Baby Obsessed

Breastfeeding Update

2012-01-11T19:05:00.000-08:00

We have made it to my original 1 year goal. This past year has been full of ups and downs with breastfeeding. I really didn't like it at first and it was a huge struggle. I now really enjoy nursing my boys. When we decided to introduce solids at 6 months I researched a lot about how to do that and how that would tie in with nursing. We decided to go with baby-led-weaning. A large component of that is to allow the baby to wean from nursing when they are ready. So, that meant that I would be nursing past 1 year old, which made my new long-term goal to nurse until the boys weaned themselves. Typically a baby will wean themselves around 2 years of age.

However, Magnus has had other plans. He has had 3 nursing strikes since the start of November. The first one was 3-4 days in length and I think was tied to a disruption of his schedule due to his Aunt visiting from out-of-town. The second one was 1 1/2 days and was directly related to the mouth sores he had from hand-foot-and-mouth disease. This last strike has been going on for 3 1 /2 weeks. I have no idea how it started or why. I've tried many things to get him back on the breast, but nothing has worked. I've consulted with 2 lactation consultants and tried their suggestions and nothing has helped. He screams and arches his back when put to the breast. The stress of trying to nurse him has started to impact our relationship, which is why I decided to rent a hospital grade pump and pump for Magnus to feed him bottles of expressed milk.

So I am now tied to the milk-bot (name my husband gave the pump) as much as I was when I started breastfeeding. I pump after I nurse Ragnar and feed Magnus his bottle and then have added an extra pumping session at night after they go to bed. It's had a huge impact on our routine since each pumping session adds about 30 minutes to our feeding routine. I'm not sure how long I will pump and feed him via bottle. We have our 1 year appointment next week and depending on how they've done with weight gain I may drop the pumping and move Magnus exclusively to cow's milk at meals. I'm hopeful that he will eventually come back to the breast, but I'm not going to pressure him to do it. I truly do not think that he is weaning himself, but that this is a strike as it was so sudden and so forceful and upsetting to him. At the same time, I'm planning to allow Ragnar to nurse until he is ready to wean. This will make our routine a bit tricky, but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

I am having extreme guilt with the thought of not providing Magnus with breast milk while continuing to provide it for Ragnar through nursing. I'm not sure which is worse- being unavailable to both of them for the 15-30 minutes it takes 3 times a day to pump and clean parts or to not provide pumped milk for Magnus. Ugh. MoMmy guilt!

Happy Birthday!!!

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

My little babies are 1 year old today! Magnus and Ragnar have brought so much joy to my life and were by far the best thing to happen to me in what ended up being a rocky year. I love you baby boys!

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Best Gift EVER!

2011-12-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

Ragnar & Magnus

Nursing Update

2011-12-19T16:02:00.000-08:00

We are fast approaching the 12 month nursing mark. We've had so many ups and downs with nursing, but overall I've been pleased with it. I've been able to give my boys a great start and many antibodies. I am planning on nursing until they are ready to wean on their own. I had hoped that would be around the 18 month or 24 month mark. We are currently nursing at wake-up, after each nap and at bedtime. Occasionally there is an overnight feed around 3 or 4 AM, but that is very rare these days.

I am afraid that Magnus may be starting to wean. He is on another nursing strike. This is his third one since the start of November. The first strike I attributed to a disruption in his routine when my youngest sister visited for a week. His strike lasted 3 1/2 days and then he slowly came back to the breast. During that time and for a week after I ended up using a rented hospital grade pump to pump for him and keep my supply up. The second strike was at the start of him getting hand-foot-and-mouth disease about 2 weeks ago. He didn't nurse for 1 1/2 days. He slowly came back to the breast and seemed to be doing fine with nursing. The latest strike started Saturday night. He has eaten at the breast both Sunday AM and Monday AM, but won't nurse any other times. My freezer stash is almost depleted and I can't seem to find time to pump during the days when they are awake to make up for using the freezer stash. Only time will tell if Magnus is done, but it still makes me sad that we won't have that cuddle time built in each day. Luckily we are very close to the 1 year mark and he can start having cows milk.

Ragnar loves all the extra breast feeding time. I've been having him nurse on both sides (normally they each just nurse on one side per feed then switch to the other side on the next feed) and he has enjoyed the extra milk. He never refuses the breast and uses it as a comforter as well. He nursed MORE during his bout of hand-foot-and-mouth disease even though he had MANY more sores in his mouth than Magnus did.

I'm happy that my boys are both growing well and are healthy. But at the same time I am sad that they are fast approaching toddler-hood and leaving baby-hood behind them. I've loved all the baby times and I'm sure I'll love the toddler times too, but it's hard to see them go.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T21:51:00.001-08:00

We had a lovely first Thanksgiving with our boys. They thoroughly enjoyed their meals. Magnus' favorites were the roast squash, yams & apples, sausage dressing and monkey bread. Ragnar's favorites were the smoked turkey, roast squash, sausage dressing and monkey bread. They both loved their mini pumpkin pies too.

Ragnar & Magnus - Thanksgiving 2011

10 Months Old

2011-11-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

Ragnar & Magnus

Where has the time gone? Magnus and Ragnar are 10 months old. They are amazing. They are wonderful. They bring such joy to my life. They are curious and into everything they can get their little hands on. They are big eaters and are enjoying eating everything we eat. We did baby-led weaning with them and I'm surprised by how much they eat and how well they are able to maneuver food into their mouth either with their hands or spoons. They love watching each other play and many days I hear them laughing and cooing at each other over the baby monitor during nap time. More than once I have walked in to get them after a nap and they are holding hands through their crib rails. Magnus has 8 teeth now and Ragnar has 2. Magnus definitely has curly hair and Ragnar has straight hair that is wavy when wet. They both have amazing, piercing blue eyes. Their personalities are very well defined and very different. Magnus tends to observe and then dive into situations. Ragnar dives in to most situations right away with both hands and both feet! I am so excited for the upcoming holiday season and to see the boys' reactions to all of our holiday traditions. I am so thankful for these boys and for the opportunity I have been given to be their Mama.

9 Months Old!

2011-10-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

My babies are 9 months old! They have been out in the world with us longer than they were in the womb at this point. They are amazing, sweet, rambunctious, adorable, lovable boys. Our days are filled with noise and fun and nights are full of cuddles and kisses before bedtime. They are growing like weeds and are in size 6 month clothes (some 9 month sleepers) and are a few inches away from outgrowing their infant carseats.

Ragnar:
weight- 15 lbs 14 oz
height- 28.2 inches

Magnus:
weight- 16 lbs 12 oz
height- 27 3/4 inches

Busy!

2011-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

My days with the babies are so busy that I haven't had time to update this blog. Our days are filled with lots of activities. We read books, play with toys, they crawl and try to get into everything! We usually have a neighborhood walk each day and also an outing of some sort. I've been tempted to try our local library story time for infants but haven't made it to one yet. Magnus and Ragnar bring so much joy to my life! They are laughing and "talking" so much as well as interacting with each other. We have been taking photos of them each week and it's fun to look back at them and see how quickly they are changing. Here are some recent pictures of them in their fuzzy bear buntings.

Magnus & Ragnar - 8 1/2 months

Magnus - 8 1/2 months

Ragnar - 8 1/2 months

Quick Update

2011-08-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

Wow! Sorry I haven't updated in such a long time. No real excuse, other than life has been busy. :)
Magnus and Ragnar are wonderful. They are doing well. Magnus is very inquisitive and loves to watch what Ragnar does and then mimic it. He also loves reading books and turning the pages on his own. Ragnar is my mover & shaker! He army crawls at an amazing speed and is into EVERYTHING! We will need to really "twin proof" soon.

We had our first road trip/family vacation last week. We spent a week back in our home town visiting family and going to hubby's 20 year high school reunion. The road trip went ok- it took us 16 LONG hours to get there (normally takes 13) and we had to stop every 3 hours for diapers/feeds/stretching. The drive home took 17 HOURS! Waaaaaay too long. Next year we will break the drive up over two days. Magnus and Ragnar had a lot of firsts on our trip- first zoo trip, first carousel ride, first time in kiddie pool, and LOTS of first foods. We had a blast sharing our hometown favorites with them.

Nursing Goal

2011-07-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've made it to my second nursing goal- nursing for 6 months. Nursing has become much easier. The boys latch themselves, eat and then pop off when they are done. We still have hurdles, like teething, biting and fighting with each other when tandem nursing, but we are getting through them. My next short-term goal is to make it to their 1st birthday. Originally this was my long-term goal, but I'm now hoping to nurse them until they wean themselves.

6 Months Old

2011-07-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

My babies are 6 months old! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. They are so much fun and are learning so much every day.

Magnus - 6 Months

Magnus has 2 teeth now and "talks" all the time. He is still more of an observer and cautious before jumping into something new. He has started having a bit of stranger anxiety and is very much a Mama's boy. He loves to snugle and cuddle.

Ragnar- 6 Months

Ragnar is my mover & shaker! The boy can't seem to hold still. He does everything very passionately. He "talks" a lot and rolls/scoots all over the house. He too has a bit of stranger anxiety and freaks out when I leave the room. He is my kisser. He loves to give big kisses and will pull you in for them if you get close.

On the home front... won't say much here as I'm not sure who of my family and friends still read the blog. Things with hubby have been hard as of late and we are working on them. I have hope that it will resolve and we will get past it all and hopefully get back to where we use to be.

NIP

2011-06-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

We were out at low tide on Saturday and we had a great time. After walking around the beach the babies were both hungry, so I decided to feed them before we headed home. We havne't nursed in public very often and I haven't figured out a way to tandem nurse in public. But we are starting to get out more, which means we are getting a lot of practice nursing in public. Because it was raining I nursed them one at a time in the front seat of the car (instead of out on the beach) and papa watched the other baby. He got this cute picture of the 3 or us and I just had to share. It makes my heart happy. :)

Magnus, Mama & Ragnar

A Year Ago

2011-06-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

A year ago we had just found out we were expecting twins. I was full of all sorts of emotions: excitement, fear, concern, elation, but most of all shock. The past year was filled with so many highs and lows. It all culminated in the birth of my amazing sons. Today is their 5 month birthday. I am amazed that they are growing so fast. They visibly learn something new each day and are changing in looks each week as well. Although it is very difficult to be a stay-at-home mom at times, I am so very grateful that we are blessed enough that I am able to be home with them. Even on my most sleep deprived nights, I remind myself how blessed and lucky we are to have two healthy children. Love you my babies!

Magnus- 5 months old

Ragnar - 5 months old

Magnus & Ragnar - 5 months old

Sleep Update

2011-06-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

I’ve been implementing our new sleep plan for over a month now and have seen some positive results. We are in the midst of a major sleep regression (have been for the past week), but other than that things are showing improvement.

1. Bedtime. Routine will slightly be modified to boob, bath, book and then put in bed drowsy but awake. We will allow slight fussing/crying for no more than 5 minutes after being put in their respective co-sleeper and pack n play. (Still sleep in our room- planning to do this until at least 6 months old.) After 5 minutes we’ll return to the room and soothe/calm the child that is crying and leave again. Why 5 minutes? That’s about all the crying I can handle at this point. Plus, I hope that it will help them figure out how to fall asleep on their own.

Results: tried the new routine and the bath woke them up when it was done after the feeding, so we went back to the bath, boob, book routine. They are both falling asleep on their own when put down at bedtime now. Ragnar still wakes up 30-45 minutes after being put to bed. We sometimes let him fuss/cry and then soothe and other times soothe right way (we’re very inconsistent with it) depending on how fussy Magnus was during the day and if he’ll be awoken by the fussing.

2. Night waking. I believe that both Magnus and Ragnar are capable of going longer than 2 hours without being nursed. I KNOW they are capable of it. If it has been less than 3 hours since eating I plan on soothing them back to sleep without nursing them. If they are still fussy/crying and not calmed then I’ll nurse them. But, I won’t automatically assume that they need food each time they wake at night.

Results: This worked beautifully up until last week. Last week they started waking and screaming until being fed. Some nights they are up every 2 hours, other nights every hour and then one random night last week they only got up once. I don’t know if we’ve hit a growth spurt, they are coming down with something or it’s just teething. They both have two bottom teeth that are visible beneath the gum line, so it could be that.

3. Naps. I think our problem is that I’m keeping them awake too long during the day. I’ll keep a better eye on the clock and on Magnus & Ragnar to see when they are showing tired signals. I’ll try to keep them to napping every 2 hours or so for now. I will put both of them down for naps IN THEIR CRIBS each naptime. I will employ the 5 minute cry method and then soothe them. If one falls asleep and the other does not then I’ll keep trying to soothe and get that child to sleep, but if after 1 hour the child isn’t asleep I’ll get him up and play with him until he shows tired signals.

Results: I’ve had GREAT success with naps. They are still taking short naps, but most days they are coordinated. Our routine is that they are up for about 1 ½ hours and then the sleep for 45 minutes to 1 1 /2 hours and then up again for 1 ½ hours etc. The one day that naps get thrown for a loop is Sunday, which is when we are at church for 3 hours in the morning so they don’t get a great nap or nap at the same time. I’ve also been paying attention to their tired signals and trying to put them down for naps at the start of it, which has helped them both fall asleep more quickly.

I'm hopeful that if I stick to the sleep plan/strategies that have worked then my boys will become better sleepers both during the day and the night.

4 Months Old!

2011-05-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Happy 4 month birthday to my sweet boys: Magnus & Ragnar! We had our 4 month old well baby check today and here are their stats:

Magnus- 12 lbs 15 oz and 24.6"
Ragnar- 12 lbs 3.5 oz and 24.8"

They are growing up so fast! They "talk" all of the time and are noticing each other more and more. They hold hands while they nurse and smile at each other across the nursing pillow. (Which can get messy if they have a mouth full of milk!) Ragnar has rolled once from tummy to back and Magnus is REALLY close to rolling from back to tummy. I love seeing how much they learn every day. They are both sleeping much better at night and the daytime naps are SLOWLY getting better and more coordinated.

They are so precious to us. We feel very blessed to be their parents. Love them so much!

Magnus

Ragnar

Magnus & Ragnar

Sleep

2011-04-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sleep is a rare commodity for me these days. My sons are getting bigger and sleeping less. Actually, they are still sleeping quite a lot. Just not at the same time. When they were newborns they slept all the time and consequently slept at the same time. My main concern was WAKING them for their nursing sessions. They were SO hard to keep awake for those early nursing sessions. Looking back at that time now, I’m shocked that we WOKE them to eat. My boys are champion eaters now and NEVER need to be woken for food.

As we approach their 4 month birthday I am starting to contemplate a new sleep plan. I had always thought that with a consistent bedtime and naptime routine that they would sleep and sleep at.the.same.time. However, this is not the case. I’ve read 4 different sleep strategy books at this point and I’m trying to piece together something that will work for Magnus, for Ragnar and for Mama & Papa. I’m in new territory here. As a former nanny and child care professional I have done my share of sleep training. The majority of my sleep training was done with toddlers, but I did have a hand in sleep training an infant as well. I’ve been trying to remember all of my “tricks” for nap training and hoping that it will apply for bedtime sleep as well.

There seem to be a couple of issues we are dealing with that I need to address and resolve.
1. Bedtime. From the day we came home from the hospital we have had a bedtime routine in place. We are consistent. Our routine is: bath, boob, book (read by Papa while they are nursing) then put in bed awake but drowsy. Many nights one or both boys will fall asleep at the boob and sleep through the story to be put in bed asleep. This is the problem- they are asleep and then about 30-45 minutes later awake and cry and cry and are hard to soothe back to sleep. Last night Ragnar was inconsolable. He was held/soothed/patted/rubbed/rocked by my husband for 2 hours. Hubby then went to bed and handed him off to me. I nursed/rocked/patted/held him for an additional hour and he finally fell asleep. This is after he had fallen asleep during the bedtime routine. Magnus generally is soothed back to sleep easily after he wakes up.
2. Night waking. Both Magnus and Ragnar are sleeping for longer stretches at night. At their 2 month appointment my pediatrician suggested that I stop waking them to eat at the same time at night. Generally this is great but, every once in a while it is a pain in the butt. Why? Because I will feed one that wakes to eat, get him burped and back to sleep and just be drifting off to sleep when the other baby will wake to eat. I repeat the feeding, burping, soothing and falling to sleep for me and then baby number 1 will wake to eat again. They do this tag-team approach and it results in very poor sleep for Mama.
3. Naps. In general Magnus is a morning napper and Ragnar is an afternoon napper. This results is Ragnar being cranky in the morning (from tiredness) and Magnus being cranky in the afternoon (from tiredness). Both of them are cranky in the early evening. My hunch is that it is because they are not getting enough sleep during the day. Also, I’ve been pretty inconsistent with napping them in their cribs. I generally let them sleep in their swing, bouncy seat or when I’m desperate in their carseats on a drive or walk. I would love for them both to take naps at the same time during the day in their room in their cribs, but this rarely happens.

After reading the latest sleep book that I’ve purchased I’ve come up with a plan of sorts. Magnus and Ragnar have very different temperaments and I will most likely need to modify the plan as we go along to fit each of them individually, but in general we’ll try to stick to a similar plan.
1. Bedtime. Routine will slightly be modified to boob, bath, book and then put in bed drowsy but awake. We will allow slight fussing/crying for no more than 5 minutes after being put in their respective co-sleeper and pack n play. (Still sleep in our room- planning to do this until at least 6 months old.) After 5 minutes we’ll return to the room and soothe/calm the child that is crying and leave again. Why 5 minutes? That’s about all the crying I can handle at this point. Plus, I hope that it will help them figure out how to fall asleep on their own.
2. Night waking. I believe that both Magnus and Ragnar are capable of going longer than 2 hours without being nursed. I KNOW they are capable of it. If it has been less than 3 hours since eating I plan on soothing them back to sleep without nursing them. If they are still fussy/crying and not calmed then I’ll nurse them. But, I won’t automatically assume that they need food each time they wake at night.
3. Naps. I think our problem is that I’m keeping them awake too long during the day. I’ll keep a better eye on the clock and on Magnus & Ragnar to see when they are showing tired signals. I’ll try to keep them to napping every 2 hours or so for now. I will put both of them down for naps IN THEIR CRIBS each naptime. I will employ the 5 minute cry method and then soothe them. If one falls asleep and the other does not then I’ll keep trying to soothe and get that child to sleep, but if after 1 hour the child isn’t asleep I’ll get him up and play with him until he shows tired signals.

I am also currently keeping a sleep log for Magnus and Ragnar. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to see times when I can stretch their awake or sleep times to get them on the same schedule during the day. I also want to know how much sleep they are actually getting and then adjust bedtimes and naptimes accordingly. Will my plan work? Who knows… but I’ll give it my best shot.

Breastfeeding pt 2

2011-03-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

I've made it to my 2nd short-term breastfeeding goal. I have officially breastfed both of my children for 12 weeks now. It has become easier to do. I've even been able to nurse in public. (Although it is one child at a time- not tandem) The cuddly moments are still few and far between, but they are there. It is feeling less like a full time job and is becoming more enjoyable. I believe this is due to the fact that they are nursing less at night which allows me to get more sleep. My next short-term breastfeeding goal is to make it to 6 months.

Add it up

2011-03-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

• 11 years trying to conceive
• 12 donor sperm IUI cycles
            4 undedicated/unmonitored other than OPK’s
            6 clomid/monitored
            2 inject meds/monitored
• 6 donor sperm ICI cycles at home
• 1 diagnostic laparoscopy surgery
• 3 HSG’s
• 2 years of acupuncture & traditional Chinese medicine
• Countless blood draws/tests
• 2 fertility clinics
• 4 IVF’s
• 2 Egg retrievals
• 2 Embryo transfers
• 1 miscarriage
• 1 long and high risk pregnancy

All for these gorgeous, amazing, perfect sons. They were SO worth the wait.

Magnus

Ragnar

IF?

2011-03-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

At my 6 week post partum check-up my OB said something to me that made me really question part of who I thought I was. After the pleasantries she said “You are a fertile, reproductive being. We need to discuss birth control.” Of course I don’t need birth control because of hubby being sterile. I reminded her of that and the appointment continued.

But it made me think. Am I a “fertile, reproductive being” just because I’ve now delivered two healthy babies? I still think of myself as infertile. I still identify with the infertility community. I’m finding it hard to integrate into the “fertile” world.

Initially when we thought that hubby’s zero sperm count was our only problem I still felt like I was fertile. However, after the many years, tests, procedures, surgeries, IUI’s and IVF’s I know that I’m sub-fertile. I made a home of sorts for myself within the infertile community. I was never officially diagnosed as having diminished ovarian reserve because my blood work never supported that diagnosis. My RE did state on more than one occasion that my low antral follicle count would suggest that diagnosis though. My ovaries were hammered with the highest doses of medications and yet produced few, low quality eggs. I’m forever grateful that a few of those imperfect eggs were able to yield gorgeous embryos; three embryos that implanted and two that hung on and became my sons that I was privileged to birth.

I think that for me, I will always feel infertile. It makes me sad at times, but overall it just is part of who I am. I know that I won’t be able to get pregnant on my own but will need IVF if we tried to conceive again. I know there won’t be an “oops” baby for me. I’m ok with that. I’ve made peace with it. My infertility resolved itself in the form of my two amazing, perfect, beautiful sons. But, I’m still infertile. The world at large now looks at me and sees “fertile, reproductive being.” I don’t see it. I feel a bit like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I feel like I need to explain myself when people comment on my fertility. Will I always feel this way? I don’t know. I just know that the years we struggled with infertility have changed me, changed us. We are a stronger couple because of the struggles. We were blessed in that we turned to each other and leaned on each other through all of the heartache and difficulties. I am a stronger woman and I feel a better mom because of my infertility struggles. I am wiser and calmer as a mom than I would have been 11 years ago when we started trying to conceive. I am grateful for every moment with my precious boys. I don’t know that I would have cherished them as much as I do now if I hadn’t had to work so hard to get them here. Infertility is hard and we pushed through it, but it has made me a better person in so many ways. In a strange way I am grateful for my infertility as I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without having experienced it.

2 Months Old

2011-03-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

Wow! The past 2 months have flown by. I can't believe my little ones have been with us for 8 weeks now. They are growing and changing so much every day. I'm getting lots of smiles, giggles and coos when they see me or their papa. So much fun!

Ragnar & Magnus

Breastfeeding

2011-02-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

I read a great book while pregnant - Mother Multiples. In the book it stated that to accomplish something you need to set short-term reachable goals as well as long term goals. They suggested that short-term and long-term goals be set in regards to breastfeeding.

Well- I've made my first short-term goal of breastfeeding for at least 6 weeks. I'm really proud of myself. It has been hard at times and a lot of the time I don't enjoy it, but I've stuck it out. I'm now going to set a goal of nursing for another 6 weeks. My long-term goal is 1 year.

While learning to breastfeed we've encountered the following:

• low milk supply (while waiting for milk to come in) which necessitated the introduction of formula
• finger feeding
• SNS feeding at the breast
• gavage tube (while in the NICU)
• nipple shield use
• supplemental bottles of formula
• supplemental bottles of formula/expressed breast milk
• supplemental bottles of expressed breast milk
• too fast of let-down/choking episodes
• tandem nursing
• fenugreek supplements (for mom)

I am really lucky in that at this point both boys are being exclusively nursed. I am still pumping at night after feeds and sometimes during the day with the hospital pump that we rented. I use this milk in a "top off" bottle that we give them after they nurse at bedtime. I am also freezing a lot of this milk. I'm hoping that when the rental period is done this time (in March) that I will feel comfortable returning the pump. The kiddos seem to have mastered nursing and are usually done with a feeding session between 10-25 minutes. They are both gaining appropriately and the pediatrician is happy with their current weights.

Breastfeeding is not what I thought it would be. In the beginning it was tough. Really, really tough. The mechanics of it have gotten better, but I still don't have a lot of "cuddly" moments while nursing. For the most part our nursing sessions are just feeding sessions. I'm hoping as we all get more accustomed to tandem nursing that it will become more enjoyable and feel less like a chore. I am committed to giving my babies breast milk as I know it is the best for them. I'm glad they can get it at the breast now as it makes my life a lot easier.

1 Month

2011-01-31T09:44:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that my guys have been here for 4 weeks! Time has really gone by fast and much of last month is a blur to me. There have been so many firsts and so many hours of loving and getting to know my little ones. Here are some pictures DH took of them at one month.

Ragnar & Magnus

Magnus

Magnus (and Mortimer)

Ragnar

Ragnar (and Elwood)

NICU

2011-01-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

A few hours after their birth on Sunday the 2nd, both Magnus and Ragnar had their blood sugar tested. This was something we knew would happen as I had gestational diabetes for the last month of the pregnancy. Ragnar's blood work was fine- a bit low, but still in the normal range. Magnus was below where they wanted to see him so a NICU nurse was called to our room to evaluate. She immediately wanted to take him to the NICU, but we asked to try and feed him again and see how he responded. After giving him the colostrum I had pumped prior to giving birth and feeding him colostrum from after the birth he was retested and the level had dropped again. At this point our pediatrician was called and she suggested he go to the NICU for observation. I was heartbroken, but DH went with him and I knew he was in good hands.

Magnus in NICU

During the observation it was discovered that Magnus was unable to regulate his temperature. He had stayed warm on me because we were doing skin-to-skin. When removed from mama and put in a crib, his temp plummeted. Once at the NICU his blood sugar had climbed back up to 45 - it was low but in an approved range. He was put in an incubator under a heat lamp while his blood sugar continued to be monitored. 30 minutes later his sugar was back down to 30. During this time the doctors insisted we put in an IV, but DH worked with them to try to get some high calorie formula into his system to see if it would come back up again. Unfortunately it dropped even further to 16. At that point it became critical that it be brought up and feeding wasn't doing it. It was agreed to put in an IV and after trying several sites they ended up running it into the large vein in the crook of his arm in the interest of getting it run quickly. They had to strap a board to his arm to keep it straight and prevent him from pulling out or damaging the IV. They gave him glucose and got his blood sugar back up. He was admitted to the NICU and our pediatrician turned care over to the neonatologists on call in the NICU. Over the next few hours his glucose IV was adjusted and he had repeated heel sticks to measure his blood sugar. I was allowed to get out of bed and come to the NICU to see him 6 hours post surgery. He looked so fragile in the incubator and I prayed that his little body would adjust quickly and begin to regulate the blood sugar and temp on its own.

Magnus in the incubator

DH stayed overnight in Magnus' room. Magnus had blood sugar tested every 3 hours. On Monday I was able to visit every 3 hours to give them the colostrum/milk I had pumped for him. The Dr would try to lower the IV fluids when Magnus had a good blood sugar number, but inevitably it would have to be raised again after a low test. By the end of Monday Magnus was able to regulate his body heat and was put in a regular crib.

Magnus and Ragnar sharing a crib in the NICU during a visit (you can see Magnus' boarded arm up top)

DH once again stayed overnight with Magnus. Tuesday morning Ragnar and I were discharged from the

hospital and we packed our stuff and headed over to the NICU to stay with Magnus. The nurses there were great and helped us get set up. They even brought in another crib for Ragnar. The IV line that was placed continued to get jostled as Magnus moved and a new line was suggested. They finally found a spot on his head and got a line going. This looked awful, but was so much more comfortable for Magnus. We continued the rollercoaster of good blood sugar numbers, followed by the lowering of the glucose in the IV, followed by low numbers, followed by the raising of the glucose in the IV. With the IV line in his head I was allowed to nurse Magnus. This seemed to be going well. We did several weigh-feed-weigh sessions that showed he was indeed getting milk.

Magnus with his scalp IV

We were together as a family in the NICU on Tuesday night. Magnus continued to get heel sticks and tests every 3 hours. His poor feet were covered in bruises. His arms and hands were covered in bruises from the numerous times they attempted IV lines. I felt so awful for him. But through it all, he had such a peace about him and was such a trooper.

Wednesday was much of the same as Tuesday. Formula was introduced in the form of a gavage line. I now was allowed to nurse him and then they would give him formula through the tube directly into his stomach. The food did not seem to make a difference in his blood sugar levels.

Thursday my mom arrived and DH was able to spend the night at home and get a good night sleep while she stayed with us in the NICU. Overnight Magnus' blood sugar tests were great and it was decided to continue lowering the glucose in the IV until he was down to none. After he had 2 great tests with no glucose they removed his IV line. HOORAY! At that point he was no longer nursing effectively and usually only ate 2-4mL per nursing session. Because of this he was not immediately discharged.

On Friday morning our nurse told us that if we could get Magnus to prove he could eat 40-50mL in a feeding that she would go to the Dr and fight for us to get discharged. We decided to follow her advice and began feeding Magnus pumped milk and formula via a bottle. He took to the bottle pretty quickly. During the day we also had his hearing tested (perfect) and he had his car seat test (perfect.) After 4 feedings on the bottle the neonatologist stopped by and told us we could leave. YES!

When DH heard the news he started packing. He and mom took all of our stuff down to the car and came back for me and the babies. Our nurse was surprised at how quickly we were ready to leave, but we just wanted our family to be home! She escorted us out of the hospital and the boys had their first car ride. They both promptly fell asleep in the back seat-- as did I.

Ragnar (blue hat) & Magnus (red hat) in going home outfits

Ragnar (blue hat) & Magnus (red hat) all ready to go home

EDD & Birth Story

2011-01-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Today is my boys' EDD. Obviously, we didn't make it that far... but it's a good day to reflect on their birth. We had scheduled the c-section a few weeks prior to the date and only told my parents about it ahead of time to avoid needing to call and update folks right away. We arrived at the hospital on 1-2-11 at 9 AM for check-in. They took us up to our room and started the paperwork. Our doula, Kate, arrived and helped lighten the mood as I was very nervous. The nurse I had assigned to me, Elizabeth, was great. She was upbeat and kind. She was able to get my IV started after only 2 attempts. The anesthesiologist was running late for my 10:30 c-section because he was placing an epidural. He finally showed up at 10:20 and then ordered some blood work done (because of my PIH) before he would place the spinal. My nurse attempted to draw the blood, but due to not drinking for 12+ hours I was dehydrated and she couldn't find a vein easily. She then called the phlebotomist in and she drew the blood and they sent it for testing. At this point it was after 11 and my Dr was very antsy. She poked her head in and cracked some jokes and told us she would track down the test results so we could get "this party started." The tests came back fine and I was told all the risks of the spinal and told how it would be administered. I was EXTREMELY nervous about the spinal. Of the whole c-section surgery, that was what I was most nervous about... a needle going into my back. I'm FINE with needles- I did all of my IVF injects except the IM's by myself and had all the blood draws- with no problems. But the thought of a needle in my spine- YIKES!! My hubby, doula and the Dr's helped calm my nerves. We all walked to the elevator and went to the OR. It was cold in there. They had DH and my doula gown up and wait outside while they positioned me on the table. I sat on the edge trying to curl around my enormous belly to push my lower back out enough for the spinal. DH and my doula came in and I clung to my hubby. He said calming things in my ear as the Dr attempted the spinal. The numbing shots were fine- just a small pinch. Then he tried to place the spinal. I felt sharp zinging pain down the left side. He tried again- pain on the right. They repositioned me and tried again, and again. I was hyperventilating by this point. Finally on the 5th attempt it was placed and I was laid down, a drape place and I was sobbing. DH tried calming me, but I was in full-blown panic attack mode at this point. Finally, he got through to me and I calmed down. They tested to see if I could feel anything, and I couldn't so the surgery started. I felt some tugging and a lot of pressure and I heard "here they come" and "oh, he has his hand in his brother's mouth!" and then I heard the most beautiful sound- my son crying. My Dr held him up to the window in the drape for me to see and then he was whisked away to the warming table and the NICU nurses to be checked out. Before I could turn back, my other son was held up to the window for me to see and then taken to the table as well. They both had great APGAR scores at 1 and 5 minutes. My doula and DH brought the babies to me and we did skin-to-skin which was heavenly. Magnus tried to nurse right away and Ragnar just cuddled on me. After I was all sewn up we were all wheeled to the room again and were able to get to know each other for a few hours. Then Magnus' blood sugar took a dive and he was sent to the NICU for observation... but that's for another post. Here are a few pics of my babies:

Operating Room family pic

Ragnar

Magnus

They are here!

2011-01-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

A quick update from the hospital...

Our boys were delievered via c-section this past Sunday, Jan 2nd. (This was 37w1d) Magnus Alvin weighed 5 lbs 5 oz and was 18 1/3" long. Ragnar Ludwig weighed 6 lbs 0 oz and was 19" long. Both boys are gorgeous and perfect. Magnus has had some issues with his blood sugars and was admitted to the NICU approximately 4 hours post birth and is still there. Ragnar and I were both discharged from the hospital Tuesday. Luckily, our hospital has private NICU rooms so we have moved in with Magnus in his NICU room.

Time is flying and a blur right now. Once we are home I'll do a better birth story post and have the patience and time to upload pictures. For now we are all together and I am loving, loving, loving my little men.

35w3d

2010-12-21T11:56:00.000-08:00

I've been having a lot of appointments as of late due to the pre-e and gestational diabetes. At the last growth scan on Friday it was difficult for them to get all of the measurements because the boys are getting so big. :) They estimate that Baby A is 5 lbs 10 oz and Baby B is 4 lbs 13 oz. The flow of blood through their cords is also slowing down which is prompting a 37w delivery. Baby A is still breech so we will most likely be having a c-section. If by some miracle Baby A flips then we will have an induction around 37w instead.

My blood sugars seem to be controlled with the diet change and meds for now. It's crazy, but now that I can't have certain things, they are ALL that I crave. Things I haven't had forever- like doughnuts. But, the good news is once I am delivered my blood sugars should return to normal within a few hours and I can then have sweets again. :)

My blood pressure is still a bit high, but they aren't too concerned especially with as frequently as I'm being seen. Most weeks I have at least 3 Dr appointments which include 2 NST's and 1 BPP u/s.
I can't believe that my boys will be here so soon! I'm really going to miss feeling them move and squirm in my belly. I can't wait to see them and see what they look like and get to know their personalities out of the womb. I feel like I have a good idea of their personalities in the womb already and they are two very different little boys. :)

Hubby and I are trying to enjoy our last few weeks as a couple. It's been nice to have this last Christmas together as a couple and imagine how different our next holiday season will be. :) We were hoping to go out to eat and maybe a movie but it's so hard with my bedrest restrictions. Plus, most days I just don't feel like going out. We have been watching a lot of movies at home, which has been great.

Belly Photos 34w1d

2010-12-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

Hubby took a couple of more belly photos for me today. I love how they turned out.

Pregnancy Photos

2010-12-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hubby did some pregnancy photos on Sunday. I'm happy with how these turned out. We are hoping to do a few more photos this upcoming weekend. I've been so hesitant to have any belly pictures taken, but now as we are getting to the end of the pregnancy, I know how much I'll miss having my babies in me and I want to document it as much as I can.

Home Again

2010-12-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

I got released from the hospital yesterday. Yeah! They ended up keeping me two days because it turns out the first Dr misinformed me and I do have gestational diabetes. 2 of the 3 values on the 2 hour fasting glucose test were 1 point over the new cut off. I was taught how to slightly change my diet and monitor blood sugar. My blood sugars were out of whack in the hospital because of the steroid shots. But, by yesterday morning they had stabilized and I was allowed to go home.

My instructions now that I am home are to follow the GD diet, monitor blood sugar 6 times a day and take an oral diabetic med 3 times a day. My preeclampsia is very mild, which is great news. We are hoping that it will not progress quickly so that we can keep the babies in a couple of more weeks. I've been placed on a stricter "modified" bedrest than before. Basically, they want me resting with my feet up all the time, but I'm allowed to get up to grab food, use the bathroom, shower and go to Dr appointments. My appointments have doubled. I now will have 2x a week NST & BPP ultra sounds with MFM and will see the diabetic RN once a week as well. I also have weekly appointments with my OB moving forward. One of the MFM Dr's that checked in with me yesterday told me it would be good to bring my hospital bag to each appointment- because at any one of them coming up I could be told we are going to deliver.

The whole breech/vertex trying to flip babies is stressing me out. I'm going to try the acupuncture/moxa, chiro thing and then leave it in the Lord's hands. I would love to experience a vaginal delivery for many reasons, but my stressing out about it isn't helping anyone. If it works and we have two head down babies- great, if not- then I'm trying to reconcile myself to a c-section.

I'm doing much better emotionally now that I am home again. It was so stressful and scary to be in the hospital and not have "control" over what was happening. I'm glad that they did find out about these two new diagnosis' so that we can take proactive steps. I'm hoping that the next time I'm hospitalized it's at least two weeks from now and it's to deliver the boys. It looks like we will get to that 2 week mark at this point as the boys don't seem to have been affected by any of this. All of the NST's in the hospital and u/s's show that they are doing fine. It's a huge relief to know that they aren't being negatively impacted.

33w2d Update

2010-12-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

Today I had a busy day scheduled of tests and appointments. I was doing a repeat glucose test. This time it was a fasting 2 hour test. My OB explained to me (at my last appointment last Thursday) that the guidelines for the test had recently changed from the 1 hour non-fasting test or the 3 hour fasting test to a 2 hour fasting test. My blood pressure was also a bit elevated at my last OB appointment so she ordered another 24 hour urine collection test to check for spilled protein. She suggested I do it on Sunday and just bring it to my glucose test on Monday morning. I did as she suggested and brought it to the glucose test. The test itself was boring. I did get a bit shaky towards the end, but that was it. After the test I ate a peanut butter sandwich that I had brought with me and a bunch of almonds. I felt much better after the food/protein.
I then headed over to MFM for my weekly NST and a cervix check u/s. My blood pressure was high in the NST room- 139/82. They suggested I lay there and relax during the test and then we would re-check. The boys did great for the NST this time. They then re-checked my blood pressure and it went up again to – 145/91. At this point they ordered a urine test to check for protein and I explained that I had JUST dropped off the 24 hour jug, but went ahead with their test as well. (No protein was found in this test) I then had the cervix check and it is shorter, but not concerning at this point. The boys looked great on u/s- had the right fluid levels, heartbeats and all the other good stuff they check for. They kept asking me the classic preeclampsia questions and the only one I could say I did have was a headache. I’ve had a headache since Saturday afternoon. It’s been pretty bad, but my blood pressure at home hasn’t reflected a rise, so I wasn’t that concerned. The u/s tech left and I waited for a Dr to go over results and send me on my way. But, then the tech came back and told me that the Dr (not my regular one- she was out) wanted a bio-physical profile u/s to double check on the boys because of my headache/high blood pressure. So… I had that done. The boys both passed with flying colors. The Dr then came in and told me she was concerned about me (not the boys) and wanted to admit me to the hospital for a couple of days for observations, but that she would check in with my primary OB and get back to me. WHAT?!? I mean, I know my blood pressure was a bit high, but it has been MUCH higher than this. She didn’t get a hold of my regular OB (off duty) but spoke with her partner and they agreed to admit me for the purpose of monitoring the babies, monitoring my blood pressure and administering steroid shots to help the boys’ lungs mature.

So, for now I am in the hospital. My test results came back and my glucose test had 2 values that were in the normal range and one that was out of the normal range, but the Dr wasn’t concerned. My 24 hour test was *barely* over the limit. They want it under 300 and it was at 340. My blood pressure has been much lower in the hospital. At admission it was 132/80 and at the most recent check tonight it was 123/74. I’m hoping after my second steroid shot tomorrow I will be discharged. Also, my regular OB will be back tomorrow so I can go over all the results with her and figure out her plan.

Luckily, we have great insurance that will cover all of this hospitalization. If it didn’t, I would be a bit upset and stressed. As it is, I’m trying to roll with everything and stay calm. So far – so good. The biggest relief is that none of this seems to be affecting the boys. Hang on babies… just 2 more weeks and we’ll be at 35 weeks and you’ll have a much higher likely hood of coming home with us with no NICU time.

1st NST

2010-12-01T13:08:00.000-08:00

I had my 1st Non-Stress Test today. It was interesting. They found the boys' heartbeats and placed the monitors. Then every couple of minutes they had to come back and readjust because the boys were moving so much. After 1/2 and hour they hadn't seen the proper number of accelerations of heart rates for either baby. So, they consulted with Dr Paek. She ordered an u/s. Luckily, they had an u/s room available. I went there and an intern did my u/s. Through all of this my blood pressure was elevated- so they kept monitoring it until it dropped back to normal. Also, I lost 3 1/2 lbs from last week, which they were a bit concerned about.

After an hour of trying to get all the measurements another u/s tech came in and found 3 of the 4 right away. She continued looking for the last measurement while the intern took the u/s report to Dr Paek. Dr Paek came in and isn't concerned at all. The boys look fine on u/s and I come back in a week for another NST and a cervix check u/s.

I have an appointment with my primary OB tomorrow. I'm hoping to go over a few labor items that came up with our doula last week. I'm also hoping to find out if there is anyway to relieve all the pain I've been having. I have a feeling there isn't, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Anatomy Scan

2010-11-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

We had our almost 32 week (31w2d) anatomy scan of the boys on Monday. They are both doing well. They are estimated to be 4 lbs 4 oz and 4 lbs 5 oz. They are measuring in the 70th percentile which is ahead of even singletons at this point. They both are practicing breathing and growing well. My cervix is looking great, so I've been taken off of ibuprofen again. Overall my Dr is really happy with how the pregnancy is progressing. I have an appointment with her in 2 weeks and set up our 4 week appointment too- which is the week of Christmas. It is crazy to think that we are getting so close to delivery!

MFM update

2010-11-15T22:03:00.000-08:00

Cervix check went well today. It is the same length as last week. I saw y regular Dr there and she isn't concerned and is backing my meds down to 1x a day. I've gained 4 lbs this last week which is concerning. My Dr believes it is water weight and told me to push fluids. Baby A is still breech and Baby B is vertex. I checked out the spinning babies website today and we may try some of the moves to get Baby A to flip.

I had a great church baby shower on Saturday. We got two big group gifts- our double snap n go and our baby monitors. We also received a bunch of clothes, my diaper bag and gift cards. It was so nice to have the women in my church do this for us. My sister came up for the weekend and attended the baby shower along with my best friend. My sister was able to help me get more stuff done around the house including setting up our co-sleeper and organizing the linen closet to make room for baby items. She's the best!

Hubby and I have figured out what else we need and have started purchasing the bits and pieces to finish our layette and the nursery. We ordered the "baby condiments" as hubby calls them today. (diaper wipes, baby shampoo/soap, baby lotion, diaper cream) I've been using online ordering as I'm still on modified bedrest. I did do some quick shopping at a consignment store today and was able to get 4 sleep n'play 0-3 month size outfits and 3 pairs of 0-3 month size pants for $15. However, after shopping I was SUPER tired and had to come home for a nap.

I'm looking forward to our first prenatal appointment with our doula Kate tomorrow night. I'm excited to start working out a plan for our birth and learning coping techniques. We have figured out a lot of our preferences for the birth and we are both aware that we will need to stay very flexible with what we've chosen as so much can change and change quickly with a multiple birth.

Hubby has been so wonderful through all of this. He cooks, cleans, runs errands, takes care of the dogs, takes care of me and works full time. I'm so blessed to have him as my husband. He's so excited to be a papa and is going to be great.

Crafty!

2010-11-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of time on my hands and with that time I've been doing some sewing. Here are some of the items I've completed:

The first quilt was made by my mother-in-law prior to her passing away 5 years ago. We found it among her belongings shortly after she passed away with a note on it for my husband and I to have it for any future children. We took it home with us at that time. It was almost completely done. She had pieced it, done the binding and backing and was in the process of hand quilting it. I finished the remaining blocks by machine quilting.

The second quilt was also made by my mother-in-law for us prior to her passing. When my husband phoned his step-dad to let him know we were having twins his step-dad told him he had just found a quilt top with our name on it. Wow! It had been 5 years by this point and he had JUST found this quilt top for our future children. I think my mother-in-law knew what she was doing. :) This was sent to me as just a quilt top. I found a cute flannel fabric for the backing and tried to match the binding to the blue on the front of the quilt. I then quilted it all together and bound it. I'm really happy with the finished product and overjoyed that our boys will each have a special quilt from their deceased grandmother.

This quilt was made by me. It is another one made from the Elizabeth Hartman pattern I bought last year. I decided I wanted to make quilts that were the same pattern but different colors for the boys. This one is oranges and browns with green accents. This quilt and the other both have an animal print for the main print and also have an owl print. (Hubby loves owls.) I love these fabrics and had a great time putting it all together. The quilt is backed in very soft minky.

This is the second quilt I made. It is in greens and whites with an orange accent. I love that both quilts have animal prints and they each have a color from the other quilt- yet they are each unique. The fabrics in this one are adorable too. I love them! I hope our boys will love snuggling with these quilts as much as I loved making them for them.

This last project is something I made for an online baby shower I'm participating in. I decided to make some "boutique" burpcloths. I found this adorable ladybug fabric (the nursery theme for the gal I'm giving to) and then got some coordinating fabric to go with it. I added the fabric edges to the burpcloths and voila- "boutique" burpcloths. I love how they turned out. Hopefully, she will love them too.

Now that I have these baby projects done I'm going to start on some Christmas projects. The first is finishing my winter/Christmas quilt that I started last year. It is pieced together and I need to quilt the backing to it and bind it. But, I'm far to big to be crawling around and pinning it together so I will wait until my sister is in town this weekend for her to help me. The other 2 projects are needlepoint Christmas stockings for the boys. I haven't done needlepoint in a LONG time, so hopefully I'll remember how it goes quickly. My goal is to finish these 3 projects this month or at LEAST before the babies arrive.

Doctor Updates

2010-11-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

I had two appointments yesterday. The first was with a lactation consultant at the breastfeeding center at our hospital. The second was with MFM for a quick cervix check.

The lactation nurse was amazing. She really asked me a lot of good questions regarding what I wanted to get out of our meeting. She had great suggestions for things for me to do once the babies are here to try and get them both exclusively breastfeeding. She pointed out that with twins it can take a long time to figure it all out- especially if they are early. It was good to hear that there is a "normal range" like any other developmental milestone for breastfeeding with babies. I am happy with how everything went and feel much more confident after practicing some positioning with weighted baby dolls. My arms were SORE after all that holding. Hopefully I'll have babies a bit smaller than 8#'s each, just so I can build up to that weight.

My MFM ultra sound was really quick. They also did a fFN test. (The nurse called later and the test was negative.) But then my Dr was in surgery so I waited and waited. Finally they asked if I would be willing to see another Dr. Of course! It was someone I had seen before. She looked over past u/s's and told me she is concerned because my cervix is once again shortening. It is 1 cm shorter than 2 weeks ago when Dr P took me off of the meds. So Dr C put me back on ibuprofen 3x a day and I go back in a week to be re-checked by Dr P. It's a bit disappointing that this continues to happen. I feel like once again my body is failing me. But, good news during the u/s too. The tech was able to see (and show me) that both babies are practicing breathing. Yippee! So if they do come early there is less of a chance of them needing a lot of breathing assistance. The babies are getting so big. Plus, I am starting to see differences on the u/s with their facial features which leads me to believe we have fraternal boys a baking. It's hard to see in the pictures below, but Baby A's nose is becoming a bit longer and Baby B's nose is still snub like mine. I am loving these little ones soooo much! Baby A is breech still and Baby B is still vertex. They still have time to move, so I'm hoping Baby A will flip soon.

SPD

2010-11-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

I had my 28 week appointment with the OB yesterday. I came with a list of questions and was holding them when she came in. She said "Oh? You have questions? I'll go over my stuff then we'll go over yours." Yeah! I now know how to get her to slow down and answer my questions. Blood pressure, urine test, baby heartbeats and measurements/weight gain were all fine. She wants to see me in 3 weeks and then after that every two weeks.

I asked her my questions. First one was about the horrible pain I have been having centered on my pubic bone when I walk, roll over in bed, stand up from sitting, sit down from standing, etc. She told me it was symphysis pubic dysfunction, which is what I figured. Basically the cartilage in my pubic bone is popping in and out of place as everything relaxes (preparing for birth) and gets inflamed. She said that there really isn't anything to do for it. She told me that some women find relief with floating in water or a belly band. My other questions were all relating to delivery. Basically, she won't commit to anything until we are closer as the babies could move, my health could decrease or we could run into another problem. She said she and her partner are happy to do vaginal deliveries, but that she sees 3 things working against me: my weight (overweight starting pregnancy), the babies weights/sizes (still measuring about 1- 1 1/2 weeks ahead) and that this is my first birth/delivery. So- we won't know what type of delivery up until delivery. Great. But, I'm glad she is open to a vaginal delivery at all. When I went to check out there weren't any appointments available in 3 weeks so I'll see her in 4 weeks.

After my appointment I wandered down two floors to the maternity/infant boutique and the breastfeeding clinic. I signed up for an appointment next week to meet with a lactation nurse to go over what to expect and how to prepare for breastfeeding twins. I'll have the appointment right before a cervix check at MFM.

I am almost finished with the last baby quilt and will hopefully post pictures later this week of all 4 of the ones I had a hand in making. I did finish the baby shower gift and I'm mailing it off today. Hopefully the gal I'm sending it to will like it. Our new washer and dryer that we ordered about 3 weeks ago was delivered on Monday and I've been slowly washing all of the baby stuff we have. I'm almost through with all of the washing and have been trying to figure out what to do to organize it. So far I have size newborn and 0-3 months in the dresser. The rest of the clothes 3m-18m I have hanging in the closet. I have the hats and socks regardless of size in the dresser. I have NO idea where I'm going to put all of the blankets. But, I'm sure I'll figure it out

27w4d

2010-10-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment with MFM on Monday to do an anatomy scan of the boys and check my cervix. The cervix is back to the normal range. Woo-hoo! The plan moving forward is to stop all ibuprofen, continue modified bedrest and follow up in 2 weeks. Dr P did say that if I have a lot of contractions I should take some ibuprofen to calm it down. The boys have doubled in size since last scan! Baby A is breech right now (stinker!) and his weight is estimated at 2 lbs 11 ounces. Baby B is vertext right now and his weight is estimated at 2 lbs 12 ounces. All of their organs are growing appropriately and they have the right amount of amniotic fluid. It was fun seeing how big they have gotten. My blood pressure is still under control with the 2 x a day meds.

The babies are moving around A LOT now and I love feeling it. (That is when it isn't painful!) Last night I think I felt Baby B have hiccups. It was a lot of what felt like rhythmic bouncing. :) I am starting to be able to distinguish between kicks/punches and rolling movements. Every once in awhile a baby will do something and if I'm watching my belly I can see my belly move.

Our doula search has gone well. We met with 4 doulas of varying ages and experience levels. We found our doula last week. After she left our home we looked at each other and both said "she's the one!" We finished our final interview on Monday of this week just to make sure that last week's doula was THE one. She is! I'm really excited that we'll be working with Kate. She is the right mix of care, compassion and practicality that we need. Hubby is attending a class she is teaching next week that is for partners only all about support methods. We are tentatively scheduling our first prenatal appointment with her for the week before Thanksgiving. She suggested we get both of our prenatal appointments done before 35 weeks, just in case the babies make their apperance around then.

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday and it was nice. I spent the day relaxing at home. I had many phone calls and emails from friends and family wishing me well. It was nice to have down time to reflect on the last year. Every year for the last 11 years on my birthday my "birthday wish" has been to be pregnant or have children soon. This year I didn't have to wish for that and it was wonderful. My wish this year is that my body will be strong enough to grow these babies to term.

I've been keeping busy with crafts as well. I have a baby shower gift to finish for an online shower I'm participating in. I'm also finishing the quilt my mother-in-law pieced for our children before she passed away. I have a winter quilt to finish too. I will post pictures of the projects once I get them finished. So far since I stopped working I've finished 3 baby quilts. It takes me a bit longer now, as I have to rest after being upright sewing, but I'm confident I'll get them done soon.

Cervix Update

2010-10-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

I had my re-check with MFM today to check the length of my cervix. It was good. It is a bit longer than last week. My Dr wants to start seeing me every 2 weeks if next week's anatomy scan is fine. She is having me continue with the meds and modified bedrest "couch potato rest." I'm glad that these changes have helped the cervix. The boys looked great and are not having any negative side effects from the meds. Baby A moved out of his head-down position that he has been in since week 10. He was transverse! Baby B was also transverse. Both of them have their heads on my right side and feet kicking the left side.

Ffn test came back negative from last check. They will re-do it at the anatomy scan. AND I passed the 1 hour glucose test, which is a huge relief.

25w3d Update

2010-10-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the babies move all the time now! It's great! They both are active and usually are active at the same time. It's crazy that they are getting so big and strong to the point that sometimes I can see their movement in my belly. :)

I did my repeat 1 hour glucose test yesterday. I think I will get the results at my OB appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping that once again I've passed it. We shall see.

I had my bi-weekly MFM appointment yesterday. I'm glad I did. Over the weekend I felt a lot of vaginal pressure and had a bunch of contractions. The appointment was a quick cervix u/s and blood pressure check. Blood pressure is doing well with being on the meds 2x a day. Cervix is not doing so well. It has shortened quite a bit since the last u/s 2 weeks ago. They did a FFN swab to check if the cervix is also softening and I found out today that the test was negative, which is good. Dr P prescribed 600mg of ibuprofen 3x a day and resting with my feet up as much as possible to combat the shorter cervix. She said that this *could* be the start of pre-term labor, so we need to watch it closely. I have an appointment for next Monday to do another cervix check. I hope it's the same length or longer. I NEED to keep these babies in as long as possible. Oh- and all the pressure I felt was most likely because both boys are head down and fighting to be on top of my cervix. In fact, Baby A was pummeling my cervix with his little fist during the u/s. What a stinker!

24w2d

2010-10-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

I haven’t blogged at all about meeting with my new OB (now that the midwives can’t cover me) because I’m still quite upset about it. All I will say for now is that she was what I expected, and not at all what I had hoped for. With that being said (hubby thinks I may have gone into the meeting with too many hormones running around) I’m sure she will be able to get me safely delivered and hopefully I’ll be able to have some of the things I’d like done as well.

Last Monday we had another anatomy scan at MFM. Both boys look great. They are each measuring about 1.5 lbs. We finally were able to get all of the heart measurements on Baby A and all looks well. Baby A for now is head down and Baby B is transverse with his head on Baby A’s feet so he received a lot of head kicks during the ultra sound. My blood pressure was high at the Dr's office so I've been bumped to taking the beta blocker two times a day now. Here are some adorable pictures of my boys:

Baby A profile

Baby B profile

Baby B 3-D face

On Thursday my two sisters, my parents and my grandmother arrived for a visit and for my baby shower. It was so nice to see my family again. We had a great time together. They were super helpful. They cleaned my whole house- twice. They helped my husband finish putting together the nursery. They pampered, spoiled and took fantastic care of me. One sister left last night and the rest left this morning (about 20 minutes ago.) I miss them all already.

Baby Shower! My two BFF’s threw me a wonderful open house baby shower on Saturday. It was perfect. I’m not a baby shower game person, and they knew that so I wasn’t exposed to that ridiculousness. I was able to chat with dear friends and family. I was extremely showered with gifts. It was fantastic. Our little guys have plenty of clothes to get them through their early months. It was overwhelming to look at the stack of opened gifts. I am so very blessed.

Now that we have the nursery mostly put together and clothes for the boys I’m having a hard time not freaking out. I’m concerned that somehow I’m jinxing the pregnancy or the boys’ health by doing these things early. At this point I’m not to viability and I’m still a wreck. I had a mini breakdown right before the shower and then a couple after the shower, but luckily I have a great husband that can talk me down from my anxiety produced freak outs. I know that it isn’t logical to feel this way, but it lurks in the back of my mind.

This week we interview our #1 choice for a pediatrician. She has come highly recommended by several people. I am familiar with the practice as well (the girls I nannied went there) and it’s close to home which is great. I hope that our meet-and-greet goes well and we will have one more thing checked off of our “get ready for baby” list.

Part of the Club?

2010-09-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

My church is great. I love it. One thing that is/has been hard is that it is so family focused. Hubby doesn't attend with me, which isolates me and makes me different from every other couple that attends. Also, we were the only married couple in the congregation without children and had been the only ones for years. However, I've been able to make some friends through my church job of working with the kids. I also go to a church sponsored quilt group. I'm the type of person that has a few very close friends and I'm fine with that. I'm friendly with everyone, but only close with a small select group.

Anyway, now that we are expecting it seems like I'm being inducted into the "club." The fertile club. I can't tell you how many people that normally smile and don't even stop to say "hi" at church are now stopping me to chat about the babies, give advice or stranger still- give me hugs. I'm trying to accept the attention and love/support that they are giving me and our family and be gracious about it. HOWEVER, it seems really crappy to me that only now that we are having children they are including us. This week alone we have two dinner invitations and a family bringing dinner over to us. I keep trying to focus on the good and not look back, but it's incredibly difficult. Infertility will always be a part of me. There were many, many, many Sundays when it was painful to be at church surrounded by families. During those hard times there were very few (I can count them on one hand) people that would stop and talk to me or offer support of any kind. Granted I'm a very private person and we didn't disclose our infertility or treatment struggles with those at church, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked someone to say "hi" or invite us to dinner. These are women and men that I've known for years (we've been in this area 10 years) and yet only now have they extended a hand of friendship. I don't know how to react. I guess for now I'll go with the flow and take them up on their offers of friendship, if nothing else for my kiddos sakes. But, I wonder how true of a friendship it can be if it's only based on the fact that I am now able to reproduce.

Multiples Birthing Class

2010-09-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

We attended a multiples birthing class offered by our hospital over the weekend. It was great. The instructor was very informative and gave us all the information in hand outs as well so that if anything was forgotten (pg brain!) you can review it later. The class was small, only 5 couples, compared to the regular birthing class next door that had a packed house. Most of the couples were within a few weeks gestation of us, so it was nice to compare notes etc. I'm feeling much more calm and relaxed after the class. I was able to get a lot of my questions about the multiple birthing experience answered as well as questions regarding the hospitals policies. She covered a lot of breast feeding info and I'm feeling good about that too. I think we will sign up for the "Day about Baby" class and the breast feeding class offered at the hospital too. I ended up canceling our class for this upcoming weekend- "Bringing Baby Home" because of the class length. The birthing class was 3 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday. The BBH class is 7 hours on Saturday and 7 hours on Sunday. There is NO WAY I could sit that long. I'm hoping I can find a BBH class in the area that isn't over 2 days, but is broken up over a month or so.

I saw my MFM OB today and all is looking good. My boys are doing great (just checked heartbeats, fluid around them and placentas today) and my blood pressure is still low. She is going to keep me on the same meds and see me in two weeks for the anatomy scan. I also had the nurse test my at home blood pressure cuff. The reading was WAY off of the reading the nurse took, so now I am looking for a new machine for home. I'm hoping that we can return this one to the pharmacy as it was so far off.

14 years

2010-09-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful husband. I know that I've picked the right partner for me. We've been through so many ups and downs during our marriage and he has always been there to support and love me. I'm so excited to be entering this new phase in our life with him. He's going to be an amazing dad. I love him so much.

My Baby Boys

2010-09-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

And the potty shots- all boy here:

20w1d

2010-09-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'm 20 weeks pregnant! I can't believe it! I am so grateful to have made it this far with healthy babies. I'm so blessed to have this opportunity to be pregnant and experience this time with my little ones. I am incredibly lucky that each of our IVF transfers has resulted in a pregnancy. I am overjoyed that my little guys are thriving and do so well.

Now with all that being said many things have happened this week that I need to complain a bit about. I feel bad complaining, as I am so grateful that I was able to get pregnant and this time stay pregnant, but as my therapist pointed out that doesn't mean I can't gripe a bit like other pregnant women.

My midwives office phoned on Wednesday to let me know that they had received the report about my high blood pressure from MFM. Sharon explained to me that with this added complication I am now too high risk for them to provide my care. She told me they would be transferring my care to one of the OB's they work with in their practice. I felt like they were dumping me. :( I've been seeing these women for 10 years for well woman care and chose their group in particular based on their birth philosophies. Now I am being transferred to an OB and who knows what her practices and philosophies are regarding birth. It seems unfair that I no longer can choose my own provider because of factors out of my control ie: twins and high blood pressure. I know (logically in my non-emotional part of my brain) that this is the safest option for me and my babies, but it still is a bitter pill to swallow. She then transferred me to scheduling to transfer my scheduled appointments to the new Dr. I meet with the new Dr on the 23rd. I had one last appointment with one of the midwives on Friday. I love them so much, I was in tears telling her how frustrated I am to be shuffled to someone else. She was so sweet and understanding. She once again explained that they feel I'll get safer care with the OB and that their insurance won't actually cover them delivering me. She gave me a book about high risk pregnancy and told me I can still call the midwives anytime for emotional support. I asked her a few questions about the OB and she told me that she is a dedicated physician that gives 110% to her patients, but that yes- she has very different practices and philosophies from the midwives. :(

Work. I let my employers know that it was time for me to scale back and bring in the new nanny. I was hoping we could all work together to figure out a plan, but they decided the timeline and schedule without me. So.... I will be done with employment on the 16th. The new nanny starts Tuesday and I'll have 2 days of overlap to show her the ropes. Then from Thursday through the next Thursday I'll work afternoons and she'll work mornings (she committed to work afternoons for her current family for the next 2 weeks). It's harder letting go of this job than I thought it would be. My little 3 year old is having an extremely hard time with it. Her parents explained that I had to rest at home to take care of the babies, but she is unhappy about that solution. Her solution is for me to lie in her bed and she'll take care of me. How sweet is that? I have been trying to be upbeat and excited about the new nanny and telling her how much fun it is. After I say anything about the new gal, the little one will say "I only love YOU, Miss Emily." It's a hard concept for her to wrap her mind around that she can still love me and the new nanny. I hope the next 2 weeks go smoothly.

The blood pressure meds seem to be working which is great. They make me really sleepy so I've been taking them at night right before bed. This makes waking in the night for bathroom trips tricky, as the meds also make me dizzy and light headed, but it is better than taking them during the day.

This week I met with two of my best friends to start planning my baby shower. I still can't believe that I'm going to have a baby shower! They are great, and they wanted me to just give my opinions on a few things. The shower is planned for the 1st week in October. My parents and grandmother will be driving up from Utah and my sister will be driving up from Oregon for it. I'll be 24 weeks pregnant, and hopefully still just resting at home and not on bedrest or in the hospital at that point.

Today will most likely be my last day doing music with the children at church. The leaders of the children's organization know what is going on with my health and have been supportive of my leaving at any point that I feel it is right. I would love to continue doing this job, but I don't think I can do it much longer. I would rather they find someone to replace me now then have to find an emergency replacement at some point when I have to stop outings completely. I'm still planning on going to worship each week (as that is sitting) and then I'll just leave after that to rest at home instead of working with the children.

19w2d Update

2010-08-30T16:01:00.000-07:00

I had my MFM appointment this morning. They ended up doing a full anatomy scan this week instead of waiting for my appointment next week. It was great watching the boys move and kick and squirm as they were measured. Baby A once again was not cooperative. However, I did finally get to see his adorable profile! (I'll post pics later) Both babies are doing well. My cervix is still long and doing well. My blood pressure was on the high end of normal 138/88. The plan moving forward is that I'll be doing daily blood pressure monitoring at home and taking a beta blocker at night. I'll be seeing my MFM Dr every 2 weeks now instead of once a month. She also told me it was time to ramp down and work and prepare to leave.

I'm glad that there is a plan. I'm relieved that my Dr isn't overly concerned and that this seems manageable and that we caught it early. I'm a bit sad that I have to leave work earlier than planned. I spoke with my employer and luckily, they nailed down the contract with the new nanny just this last weekend. She is going to speak with her husband and the new nanny and hopefully work out an overlapping schedule for the 2 of us for a bit and then I'll be gone. She did offer to pay me cash for any after hour or weekend work, which is nice, but I'm not sure if I'll take it or not at this point.

The nice thing about leaving work earlier than planned and not being on bedrest is I'll be able to finally fisnish all the quilting and craft projects for the boys. I'll also be able to finalize the nursery and get it all set up with hubby.

High Blood Pressure

2010-08-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger! I can't believe I haven't updated in so long. Well, here is my update for today. I had my routine monthly midwife appointment (18w6d) and right off the bat my blood pressure was high. The nurse took it again and then left. She came back and said I would need blood work, urine testing, and possibly more monitoring. Great. My midwife came in and once again told me I would need the testing. She also told me that she was going to have me see MFM on Monday AM. In the meantime I've been put on temporary bedrest. So this weekend will consist of resting, praying, peeing into a jar (for 24 hours at least) and trying not to stress. I feel normal (for being pg with twins-my new normal) and so I think that the high blood pressure is just an anomaly. At least I hope it is!

My midwife did a quick u/s and the boys look fine and have stong heartbeats, so hopefully this isn't affecting them too much.

16w4d Growth Scan

2010-08-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

We had a growth scan at MFM today. I was a bit nervous, as our spina bifida blood work had come back a bit high, but the tech said that she would be looking at the spine today and could let me know if it looked normal. She also asked us if we wanted to know the genders. OF COURSE!!!

She started with Baby A. Just like last time, this baby was in the wrong position for most of the things she needed to measure. We were able to tell right away that it was a boy! VERY clear. :) She worked and worked to get the measurements for him and then gave up and moved to Baby B. Just like last time, this baby was in the perfect position for all of the measurements. We were able to see that this baby is a boy as well! VERY clear. :) She finished his measurements and went back to try Baby B again. No luck. Their spines both look great and were measuring normally. They are both measuring a bit big for their age, which is pretty consistent with the last measurements. She then measured my cervix and it looks fine.

The Dr came in to discuss the results and answer any questions. It was a pretty quick visit with the Dr and then we were out the door.

I am ELATED that we are having two boys. :) So happy and giddy and excited.

14w3d

2010-07-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm officially (by every way of counting) in the 2nd trimester. :) I'm glad that we are past the scary miscarriage time, but I'm still a nervous nelly about every twinge. I don't usually think of myself as unable to tolerate pain and discomfort, but man I've been hurting lately. I wonder if it is usual pregnancy stuff or specifically twin pregnancy stuff that is going on and hurting. In any case, by the end of the day I'm usually wiped out and my back and abdomen are super sore and painful. Other than the random pain, I'm doing well. I'm still tired, but I think that is to be expected. The food issues are slowly going away and I'm able to eat more food than before. I am concerned that I didn't gain my 1 lb a week last week (lost 2) but hopefully the 1 lb a week is the average and I'll make up for it this week or the next.

Going public was really bizarre and is still hard for me on many levels. Everyone has been great. All of the responses have been supportive. I've had many intrusive questions asked (to be expected with twins I suppose) and have started figuring out how much to tell the general public and how to respond. I'm not planning on hiding the fact that we did IVF or donor sperm, but that is our children's story to tell and not ours. Those that are close to us will know and have been told, but as for the rest.... I don't think they need to know all of our details. I have had a couple of random freak-outs about telling people. For some reason my brain associates people knowing with something bad happening to the babies. I'm trying to work through it, but it's very hard to be public for that reason. I guess I'm just a private person and having the attention on me is harder than I anticipated.

The babies have been harder to find with the doppler lately. I will find a heartbeat only to have the baby move away and have to find it again. I swear my belly grew overnight last night. I went to bed and felt pretty normal sized and then noticed today after naptime that my belly seemed/felt HUGE. I guess those babies are growing and growing and pushing out my belly. The bad thing with them growing is that my pre-baby cushion (that was in my belly area) is now being pushed up on top of my belly so I have 2 bumps! ARGH. Hopefully soon it will even out into a respectable baby bump instead of a baby bump with a muffin top.

Baby house preparations are moving along. Our contractor was scheduled to come tomorrow to install our new washer/dryer hook ups but has now moved the date to Friday. The office was decluttered (thanks to my sister) this past weekend and all that is left is to move the guest room furniture to her house. We have picked out our new washer and dryer and the paint for two of the rooms. I'm having a hard time picking paint for the baby room. Project wise- I've picked up fabric for the baby quilts. I'll post pictures soon. One quilt is green with white and the other is orange with brown.

NT U/S

2010-07-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

Yeah! We still have 2 babies. The NT scan was great. Both were in the normal range. We did opt for the blood work and will find out about that in about a week and half. The ultra sound itself was VERY long approx 1 1/2 hours. This was due to Baby A not cooperating and showing the nuchal fold that needed to be measured. Baby B was in a perfect position and the sonographer even gave us a gender guess (boy) and we got a bunch of cute photos. (Photos posted are pictures of photos as our scanner is broken) To finally get Baby A in the correct position they had me roll around, walk around the room and do all sorts of contortions. They ended up brining in a new sonographer who was able to get the measurement after 1/2 an hour. She also did a 3-d scan from the top down with both babies in one shot. It didn’t really look like much. As my husband pointed out the babies looked like "Han Solo frozen in carbonite."

We also met with the twin program coordinator. She gave me weight gain guidelines, food guidelines and a ton of other twin pg info.

We meet back with our MFM people in 4 weeks. After the appointment I had my midwife appointment. We once again got an ultra sound and she answered my questions. Also, I passed the 1 hour gestational diabetes screening. Woo-hoo!

Now that all is looking well we are going public with our news.... scary and exciting!!

NT Scan Tomorrow

2010-07-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

Our appointment with the maternal fetal medicine group is tomorrow and includes our NT ultrasound. I am excited to see the babies again and nervous. I'm not nervous about something being genetically wrong with one or both of the babies, but more that somehow there will only be one baby. Irrational, I know, but still that is my fear. Hubby and I were able to pick up both hearbeats (we think) on the home doppler Sunday night. So... that is a good sign, right?

GD testing

2010-07-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger. There hasn't been much to report on. Up until this week my pregnancy symptoms have been the same as in the past.
This week I feel I have turned a corner with regards to nausea. It is much less and when it hits it lasts for shorter periods of time. Yippee! I still have food aversions and the super sniffer, but more types of food seem palatable now.

I have started wearing some maternity pieces. By the end of the day NOTHING seems to fit, even if it did in the morning. All of my pants are getting tighter. I've been able to mix in some elastic-waist skirts and some stretchy dresses with high waists to alleviate the no-pants-that-fit situation.

Hubby and I have been able to find one of our little one's heartbeats on the home doppler pretty consistently. Hopefully, we will be able to hear the other one soon.

Today I did my 1 hour gestational diabetes test. I feel it is pointless. I've had my midwife; the lab techs and the nurse at MFM tell me that most moms of multiples fail the 1 hour test. I'm prepared for that and the fact that I'll probably need to do the 3 hour fasting test in the near future.

In exactly one week I'll be having the NT scan and meeting with the MFM people for the first time. I'm excited to find out more twin info and hear about the twin program. I'm nervous about the scan and pray that all will look ok. We've decided not to have the blood screening that goes along with the ultra sound as once again it is fairly inaccurate with twin pregnancies.

The home renovations/improvements are slowly moving along. We have quote done for the relocation of our washer and dryer (which means we can buy new ones with a higher capacity!!) and have almost decided on the flooring for the house as well as the paint colors. My sister was kind enough to come to town last weekend and help clear out the guest room closet and bookshelf (soon to be nursery) as well as organize my pantry and clothes. We don't have a clue on paint/decor for the nursery but I think I've found cribs and possibly the dresser I want. I've also picked out the infant car seats we will register for. It still seems strange to be looking at these baby things and actually making it plans. It scares me to death that somehow by making decisions that will affect the future with babies I will jinx the whole thing.

Physically I am still exhausted all of the time. I am feeling more stretching, pulling and pain as the babies expand their home for the next 6 months. I also feel slow- as in I can't walk or do anything fast or even at a normal speed anymore. Despite the inconvenience I am so incredibly happy that we have babies on the way.

9w6d Prenatal Appointment

2010-06-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

I had my first prenatal appointment today with a midwife at my OB/Midwife group. It’s strange being a “regular” pregnant gal and waiting with the pg bellies in the waiting room. I got there early and then she was running late so I had a LOT of time in the waiting room. The nurse took me to the room and went over a folder full of paperwork that they give to everyone. My question about each item was “is that the same for twins?” The answer was no. SOOOO, the folder full of info is not that helpful for me. She went over my family history and my medical history. Because of my family’s diabetes and the fact that I’m overweight and the fact that I have twins on board she suggested I do the 1 hour glucose test sooner than when they normally do it. Yippee. Luckily, because I had a cold she told me to wait until next week to do it. She checked my pulse (RACING) and my blood pressure (perfect.) She then left and I waited for the midwife. She arrived and went over my list of questions. Most of them she had general answers for and some she had no idea. Um, yikes! BUT the good news is that I will be referred to Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine for care and I’m sure they have info on multiples. She then attempted an abdominal u/s. But, due to my tilted uterus and her incompetence with the machine we couldn’t see the babies that well. (She couldn’t distinguish between my bladder and one of the babies. C’mon! I should have run the u/s!!) However, to her credit she did warn me that she wasn’t trained as an u/s tech. So now I have to call on Monday to set up an appointment with EMFM and then I go back to the midwives at week 13.
Positives of appointment:
Saw a midwife I’ve previously seen and like
A midwife can delivery me if I don’t have complications
An epidural does not have to be placed if midwife is delivering
If all looks fine I won’t be automatically induced at any point, but allowed to progress until I go into labor
Got a referral to EMFM
Got a list of meds I can safely take to help with the cold

Bummers of appointment:
I’ll have to deliver in the hospital in an operating room
I can’t fly past 24 weeks (which means I can’t cheer my hubby on at his ½ marathon in October)
On average most of their twin patients cut back their work hours or stop working at 24 weeks
I can’t be seen more frequently by their office unless problems develop
Didn’t get to hear or see the babies
General confusion over what tests needed to be run and what had been done recently at the RE

8w4d Ultra Sound

2010-06-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm floating on air. The ultra sound was fantastic. Each baby had a strong heartbeat around 175 beats per minute. Baby A was facing us and we could see its head, arms and legs. We were also able to clearly see the umbilical cord with blood flowing through it. It was amazing! Baby B had its spine facing us, but we could still see its arms. We've officially graduated from our RE's office. I had an appointment with my midwife today but they called to cancel it due to 3 emergencies within the office. I've rescheduled the appointment for next week. Below are some pictures from the appointment for your pleasure. :)

Pregnancy Update

2010-06-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

I bit the bullet and made an appointment with my midwife. Now that I'm carrying twins I'll also be followed by the OB's in her practice. I'm nervous about the appointment because it feels scary to move from my RE to the general pregnancy population. I've been researching and there is a great maternal fetal medicine practice at our hospital that I'm going to ask to also be followed by. They have a twin program that helps you figure out nutrition, rest, bed rest, exercise and also has a perinatologist on site to follow the babies. Plus they offer lactation support/classes focusing on multiples and birth classes focusing on multiples. I called them today and they have to have me referred from either my RE or midwife/OB. I will be seeing both the RE and midwife on the same day so I'll ask both of them.

Pregnancy symptoms are still in full swing. I've been able to tame the nausea a bit by wearing psi acupressure bands on my wrists. I wore them all day yesterday and was able to eat (I didn't crave anything or particularly want to eat but I was able to) and them I took them off at night and I was nauseous within minutes. I've worn them today as well and they seem to help. The other HUGE help has been ginger. Ginger chews, crystallized ginger, ginger gum and ginger tea. I tried ginger ale (with actual ginger and low in sugar) but the bubble upset my stomach too much. Because I haven't been able to eat much I've lost more weight. This is concerning as all that I've read recommends that twin mom's gain weight early as they lose stomach space earlier and the babies generally come earlier. Hopefully, with the nausea backing down I'll be able to start gaining.

I'm back at work full time and it's going well. I'm taking it really easy and the girls and the parents are very happy to have me back. I have a "strategy" meeting (per the parents request) with them in a few weeks to figure out my exit plan and the hiring of a new nanny. It's going to be tricky, but I think we'll be able to make it work for everyone. It's been nice that the girls both nap still as I've been able to put my feet up and sometimes even sleep during naptime.

While my employers have been great they have also been scaring me. They keep telling me twin horror stories, birth horror stories and in general scary pregnancy stuff. I am SO nervous about the babies anyway and constantly worry about them and their added "info" stresses me out even more. I'm sure they are coming from a "helpful" place, but it's not helping. If it continues I will have to say something to them.

DH is over the moon excited for the twins. He rubs my belly (still just my own fat at this point) and talks to them every night. I'm trying to engage with the twins, but I'm still having a hard time not guarding my heart. I had hoped that passing the date of our loss and seeing the heartbeats would help, but I'm still super nervous. All our friends and family that we've told are excited too. Sometimes TOO excited. But, I'm know they are just excited and happy for us.

6w3d Ultra Sound

2010-06-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

We had our 1st obstetric ultra sound today with our RE Dr. Opie. I was a nervous wreck on the way there and then he was running late, so I had even more time to be nervous.

He started the ultra sound and immediately said "Here is one pregnancy and here is another one." WHAT?!? We are expecting twins!! He then measured both and they are right where they should be and we were able to see their heartbeats. He took a lot of measurements and pictures and a video to show the heartbeats. He wants to see me again in two weeks. I made our next appointment and we were given a disc with the pictures and video on it. Without further ado here are our two little ones:

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that I've seen heartbeats. I'm in shock right now, and the whole "expecting twins" thing hasn't really set in yet. But, I'm cautiously happy and so very, very grateful for these babies. I pray that they will continue to grow and develop the way that they should.

Lame Super Power

2010-05-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have a new super power thanks to the pregnancy. It is the super powerful sense of smell. It is the WORST super power. I smell every little thing. The dogs are super smelly to me and they never were before. I can smell the food from the night before clear through the whole next day. I can identify spices in the food I eat before I even taste it. Ugh. Not a good super power.

6w0d

2010-05-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today I am 6 weeks 0 days pregnant. I am so grateful to have made it this far. Last pregnancy on this day I was in the hospital awaiting my D & C. Not good. Today is good.

I'm having LOTS of pregnancy symptoms which I am taking as a good sign. I am queasy all day long. I was severely ill until I had my acupuncture in the afternoon. About five minutes after she placed the 2 needles for nausea I felt SO much better. I have MAJOR food aversions- don't even mention seafood in my presence. I swear I've gone up a cup size and the girls are super sore. The IVF bloat is slowly receding, but is still there.

I am so happy that our LO is still with us at this point. I pray that our u/s on Tuesday goes well and shows a nice healthy bean(s).

Symptoms

2010-05-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

I know this is perverse, but I'm really excited that I'm having nausea, tender breasts and a heightened sense of smell. It is helping make this pregnancy seem real. I am also super, super tired all of the time. I love that I can't open the fridge without gagging (well at the time I don't love it.) I love that I am now sleeping in my sports bra to alleviate discomfort. I love that I have an underlying sense of sea-sickness. All these things (to me) point to a nice sticky baby that will be here for the entire pregnancy. I hope so. I pray with all my heart, mind and might that this time our little one will make it home with us.

Cautiously Hopeful

2010-05-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm cautiously hopeful that this pregnancy will continue to grow and thrive. I had my 2nd BETA done today and the nurse, Sarah 2, was very pleased with the rise. She scheduled me for an ultra sound during my 6th week of pregnancy. I'm still having cramps, but she thinks it is completely normal. I hope so. Here is the chart that shows the rise in hormones.

BETA

2010-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I had my first BETA today and it was great! My number is 213.8, which is much higher than it needs to be to be considered pregnant at my clinic. The nurse told me they want it to be at least 50, so I'm looking good. I had to take a digital test today to see the "pregnant" so here it is:

I head back on Tuesday for a repeat BETA and hopefully it is still looking good. I'm still having some cramps, but they are much milder than before. I just pray that this one is a sticky bean this time.

Good Day

2010-05-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a good day. The spotting is gone today. Hooray! The cramps have lessened today. Hooray! I was able to go out to lunch with my DH and BFF. Hooray! And.....

I got a positive HPT for the 2nd day today. Hooray! I am pregnant. Hooray! Tomorrow is my BETA. Hooray! I hope that it will show a nice strong number.

I know that it is no longer NIAW, but I just saw this link on FF and had to pass it along. The video was very moving and in my heightened emotional state really was a tear jerker for me, so be forewarned.

Letter to our 3

2010-05-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby(ies),
Please snuggle in for a long 9+ months. Make yourself(ves) at home. Know that your dad and I can't wait to hold you in our arms and have waited and prayed for you for so long. Just hang out and grow and do your thing and we'll do ours to prepare for you arrival. We promise to do our best to be loving, supportive parents and do all we can to help you grow and thrive. We love you with all of our hearts.
Love,
Mama & Daddy

Losing Hope

2010-05-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

This cycle is not looking good. I have had extreme cramping (similar to the cramps I experienced with my miscarriage) for the past 2 days. I contacted the nurses at the RE and Sarah 2 called me back. She seems to think that it will be ok. She said that early pg symptoms are very, very similar to AF symptoms and that they get women calling freaked out about cramping/spotting/bleeding that then go on to be pg. I hope that is the case, but I have a bad feeling about it. Even if I start bleeding she said I should come in for the beta on Saturday. Please Lord, let this work.

Testing out the trigger

2010-05-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I've decided once again to test out the hcg in my system so that I'll know if a ++ test is a true ++ versus a trigger ++. I started testing today, which is 10 days past trigger. The test was a complete and thorough negative. I'm really excited. This means that any ++'s I have going forward could mean that one (or more) of the little ones have stuck around.

Mother's Day is always a bittersweet day for me. Today has been one of my better ones. I'm sure it's because I'm in the hopeful mode with this current IVF cycle. I did have a few tearful moments when I missed my little Rowan and realized how prego I would have been if we hadn't lost her, but other than that it's been pretty good. I spent the day on bedrest hanging out with my man. He's the best and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. I also was able to talk to my mom on the phone and wish her a happy Mother's Day which is always nice.

Shock and Awe

2010-05-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in shock. Our IVF nurse called yesterday and one of our embryos made it to freeze!!! How awesome is that?!? We had written off both of the embryos that were left as they were graded at such a low quality on day 3. However, one of them continued to grow and made it to freeze. Our first (and only) tot-sicle. :) This makes me really happy on several levels. For one thing, it gives me great hope for the 3 that were graded well on day 3 and were transferred. It also gives me hope for a sibling down the road, or as my DH put it a "hail Mary" shot if this time around doesn't work. Our nurse (Sarah 2) was super happy too. She was bursting with the news. :)

Today I'm doing great. I'm hoping that the blastocysts(s) are hatched and attaching to the lining. Tomorrow they should start implanting and burrowing in for the long haul.

Here they are...

2010-05-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

We have pictures from our day 3 transfer of our three little embryos. We've decided to name them Hank, Dean and Triana. Hopefully, by today they have graduated and become blastocysts. Tomorrow they should start hatching out of their shells and then Saturday they hopefully will attach to the lining and snuggle in for 9 months.

Bedrest is going ok. I'm having a hard time not feeling isolated. The last time I was going through this my 3 BFF's were all out of work and available to call and visit. Now all 3 of them are working. I've had family and friends check in via text, email and phone, but I'm still really missing social interactions.

I'm happy to be taking this time to allow the babies to snuggle in. I'm blessed that I have the opportunity to have this time off from work to do this at all. I just know that with this being our last shot at conceiving our little one(s) I want to be able to look back and know that I've done all that I can to try to make it happen.

PUPO

2010-05-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'm officially pregnant until proven otherwise. We had our embryo transfer today. I was nervous all of last night and this morning. I was POSITIVE that none of our embryos had made it. We didn't get a call from the clinic telling us to stay home, so we headed in and hour and fifteen minutes early for acupuncture.

I enjoyed the acupuncture prior to the ET as it really helped me relax. I know that's not the only reason for it prior to ET, but it sure helped me. We then went back and met with our RE. He came in and told us he had really good news and a conundrum. The good news was that we had 3 grade-4 embryos (lab grades 0-5, with 5 being the best and hardly giving 5's out) and 2 that were below a 3. He was hesitant to only put back 2 as my prognosis is medium-low with a pregnancy with 2. However, if we put back 3 our prognosis almost doubles for a take home baby. The percentage of triplets goes up, but if we were willing to take the risk we would be more likely to have a baby. We opted to put back 3. We signed paperwork, got pictures of our embryos and waited for the transfer.

We went back to the OR and they set up everything. We saw our babies on the screen and then they brought them in and transferred them to me. I then was taken back to our recovery room and had acupuncture again. The acupuncture after wasn't quite as relaxing, but that was mostly due to side effects I was having from the meds they gave me to relax my uterus.

After the transfer we grabbed some lunch to take home and now I am all tucked into my bed and resting. Oh, and we had a lovely surprise when we returned home. Some dear friends had sent us a basket of daisies (my favorite) and a lovely note.

ER & Fert Report

2010-05-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

Had the ER yesterday. It went pretty smoothly. The anesthesiologist was concerned about my cough and didn't want to put me completely under. She decided to have me use an inhaler and then gave me some narcotics in the IV to calm the cough. It worked and I was knocked out. The RE was able to retrieve 11 eggs. We went home and I spent the rest of the day in bed resting and sleeping.

This morning (while I was sleeping) our nurse called with the fertilization report. There were 10 eggs that were mature and 6 have fertilized normally. I am scheduled for the transfer on Tuesday at 1. I am slightly excited, but more than anything I'm nervous. I hope that our 6 keep growing and dividing normally so that we have a couple for transfer. I'm resting again today. I still have some ovary pain, but not too bad.

Grow Follies Grow!

2010-04-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day for my follicles and eggs to grow and mature. It is 9:50 PM. In a mere 12 hours I will be parted from my eggs and they will be cultured and then introduced to our donor sperm. It's exciting and anxiety producing at the same time. I found out today that Sarah 2 will be my nurse during the retrieval. I love, love, love her! I love both of my Sarah's. She was our nurse at the last retrieval and made us both feel at ease. I'm still hoping for 9 eggs. My estrodial went up again a bit today, which is good. I did take a HPT to make sure the hcg was in my system since my RE doesn't test specifically for that, but rather for progesterone and estrodial. The HPT was a blaring ++. So we are good to go. Thank you for all of the kind thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate it.

Stim Day 12 & 200th Post!

2010-04-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

I had my final u/s for this IVF today. Dr Opie was pleased and believes there will be 9 mature eggs at retrieval. I hope so! I got the go ahead to do the trigger tonight at 9:30. I am scheduled for retrieval Saturday AM at 9:30. I am going back tomorrow for more blood work.

The rest of my day was interesting. My car died at the library. I came out with the little one after story time and the car wouldn't start. It sounded like a dead battery. I phoned DH and we planned for him to pick me up from work and then try to deal with the car after that. I called my boss and she came and picked us up from the library. I used the family van the rest of the day with the girls.

After work DH and I got the car started. (It was the battery) I came home to try to nap, but I couldn't due to my constant cough. The rest of the afternoon/night I had to lay down but also be propped up. I can't sit comfortably now due to the bloating of my abdomen and I can't lay down because I cough. Joy. I hope my car will start in the morning....

200th post. Wow. This blog has been a great outlet for me as I deal with all this IVF/IF stuff. It's been therapeutic. I've enjoyed reading others blogs and finding a greater IF community. It really helps me to feel less alone in this. My family and friends are great, but they aren't dealing with IF and don't quite get what it's like to go through all of this. But each time I read a fellow IF blogger I feel an instant connection. What a blessing.

Stim Day 11

2010-04-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment this morning and Dr Opie decided after the ultra sound that I should stim for one more day. I had 1 follicle over 20 mm, 6 between 15-20 mm and 6 under 15 mm. He's hoping that with one extra day the 15-20 mm ones will grow big enough to be mature at ER. I hope so too. My estrodial finally had a decent rise. It was 1404 today. This number is still lower than my successful MDL cycle, but I'm glad it is rising. My lovely Sarah 1 called to give me my medication directions today. I love her so much. She always makes me feel better and calm. She told me that all looked "fabulous" and for me to stop stressing. I am doing the same meds tonight and tomorrow morning. I head back in the morning for another ultra sound and blood draw. Hopefully, if all looks well I'll trigger tomorrow night. I did have to get more meds from the RE today, though since I'm out of cetrotide and down to 225 units of gonal-f. They didn't have the 450 gonal-f pen I needed so I had to take 2 of the 300 unit pens. Grrr. I hate paying for meds I won't use. Maybe I'll just use it all tomorrow anyway....

Stim Day 10

2010-04-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Almost there. I'm anxious more than excited about the upcoming ER. I'm trying to prepare myself for the bad news that I'm sure will be delivered upon waking. I have my last u/s & b/w appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully, there are more follicles and my E2 falls in line with what is being seen on the u/s. My stomach has been hurting all of last night and today. I'm sure it's a combination of stress and drinking lots of acidic juices (pineapple & oj) in the attempt to get better.

Stim Day 9

2010-04-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am home sick again. I'm hoping to return to work tomorrow.

I had my RE appointment this morning and I was very nervous. The first thing RE said to me (after pleasantries) was "have you and your husband discussed how many follicles you want to have before deciding if you cancel this cycle?" WHAT? I had no clue we should be considering canceling. I told him we hadn't and he told me he'd do the u/s and then give me his opinion. The u/s revealed that I have 3 follicles on the right that are measurable and 7 on the left that are measurable with 3 or 4 smaller ones. Good news, right? Well, it would be if my estrodial matched those numbers. RE suspects that the egg quality is low and that is why the estrodial numbers are low. What does this mean for this cycle? RE wants us to move ahead. He stated that if I was older he would suggest canceling. But because of my age he is hopeful that the eggs will be able to produce embryos that will make it to a 3dt. He also stated that this is the end of the road. There aren't any other protocols he would suggest. If my ovaries don't respond to this, then they aren't going to respond. So, that leaves us with this less than great cycle. We are moving forward. I am stimming for 2 more days and return on Wednesday for another u/s and b/w. Trigger will be Wednesday with a Friday ER. I'm praying for a miracle at this point. And now I'm heading to bed to rest.

Stim Day 8

2010-04-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Not much new to report. I'm still feeling ill. Fever is officially gone, but headache/cough/sore throat are worse. I most likely will be staying home from work tomorrow to rest and try to get better before ER.

I did a side-by-side comparison of estrodial numbers and follicle scans for my past IVF's and this current one. It doesn't look good. My RE and nurse assure me it's fine. I've decided I'm not going to stress about it. I'm doing all that I can do to make this cycle a success and worrying about estrodial numbers won't make them change. I hope, hope, hope we have a good ER this week. I go back tomorrow for b/w and u/s.

Stim Day 7

2010-04-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

Coughing was better last night, but for some reason I woke up and was AWAKE at 4:30 this morning. I headed back to bed around 6:30 and slept until the alarm went off at 7:00. The u/s this morning went well. There were 9 follicles again, and more were measurable with the largest at 14mm. The blood work was disappointing. My estrodial is rising, but slowly. It was only 283 today. I questioned my nurse when she called with meds instructions and she stated "yes it is low, but it correlates pretty well with your u/s results." When I asked if we would be cancelled she told me she didn't think so. Blerg. So, the new meds are to continue 450 units of gonal-f in the AM, add cetrotide in the AM and up the PM gonal-f to 225 units. I head back to the RE on Monday. I'm hoping and praying that all will go well and my estrodial will rise.

I had acupuncture today and she did a lot of points to help with my congestion and cold. She also did cupping, which HURTS, but ultimately helps in the recovery process. I've been a slug today and just rested on the couch. DH has been a great help and has been taking wonderful care of me. I know I'm a difficult (read impossible) sick person and then add hormones into the mix and he is a saint. Last night (as one example) I was watching Raising Arizona. He came in and sat down to watch it with me. When they returned Nathan Jr and were looking at him before they left, I LOST it. I started crying and wheezing and DH looked at me like I was crazy and said "why did you turn this on if it was going to make you cry?" To which I lost it even more and couldn't breathe as I wheezed out how mean he was. He took my snotty, crying mess of a head into his arms and gave me a big hug until I calmed down and stopped my wheezing/crying. Now that's true love.

Stim Day 6

2010-04-24T04:45:00.000-07:00

I am sick. I've had a fever hovering around 101-102 for the day. I've been controlling the fever with tylneol. It has gotten so bad that I'm wheezing and have to sit/lay in a certain position to breathe. My ovaries are feeling very "full" and it's beginning to be difficult to sit straight up. I am hoping that this means a lot of growth will be seen at the u/s.

Late Stim Day 5 Post

2010-04-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't post on stim day 5. I was feeling awful and took it easy the whole night. The u/s was ok. I'm not impressed by this new protocol so far. When I have the energy I'll post a side-by-side comparison of results on each protocol I've been on. Estrodial was 147 yesterday. Meh. There were 6 follies on the left (3 measurable) and 3 on the right (2 measurable). They kept my gonal-f in the AM the same, dropped menopur at night and added gonal-f 150 units at night. I go back Saturday.
I'm still feeling really sick. The Dr has ok'd me to take tylenol. So that's what I'll be doing.

Stim Day 4 & Cooking!

2010-04-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much better. I think I am almost done with my kiddo illness. The only things bothering me now are most likely side effects. I'm on the same dosage as yesterday for both meds. I am starting to feel twinges in my ovaries. I'm hopeful that there will be some great activity going on and that Dr. Opie will be able to see it on the ultra sound tomorrow. I have to remember to bring my cetrotide with me to work (nurse Sarah suggested this) just on the off chance that my follicles have grown large enough (I think 12 or 14mm) to necessitate taking the cetrotide.
Tonight I picked up the knitting needles I need to start on my faith project for this cycle. I'm going to cast on this weekend and knit and knit and knit. I'm also thinking of doing another knitting project for myself after I finish the one for baby. I also grated up some root veggies for a fertility promoting salad for tomorrow's dinner. It smells yummy and I can't wait to try it. The recipe is one created by my acupuncturist. I also grated up some cabbage, carrots and ginger for a new batch of cultured veggies. I love cultured vegetables and haven't made them in months. If you've never tried them you should check it out. I can't wait to try them in a few weeks.

Stim Day 3

2010-04-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

I had my b/w done today. With this cycle they will be monitoring my estrodial (as usual) but they have also added LH, FSH and progesterone. They are tracking everything very closely this time around. I'm not sure if it is the protocol (most likely) or to get a better feel for where I'm at. The estrodial dropped from Saturday, but that is probably due to my stopping the estrace. We will see what is actually going on with an u/s on Thursday and more b/w. My dosage stays the same. 450 units Gonal-F in the AM and 150 units Menopur in the PM. The Menopur is still painful and burning. But, I only have 2 more injections of it and then I'm done.
I'm still feeling ill. I now think that some of the aches and dizziness (headache too) are from the stims. I took off from work early today and I am grateful that tomorrow is an early day for me as well. The little one was sick over the weekend and consequently a bear today. Hopefully she and I will both feel better tomorrow.

Stim Day 2

2010-04-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm on stim day 2. AFC was on Saturday and it was so-so. There were 5 on the right and 3 on the left. Dr K did the u/s though, and she has never found many follicles when she does the u/s. I'm hoping that at the stim day 5 u/s there are more follie's growing.
Stims are going ok. I've been sick the past 2 days with aches, headaches, sore throat and sore ears. I also have had a mild fever. I think it was just a bug I picked up from the nanny kiddos, but who knows. The menopur shot still is stinging (as it has in the past for me). I can't figure out how to make it NOT sting, so I'll just push through it. I only have to do it for 3 more days. I'm on 450 units of gonal-f and 150 units of menopur. I'm guessing (based on the last couple of IVF's) that the dosage will stay the same until Thursday. At that point my RE drops the menopur and doubles up on the gonal-f. My poor old ovaries really need all the extra meds to get them going.
The only major side effect that I'm attributing to the meds and not the bug is major mood swings. I was a wreck today. I stayed home from work to rest and watched movies. Every emotional thing I watched today (movies, commercials, tv shows) had me crying. Fun.
I'm heading back to the RE tomorrow for b/w and then to work. Hopefully the ER will be here before I know it...

Thus Far

2010-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

I've taken estrace for 2 1/2 days. I've had cetrotide for 2 days. AF arrived in all her glory this afternoon. After a panic-y call to the RE I was told to discontinue the estrace and take the last dose of cetrotide tomorrow AM. I go in Saturday AM for a scan and blood work. I'm concerned that because I'm not taking the last 3 estrace pills I won't have been "estrogen primed" properly. I addressed it with my nurse and she said it was fine. I'll be brining it up with the RE on Saturday.

Side effects. I was hoping I could slide by and not have any on these meds since I'm on them for such a short time, but it wasn't meant to be. I've had hot flashes for most of today. I've had a KILLER headache since I woke today as well. I've increased my water (in the hopes that it would get rid of the headache) but that hasn't helped. Tylenol is not helping either. I hope that once the meds are out of my system I'll have time to have everything calm down before I start the stims and get the stim side effects.

I'm excited that this is all starting to be real. It's exciting to start using the pile of meds on my talbe and the stack of them in the fridge. I am really hopeful that this will be the one for us.

Meltdown

2010-04-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not particularly proud of myself today. I found out this morning (before leaving for work) via Facebook that our neighbors are expecting their 2nd child. I was ok, until I really started thinking about it. I don't begrudge them another child- they are fantastic parents. It is more that I feel cheated that they are having ANOTHER one and we don't have any. My first thought was "I hope her due date is not when Rowan was due." My crazy, meltdown mind ran around in these pointless circles of depression, grief, jealousy and self-loathing all morning. I was thinking about it and upset so much that I had to go hide in the bathroom for part of breakfast with the girls because I was crying and couldn't stop. When does the news of a friend/acquaintances pregnancy ever get easier? I was at peace with finding out about others pregnancies up until I lost our daughter. Now I feel like I'm back to the bitter, jealous woman I once was. I hope this will pass. I am happy for our neighbors. I'm just sad for us.

What If

2010-04-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

There is a pretty cool project going on over at Stirrup Queens that I think everyone should check out. We (as an IF community) are being asked to comment on the post our biggest IF "what if"? I listed 3 of my "what ifs":

What if our angel daughter was our only chance to experience pregnancy and have a child?
What if I can never trust my body and instincts again?
What if all these hormones have a negative impact on my future health?

Updates

2010-04-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

I realized I hadn't updated the blog in a bit.

It's official, I've ovulated. The RE thinks it was on Saturday. This means that I start the estrogen on the 13th and the antagonist on the 14th.

I saw my acupuncturist last week and today. Both times she told me that all of my pulses are the best they've been since she started seeing me 2 1/2 years ago. Woo-hoo! I'm glad that all of my hard work with the detox, eating right, meditations and exercise have been doing some measurable good.

Work is stressful as the mom is still not working. They've decided to have her return to work AFTER the IVF stuff for me. On one hand this is good, as I don't need to worry about scheduling monitoring appointments around their work. On the other hand, she is driving me crazy. I had a long talk with her today and pointed out the ways that she is making my job difficult. She was glad I told her, as she didn't have a clue. Hopefully she will be mindful of what we discussed moving forward. Only 3 more weeks and then I'll be off for the ER and ET.

Odd & Funny things my DH says...

2010-04-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

My DH is a very funny guy. One of the reasons I was attracted to him the first place was his sarcastic, witty and silly sense of humor. As we are going through all of this IF crap he is always there to make me laugh. Today is no exception. Below is a transcript of an IM chat we just had:

Me: Ugh. Trying to determine if the pee stick lines are indicating surge.
DH: SURGE! GO GO GO! HORMONE ATTACK!
Me: LOL. You are silly. Yup- time limit is up. I'm surging. Gotta call the clinic.
DH: I need to have a Hormone Surge challenge in Modern Warfare**
Me: What would it consist of?
DH: Capture the Ovaries!
Block all Menstruation!
Hold those follicles!
instead of night vision goggles I could have an ultrasound wand on my helmet.
Me: LOL. You are too funny and know TOO much about this whole process.

He's a keeper for sure. :) All that to say, that I am surging and go in tomorrow for blood work and the culture. I'm glad that this appointment fell on the weekend so that I didn't need to take time off from work, but I'm a bit upset that I don't get to sleep in tomorrow.

Another funny DH quote "trans-vaginal ultrasound: trans-vaginal makes it sound like you have to take a train and wear a hat with a big feather on it and have hat boxes and luggage."

**XBOX game that DH has recently started playing.

OPK Time

2010-03-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'm getting close to ovulation so I broke out the OPK's today. No LH surge as of yet. I'm predicting a Friday/Saturday surge. We will see. Once I see it, then I go in the next day to the RE for blood work and to update my culture on file.

It's crazy that the IVF cycle is upon us. I'm technically in the IVF cycle(s) right now. Weird.

Eh

2010-03-22T17:27:00.001-07:00

I'm having an off day. The kiddos at work were in full tantrum mode most of the day. The little one in particular was having quite the attitude. I'm feeling sad and missing my little one. I can't help but keep track of where I would have been if I was still pregnant. I am feeling really scared that with our next IVF the same thing could happen. Most of the time I have hope and faith that all will go well and I'll get pregnant and STAY pregnant. But, today I just don't.

Relief

2010-03-21T12:00:00.001-07:00

I am feeling at peace and relieved regarding my church work. I met with my Bishop today and told him all that we've been going through and asked him what I should do about my music work with the children. He asked if I wanted to keep working with them, and I told him that I would love to, but through the IVF from retrieval through pregnancy test through ultra sound I wouldn't be able to do the work or plan the work for a sub to do. His solution is that they (he and the Primary president) will find a long term sub that would assume the responsibilities for the position, including planning, until I'm able to return. I feel like this is the right decision. I love working with the children at church. Their pure, testimonies of Jesus come through when they sing and it's my favorite place to be on Sunday. I'm happy that I'll be able to return to work with them and that they'll be taken care of while I am gone so that I don't need to worry about it. Ahhh.... relief.

CD 3 Poke-N-Prod

2010-03-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

We got up early this AM (for a Saturday anyway) and went to the cd3 appointment. The u/s was painful as expected, as I'm still cramping. Dr K found 8-9 antral follicles on the right and 3-4 on the left. That is pretty normal for me. Nurse Tina called back to let me know that all the blood work looks good and that the next step is for me to monitor myself with OPK's and once I surge (or by April 3rd if no surge) to call and I'll go back in for blood work again. After ovulation is confirmed I'll start the meds ten days later: cetrotide, estrace and baby aspirin. I'm glad that everything is looking as it should. We also paid our IVF deposit for this cycle and it was much less than I was expecting due to us still having some deposit left from the last cycle.

CD1

2010-03-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Wow. CD 1 of our IVF cycle. It's here. Some of the meds are here. (More on that later) Here we go again....

Work front: Told my employers the time off needed and they are on board with it. They are so positive and happy to help out in any way that they can.

Church front: Have requested an appointment with the Bishop to lay it out to him. He can then decide what to do with my church job.

Cleanse front: AHHHHH!!! Week 1 was not bad at all. I had to cut out: gluten, soy, dairy, refined sugar and corn. I could eat lean protein, veggies, fruit and non-gluten grains. I also had a 1x a day rice protein shake (SO Chalky!). Week 2, this week, has been SOOOOO hard. This week is vegan week. I am very tired of eating legumes. Very, very, very tired. I feel awful physically. My traditional Chinese medicine Dr/acupuncturist (the one who put me on this 3 week cleanse) told me that I would feel yucky as the toxins are moving out of my system. She suggested a drink more water. I could float away with the amount of water I've been drinking. I have 1 more day of vegan week and then I'm on the last week. Week 3 goes back to week 1 stuff. Which means I can reintroduce lean protein. I'm not a HUGE protein eater, I mean we eat vegetarian in our normal diets probably 2-3x's a week. However, when that is my only option it is difficult.

Meds front: I called my nurse on Monday and had her order my meds from two pharmacies. I am using Freedom for the gonal-f and Walgreens (IVPCare) for the rest. Freedom called on Tuesday and I paid the staggering amount of $$$$ for my gonal-f (2- 300 units, 1- 450 unit, 5-900 units) and had it delivered Thursday. I didn't hear from Walgreens by the end of their work day on Tuesday, which meant that all of my meds wouldn't be delivered on the day DH had taken off from work to stay home to sign for the meds. I called them on Wednesday and they didn't have my prescription on file. I called the nurse. She argued with me that they had sent it on Monday. I told her that I am glad that they did, but could they re-send it as Walgreens didn't have it. She did. Today Walgreens called to set up my order. I am having it sent next Thursday. My sister will be at our place and can sign for the meds. About 2 hours later Walgreens calls back. They can't order the traxene as they don't carry it. She offers to call it into a local pharmacy for me. I give her my pharmacy's name. She doesn't have it on file. I then have to call DH to get the number and then call them back. A 1/2 hour later Walgreens calls- my local pharmacy doesn't stock tranxene as it has been out so long and is only available in generic form. My prescription states to "dispense as written" which means they can't substitute a generic without my Dr's approval. She tells me she will call the Dr. I also call my RE and leave a message about CD1 and the pharmacy issue. It finally gets resolve and the rest of my meds should be delivered next week.

Next step on this IVF is for me to go in Saturday for an ultra sound and blood work. They will also repeat my IVF panel at that time. I think our deposit needs to be in place at that time too. I am hoping to get a chance to call the receptionist at the RE tomorrow to find out our balance on file and then figure out the difference.

We Have a Plan

2010-03-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

I heard back from a nurse (Tina- not my fav, but ok) regarding our need to do/not do the HSG and SHG. The final verdict is that if we wait until my April cycle to do our IVF (our ideal plan) we would need to repeat both tests. If we move forward with the next cycle (March-not so ideal, but ok) then we do not need to repeat the tests. DH and I discussed it and we are moving forward with March.

*Gulp* Moving forward in March.

It is March. AHHHH!!

Excited and terrified all at the same time. It's the feeling you get at the top of a hill on a roller coaster... right before your stomach is up in your throat. With this being the plan we have put several things in motion. The first is my liver cleanse (TCM through my acupuncturist) is starting today. This is a 3 week cleanse intended to give my liver a break and help it remove any lingering hormones that I took for our last IVF or have hanging around from my pregnancy. The second is that I'm cracking down on exercise. Once I'm stimming I'm planning on only doing walking/yoga. So right now I'm using this time to really push myself to lose the last bit of the 20 lbs goal I set. As of today I'm down 11.2 of the 20 lbs. Thirdly, I've called all the pharmacies again to get updated prices. So far, we will be going with the same 2 pharmacies from the last cycle as they have the best OOP pricing and are in the US so that we can hopefully write off that money next tax time. Speaking of taxes, we are also filing those this week and hope to get a nice fat refund to apply towards this cycle.

On the work front, I plan to alert the family about my time off in a week or so. Hopefully, by waiting to tell them about this then the mom will be a bit more stable. I'm planning on working while I go to all of my pre-ER appointments as I did before. This time around I'm going to take off work from ER through Beta. With a +++ beta I am going to take the additional 2 weeks off until the first u/s. This is more to give me piece of mind than anything. I know myself. I would be a wreck at work going back before we saw a heartbeat. Truly, I don't know that I will ever relax until I deliver, but I think I could go back to work once I've passed the 6w mark (miscarriage last time around) and have seen the little one(s) on an u/s. If we have a -- Beta then I would go back to work as soon as possible.

For my church job I'm planning on taking off the same amount of time 2-4 weeks. With that being the case I'm thinking I may ask to be released from this position. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do yet, but for now that's what I'm thinking.

I'm cautiously optimistic. I feel healthy again and more myself physically. Emotionally I still have bad moments, but overall I am feeling good. I think a spring transfer is a good thing. I'm hopeful that the new protocol will work as well as Dr Opie thinks it will. Who knows, maybe this is what we've been needing to do all along.

So, with this plan our protocol begins with next AF eta March 20th. Wow. Here we go again...

Redesign for Dummies

2010-03-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

I am not very computer savvy. (My DH actually calls me "Powder" ... you know.... from the movie "Powder" 'cause when I get near any electronic thing it goes haywire) I can get around most programs, but I am still new to blogging and as such have no clue on how to change/update my blog. However, I'm looking for a change of attitude and I thought a change of blog design would help. I've pieced together a new look. Let me know what you think. I can't promise I'll be able to figure out any problems you uncover, but let me know about them anyway.

What now?

2010-03-01T19:14:00.001-08:00

I called the RE office today to figure out what was up with adding tests for me to do before the next IVF. I did not receive a call back. I got home and in my email inbox was a calender based on my next cycle. The spreadsheet doesn't look right to me as it appears to have me on stims for a month. Then the nurse told me I have to repeat my IVF blood panel and she's not sure if I need to redo the HSG as she didn't talk to Dr O yet. I'm so frustrated that they can't give me a straight answer. It seems like every time I talk to them they find a new test they want me to redo. I wish that someone there could look at my file and make a list of all that I need done so I don't have to keep going in for a test here and a test there. Plus, she didn't give me the list of medications for the cycle so that I can start pricing them. I am so frustrated with them!!!! Clomid Agro engaged.

On the work front. The mom was scheduled to return to work today. However over the entire weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) she had less than 10 hours sleep. She is starting to show impaired judgement and her husband is concerned we are heading down the psychotic path again. Her Dr is gone today and tomorrow so they called the on call Dr but as of 5 (when I left) they hadn't heard back from him yet. I hope this is just a small setback and not the beginning of another long hospitalization.

Clomid Agro

2010-02-26T19:42:00.000-08:00

First off, I should state that overall today has been a great day. I had a good time with the girls today and I had a nice chat with my sister. I also went out to dinner with my wonderful DH to a yummy place. I'm now home relaxing in my p.j.'s. However....

We had our IVF financial consultation today. With M, who we've had 1 other counsultation with and I didn't like her then either. My issue with her in the past was that she claimed they couldn't send ANY of my stuff to insurance and then have me pay for it if the insurance didn't pick it up because I have used all of my lifetime infertility coverage. My issue with that is that my insurance had been picking up odd bills here and there and I wanted to see if they would continue paying for some and then I'd pay for the rest. She was adamant. Moving forward (last consult in Aug I think) they would not submit anything on my insurance. Fast forward---> EVERYTHING has been submitted through our insurance. Of our deposit we were required to place for our IVF we still have over 1/2 of it still on our account thanks to the insurance picking up a lot of it.

Back to today: She reiterates that my insurance coverage is gone and they will not be submitting anything to them on my account only on DH's. She then starts going over the itemized list. On the list are 2 tests (HSG and SHG) that our Dr did not mention we would need to do. It was my understanding that we only had to do them once a year. She made it sound like in between each IVF they had to be done and that was why it was included in the price she wants us to pay. Ummm, NO. However, I decided not to argue with her I'll just call my nurse on Monday and deal with them that way. She also seemed surprised that we had a balance left on our account from the deposit. She really was pushing the ARC 1 treatment plan which would finance a fresh IVF cycle and a FET at a discounted rate from what they would charge us OOP. That would be fine if we didn't already have the $$$ sitting in our RE account there from last IVF and if we weren't able to bill all of the embryology fees to DH's insurance and if we actually had embryos to freeze which we most likely won't have. The way she wants us to do it would COST us more. She's an idiot. I was getting more and more aggravated as the conversation continued. It was like a switch had been thrown (thank you clomid) and I wanted to make her stop speaking any way that I could. However, I recognized my clomid agro and simply nodded and at the appropriate time signed the paperwork. The other thing that pissed me off was she seemed oblivious to what we'd done in the past treatment wise and what we'd paid for. I mean I know she's not a nurse or Dr but couldn't she see on our account based on all of the billing what we'd done?

Frustrated. But, that is one more meeting checked off of my list of things to do to prepare for our upcoming IVF.

Random Rant

2010-02-20T13:49:00.000-08:00

I'm home sick today. It's a beautiful day here, but I feel awful. I've caught the cold the kids have had this week and I'm in a lot of pain from AF. DH is off at a photography conference all day today and all day tomorrow. I've slept most of the day, however I was channel surfing a bit ago. Two shows I should never stop on, and yet feel compelled to stop and watch part of due to the "train wreck" aspect of them: I didn't know I was pregnant AND 16 and Pregnant. Now I know both of these shows will get me riled up and yet I stop and watch them every time. I watch, get upset, get sad and change the channel. I need to do something more productive with my free time today.... hmmm. I think I'll watch a movie. Random rant over.

Here we go...

2010-02-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

I have my clomid challenge test (CCT) this cycle. I had to wait for AF of course, and it was 5 days late. I'm sure my body is still trying to recover from everything which is why it was late. My CD3 bw and u/s are tomorrow EARLY in the morning. I will then be on clomid from cd5-cd9 and go back on cd10 for bw. I'm still upset that I have to re-do this test before they will move forward with anything. But, hopefully it will show more accurately where we are at and how/when to move forward.

Work is going ok. My employer is home from the hospital. She had her sister in town this week to help her get back into life, but I'm sure it will be a bit before she is back to herself.

Church was ok on Sunday. I'm planning on going again this Sunday. It was good to be with the kids again. The sermon was difficult as it was all about families and child/parent relationships with emphasis on being the parent vs. the child.

I think I have found a new project to work on during the next IVF for our baby. It will be along the same lines as the faith quilt I made. This will be a faith knitting project. I'm trying to jump that chasm of doubt and make it over to faith again. I'm not there just yet, but I'm hoping as the time for our IVF approaches I'll be ready to move forward with faith.

Weight loss. I'm trying to lose 20 lbs before the next IVF. I'm on week 3 of this. The first week I lost 6 lbs. Last week I lost 3 lbs. This week I've gained 2 lbs. I'm trying not to be discouraged. I wasn't able to work out as much this week and did eat out twice. So, I've lost a total of 7 lbs of the 2o. I still feel like I will be able to lose the rest before IVF.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not a super romantic... usually much more practical (I think to my DH's disappointment) but today I am so happy that I have my DH to love. He is wonderful and we've been through so much together. I know that I can always lean on him and he will be there. I am so blessed to have married him. He makes me laugh almost every day. He's supportive of me in all that I do. He's an all around great guy.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Irritable

2010-02-08T17:33:00.001-08:00

The switch to gluten free has made me irritable. This happened last time as well. I crave (read NEED) refined carbs during the first few weeks of the switch each time. If it wasn't so difficult to maintain I would stay gluten free to avoid this. But on the plus side I've lost 6 of the 20 lbs I'm looking to lose before our next IVF attempt.

Due to the irritability I had to really watch myself at work today. Granted, Mondays are hard ANYWAY as the girls readjust to my parenting style and the routine of the weekday vs the non-routine of the weekend. I kept finding myself stopping and counting to 10. That seems to help when I'm about to say something I don't mean to say.

I came home from a LONG day of work and the dogs had found my newest knitting catalog and ripped it to shreds. I had to pick all of it up (did I mention my lower back is hurting and bending over intensifies the pain?) and then vacuum the scraps. Grrr...

The dealership got back to me and doesn't have a loaner for me to use while the fix my car until the 23rd. Argh. I hope my car doesn't die before then. It shouldn't, but who knows why the check engine light is on. I wish I didn't need my car for work with the girls 'cause they had earlier appointments if a loaner wasn't needed.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

A Plan of Sorts...

2010-02-04T17:46:00.000-08:00

I saw my amazing acupuncturist yesterday and had a check-up/check-in with her. I told her about our consult and that Dr Opie would like us to move forward next cycle and that we told him we weren't ready. I also let her know that he doesn't want us waiting until summer for fear of lower AFC's. She felt my pulses and agrees with me that I need to let my body heal and replenish before starting the whole IVF craziness again. The plan is for me to eat healthy and exercise heavily to try to lose weight in the next couple of months. Healthy eating = Gluten Free as much as possible, cow dairy free, adding goat dairy and lots of veggies and eating most of my food cooked and not raw. In March I go back to see her and she'll prescribe a liver detox for me. I'll continue the healthy eating and exercise and then check in again in April. In April I'll hopefully start the suppression cycle with the hope that we'll do stims in May with a May retrieval and transfer. I'll increase acu sessions accordingly as we get closer to suppression/stims. After talking with her I feel a bit hopeful.

On another note... my 1st of 2 remembrance necklaces arrived this week. This is the "dressier" one that I won't necessarily wear every day. I wore it to work and the little one was constantly trying to touch/play with it. I'm really happy with it and to have a reminder of Rowan.

The picture is a bit blurry, but it's a emerald cut peridot gemstone. Peridot is the August birthstone.