IF?

At my 6-week post-partum check-up my OB said something to me that made me really question part of who I thought I was. After the pleasantries she said “You are a fertile, reproductive being. We need to discuss birth control.” Of course I don’t need birth control because of hubby being sterile. I reminded her of that and the appointment continued.

But it made me think. Am I a “fertile, reproductive being” just because I’ve now delivered two healthy babies? I still think of myself as infertile. I still identify with the infertility community. I’m finding it hard to integrate into the “fertile” world.

Initially when we thought that hubby’s zero sperm count was our only problem I still felt like I was fertile. However, after the many years, tests, procedures, surgeries, IUI’s and IVF’s I know that I’m sub-fertile. I made a home of sorts for myself within the infertile community. I was never officially diagnosed as having diminished ovarian reserve because my blood work never supported that diagnosis. My RE did state on more than one occasion that my low antral follicle count would suggest that diagnosis though. My ovaries were hammered with the highest doses of medications and yet produced few, low quality eggs. I’m forever grateful that a few of those imperfect eggs were able to yield gorgeous embryos; three embryos that implanted and two that hung on and became my sons that I was privileged to birth.

I think that for me, I will always feel infertile. It makes me sad at times, but overall, it just is part of who I am. I know that I won’t be able to get pregnant on my own but will need IVF if we tried to conceive again. I know there won’t be an “oops” baby for me. I’m ok with that. I’ve made peace with it. My infertility resolved itself in the form of my two amazing, perfect, beautiful sons. But I’m still infertile. The world at large now looks at me and sees “fertile, reproductive being.” I don’t see it. I feel a bit like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I feel like I need to explain myself when people comment on my fertility. Will I always feel this way? I don’t know. I just know that the years we struggled with infertility have changed me, changed us. We are a stronger couple because of the struggles. We were blessed in that we turned to each other and leaned on each other through all of the heartache and difficulties. I am a stronger woman, and I feel a better mom because of my infertility struggles. I am wiser and calmer as a mom than I would have been 11 years ago when we started trying to conceive. I am grateful for every moment with my precious boys. I don’t know that I would have cherished them as much as I do now if I hadn’t had to work so hard to get them here. Infertility is hard and we pushed through it, but it has made me a better person in so many ways. In a strange way I am grateful for my infertility as I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without having experienced it.