Awake

I can't seem to sleep. My mind is full and my thoughts keep swirling around. I hope that by writing them out I will get some peace and that eventually the sleeping pill I took will kick in...

- I'm missing my little one intensely today. AF arrived today and is a physical reminder that my little one is no longer being carried with me. All day I missed you little one.

-I'm worried about my employer. I'm glad she's finally in a hospital that can help her. However, I know she is scared and feels alone. I know that this is the right decision for her family, but my heart goes out to her.

-I'm concerned that I may be unemployed at the end of this. My employer owns her own business and is a contract employee to another larger company. She was in the middle of negotiating a contract for next year when this all happened. If she is unable to have an income, then they will be unable to afford a nanny.

-I'm physically exhausted by all of this stress over the past week. I am not sleeping well or eating well. I know this is adding to the exhaustion I'm feeling, yet I have a hard time breaking out of this cycle right now.

-I'm anxious about our upcoming IVF cycle review. I am worried about the answers we will receive if any and anxious that Dr O won't have any good news for us if we were to move forward again with IVF.

-IVF... can I do it again? Emotionally it was so difficult. Physically it was really rough on my body. Financially... I may not have a job which is all that could enable us to try again. Our chances last go was 40%. Yet, to have our child I know all of the pain, hurt, discomfort and challenges would be so worth it. For those few weeks when I was carrying our baby it was bliss... I was constantly worried, but it was bliss... a miracle. But if I did conceive again would the baby grow to term? So many, many questions and no answers for now.