Peace

I feel so at peace today with our decision to cancel last cycle. Today was the suppression check. It was with my two favorite nurses (Sarah 1 & 2) and Dr. Opie. The blood tech was new and found my vein with no problems. The ultrasound started and my uterus looks good. He then checked the right ovary 8-9 follicles. He checked the left... 8-9 follicles. WHAT?!?! I asked him to double check. He did. My left ovary has more follicles (double actually) from last ultrasound a mere 10 days ago. I am so happy!

I got a call from my nurse in the afternoon and my estrodial was perfect so we will move forward with this cycle. I start my micro-dose lupron on Saturday along with an antibiotic for some strep-b that they found. I then start the heavy-duty stimulation medications on the 2nd of November.

I feel blessed, happy, grateful to my heavenly father and to all of my family and friends praying for us.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. I'm 32. It's been a bitter-sweet day. I feel blessed to have a wonderful DH, home, family and life. But it's also hard not to compare my reality with where I thought I would be at 32. I married young. As such, I assumed I would be done having my children (we never decided back then on the 2 he wanted or the 4 I wanted) by 30, not still ttc #1 at 32.

However, I'm trying to be more positive than negative today and tomorrow is my suppression ultrasound and blood work. Once that is done and a-ok then I get a 3-day furlough with no medications. AND I'll be off of the horrible OCP, and the constant nausea should disappear. Starting Halloween, I will begin the twice a day injections of a micro-dose of Lupron. The follicle stimulation meds, Gonal-f and Menopur this go-a-round, will be added to the micro-dose Lupron starting the 2nd.

This year will be the best one yet...

Side Effects

Boo. :( My yucky side effects from the stupid birth control pills are back with a vengeance. They showed up approximately 4 hours after the 1st pill was popped. I've now popped 4 pills, and the side effects have intensified. Main side effects: hot flashes, food/smell aversions and constant low-level unease/nausea. I'm trying to pretend that this is a prep for morning sickness. Hopefully, it is a "practice run" and I'll truly be sick with morning sickness in a few short weeks. In the meantime, I've been trying to avoid smells/foods that make me ill. I also picked up some ginger to help settle my stomach. Only 7 more pills to go.

IVF 1.5

I had my CD 3 ultrasound and blood work today. Uterus looks good. Right ovary had 8 potential follicles and left had 4. There weren't any cysts. All of the blood work came back at the right levels too. Tonight I start my oral meds. The next appointment is the 27th.

DH came with me to the appointment and then we went out to breakfast to celebrate. We also got some "good luck" socks for me to wear to the ET. They are really cute knee-high black socks with little gnomes all over them.

It begins

AF showed today. I called the RE and the receptionist couldn't make my appointment for a u/s and b/w because I "wasn't on the books for IVF." I left a message for the nurses. A nurse I hadn't spoken with before, Danielle, called back. She helpfully scheduled my appointment for Saturday morning instead of Friday (since I am accompanying the preschool for a pumpkin field trip tomorrow.) I'm hoping that everything will look great and there won't be any cysts. If it's all good, then I'll start the BCP's.

New Worries

I'm a worrier. Anyone that knows me in real life, knows this about me. I plan and I worry. With this "rest" cycle I've done anything but rest. I've been worrying. About everything and anything that can go wrong with our upcoming IVF cycle.

My new current fear is regarding the baseline u/s this upcoming week. I'm worried that at it there will be a LOT of cysts left over from all the stim meds I had in the last cycle. I'm worried that this will cause this cycle to be postponed another month and I'll have to be on BCP to shrink the cysts and will then be over-supressed again. I'm worried that if we have to postpone, we will run into possible weather-related closures of the clinic. They are open every day except Christmas, but last year during our huge snowstorm (Seattle doesn't get snow) the city shut down and the clinic with it. I never asked what the policy would be regarding snow closures as we thought we were doing a summer IVF.

I'm trying to use positive visualization instead of focusing on the negative in the hope that the positive vibes will affect the outcome. Only time will tell and hopefully I'll have some good news to post later in the week when I get the "all clear" from the RE and start this IVF cycle.

How I feel as illustrated by Dr. Seuss

Today as I was reading "Oh the Places You'll Go" to the little one I realized that a lot of what I was reading is how I'm feeling right now. I've always loved this book and identified with it, but today it really hit home. (And left me a bit weepy which is always hard to explain to a 2 1/2-year-old) Here are some of the bits that stuck with me:

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, its true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A Place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?: Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place... (also known as a "break" cycle!!!)

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No (or a BFP or BFN)
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

Bu on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
through the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right food with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)