine, and he gives me back the other baby. I look down and this time the baby is a newborn. The twins are a boy and a girl. I could describe them in detail. The room is full of sunlight, and I just sat there nursing my babies and looking down at their sweet faces in the sunlight. The feeling of nursing felt so REAL! (At least how I think it would feel- I've never done it) The dream was so realistic. I woke up and immediately thought, where are the babies? I bet they need to be fed again.
I kept the emotions in check today. I am grateful that everyone came to the party and was so wonderful, so I didn't want to ruin it by crying. However, I know that my actual birthday will be tough. My girlfriend is coming to a spa with me for the day. Then that night some friends and hubby are going with me to one of my favorite sushi places for dinner. I hope that by keeping busy I'm able to keep the sadness, longing and emptiness at bay.
Monday, October 1, 2007
It's October
Wow! It's October 1st! I wore my Old Navy spider/Halloween t-shirt today and broke out the skeleton socks. I love this time of year. The weather gets colder, rainier and the leaves are bright colors. Pumpkins are everywhere too! Saturday, we saw several signs for pumpkin patches near our home and all the grocery stores had pumpkins. Woo-hoo!
Now that I have told 1 person about the secret pregnancy, I've decided to tell anyone who can support me through it and understand my point-of-view. So far, I've told a close nanny friend, close teacher friend and my mom. All three of them have been fabulous supports. I feel much better now that my poor hubby doesn't have to listen to ALL of my venting. My nanny friend brought up a good point. She thinks that they won't keep me on as nanny for the new one. As she pointed out the oldest will be in public school full day, the middle one will be in preschool at least 3 times a week and the baby could go with mom to work. (They are the owners of their own business) It would be WAY cheaper to put the middle one in a daycare/preschool and flex their time to drop off/pick up the older one. Hmmm... interesting. I don't know that I would be that sad if they let me go. I would miss the kids, but it would be nice to move onto something else guilt free. I haven't brought it up to the boss yet but hopefully will get the guts to do it soon.
Now that I have told 1 person about the secret pregnancy, I've decided to tell anyone who can support me through it and understand my point-of-view. So far, I've told a close nanny friend, close teacher friend and my mom. All three of them have been fabulous supports. I feel much better now that my poor hubby doesn't have to listen to ALL of my venting. My nanny friend brought up a good point. She thinks that they won't keep me on as nanny for the new one. As she pointed out the oldest will be in public school full day, the middle one will be in preschool at least 3 times a week and the baby could go with mom to work. (They are the owners of their own business) It would be WAY cheaper to put the middle one in a daycare/preschool and flex their time to drop off/pick up the older one. Hmmm... interesting. I don't know that I would be that sad if they let me go. I would miss the kids, but it would be nice to move onto something else guilt free. I haven't brought it up to the boss yet but hopefully will get the guts to do it soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)